Fashion Design Dreams

It's kind of wild, but I keep having these ideas of designs dance through my head. I've kind of stopped trying to sketch them all out, although I really should document them.

For a while I steered away from the option of a career in something like fashion design (or advertising or sales or...) because I thought that it was a bit superficial and knew I wanted a career in which I directly helped people every day. This still resonates as true at some level, but I see also how I could be really cut out for a career in fashion design or another related field:

~I love merging creativity with function (I love using my creativity, period!)
~I like being my own boss
~I don't like bringing work home with me but am happy to work overtime at the studio (I don't know if you do or don't bring work home with fashion design)
~I have all these designs floating through my mind and can even create ones with prompts (like using a specific fabric or for a particular purpose)
~I love my job at a fashion retail store
~When I walk through the mall, I will think of ways I could make clothes and purses and shoes and etc. better. Then I wonder why I don't
~I feel like if my heart was really in it, I could achieve whatever I wanted
~Fashion design is more "friendly" to me. It is easy and natural for me to sketch out design ideas and I actually do it, but the thought of picking up a paint brush makes me freeze in fear
~The idea of moving to a fashion mecca like NYC, Paris, or Milan is really exciting and doable for me
~And I've gotten some really great affirmations from people. Several good friends say they could see it really fitting. My roommate hung out with some fashion design students and said that she thought I was a lot like them

People have always said I have my own particular style, and a lot of people complement me about my wardrobe choices. I'm not saying these things to brag, but simply to try to piece together reasons why it would be a great fit for a career.

My 4-year plan looks like this:

Year 1: Take classes in sewing and maybe an Intro to Fashion Design course. Begin work on kick-ass portfolio. Graduate from college.
Year 2: Find a job (perhaps fashion or retail related) and work for a year until Shawn graduates. Maybe take more sewing and design classes. Finish and tweak kick-ass portfolio.
Year 3: Get into a prominent fashion design school like Parsons or FIT and move to NYC.
Year 4: Using my fabulous contacts made at fashion school, land a ridiculously amazing and enjoyable job.

La Moda

Today I really want to become a fashion designer. I'm excited to sign up for sewing classes to better show me if I'm truly into it. I've done sewing before in a fashion design class in high school and loved it. The only thing that frustrated me is that I didn't have the skills to use boundless creativity in my projects. I think I'll maybe get my feet wet with a sewing class this semester and see what happens. I would need to buid up a portfolio and all that jazz if I'm going to apply for schools. Fashion design would be a great way to express my artistic soul and creativity. For some reason, fashion design is far less imposing to me than painting. Already I've designed about 8 different dresses and a purse on paper. Once I get the skills I'd love to make and revamp some fabulous clothes! They have this awesome book at Barnes & Noble about how to spice up thrift store finds. That would be so much fun! Maybe I'll try my hand at it this summer.

I know I jump around from career to career a lot, but I believe this would be a perfect blend of art and practicality. I believe I would have what it takes to go as far as I wanted to into the field, and I love the idea of traveling and working with all kinds of fascinating people. It's fun to dream big and even more fun to achieve your goals!

What do you think about fashion design for me as a career?

No kittens allowed in the house. I definitely cried. Bummer.

Things are going fine. Even though I'm working 2 jobs, they aren't giving me many hours and I've been a bit bored lately. But that will be good once school begins because then I won't feel too overwhelmed. I've been finding that I really like the working life and being busy. I think keeping busy for the most part keeps me happy. But it's also nice to just sprawl out and relax and read and stuff.

I made a new friend recently. He's a bit of a perv, but yet a very outgoing, self-involved, fun perv. I don't know what to think about having introduced him to my closest friends. I guess they have to make their own decisions, though, and so far they're doing a good job with this one. We had tons of fun at his house the other night (don't worry, Shawn came, too).

At my wine job I met this guy that looked familiar. As it turns out, he is also the brother of this guy I went to high school with and an old, old family friend of Shawn and his family! Since the guy, B, works where we work, Shawn talked with him for a long time the other day and didn't even realize that B was B and vice versa. B is a super fun, cool guy, so hopefully he'll be able to hang out with us soon. As a side note, I'm trying especially hard lately to be friendly and make new friends since a lot of my close ones have graduated and are moving.

I've been housesitting lately. It's fun to live other people's lives for just a bit. I love imagining what my life will look like in a few years. Strangely enough, I could see it looking fairly similar to these people's lives. Even Shawn mentioned that, that he could see us being like them. I'm not quite sure what he meant by that.

Still can't decide on 1 cat vs. 2. Since the precious little boy one fell through, I had thought maybe just one, but there's part of me that doesn't want my sweet little girl to live alone all the time when I'm not there. But I also worry about my life not being the most stable right now, and would I be able to move 2 cats overseas?, and do most places rent to people with 2 cats, & etc...

I'm also reading some very interesting books, but you'd probably think I'm a nut job if I told you what they are, haha. Let's just say they deal with a lot of New Agey concepts. Which brings me to ask, what do you think when you think of 'New Age?' I'd been conditioned all my life to think 'weird' and think of energy 'stuff', but it seems like there are so many things that fall under the New Age umbrella. I'm not sure what people mean when they say 'New Age.' Now, having read a bit more about it, I think of paranormal phenomenon, altered states of consciousness, psychic phenomena, reincarnation, astral projection and out-of-body experiences, energy work, crystals, and the list goes on. I guess I should just look it up on wikipedia, but it's interesting to read what people think who know varying amounts of information about New Age, or anything, really.

Final Kitty Update:

Unfortunately the other lady wants the two brown kittens (including the one I wanted). I am really disappointed, but I'm sure there's another kitty out there who will need a good home and will be just as sweet. There's a black and white one in the litter that is unclaimed, so I'm waiting on pics of him. In the past I've just really loved the brown tabby markings on the Maine Coons, but maybe I'll love this b & w kitty just as much or more, we'll see. Yesterday was just an emotional day--probably not the best day to get news like that, but oh well. I guess you just have to stay positive.

Emo Post of the Month:  Beware

I feel raw.  I'm experiencing confusing emotions so strongly and I don't know what to make of it.  It's not PMS, either.  I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel like I'm living in a constant state of nervous, nagging energy that won't go away.  I feel lost, with no plan that appeals for the future concerning so many areas.  I'm naturally a decision-maker and like to have goals I can work toward, but everything I think of lacks appeal.  Decision deadlines are rapidly approaching and I have no direction.  I feel like a beautiful bird with her wing feathers plucked.  I feel that it's so hard to be the person I want to be.  I think you could do much better than me.  Yet I also feel like I shouldn't have to bend my will to suit you.  I'm beautiful and wonderful and fabulous the way I am and you should appreciate it; love me for who I am.    

I wish I could make all this better, but I don't know how.  It's such a bad way to feel--knowing something needs fixing but you don't know what or how.  I feel like I'm in a meaningless, cruel, teasing maze with no way out.

Update on (hopefully) baby #2:

Heard from the foster lady.  Apparently another lady called before me, but there is a litter of 3 Maine Coon mixes:  2 brown tabbies and a black and white.  The lady wants to adopt the 2 brown tabbies.  But I'm hoping that the foster lady can convince the adopting lady to adopt the other brown tabby (a female) and the black and white.  Oh, I don't know why, but I'm just in love with this kitty.  This is very unlike me to fall in love with only a picture, but I just have a very good feeling about baby #2.  I feel a bit spoiled and juvenile insisting on this kitty, but you want what you want. Please wish me luck and send kind thoughts our way!  I think it would be so cute to have a little boy and girl, too.  God, please let "us" work out!

Keep your fingers crossed that this little guy can be baby #2:

I've tried contacting the people who have him to no avail.  I don't even know if someone else has already claimed him.  Today at Petsmart I almost made a tag for him when I made one for Ellie, just to make me believe a little more that it could happen.  I'm completely and wholly in love with both!

What do you think, one cat or two?  Feel free to leave lengthy advice.

I love spending cloudy mornings reading in bed.  : )

ONE MORE DAY UNTIL HEAVEN.

Heaven, aka, THE CHILDLESS ZONE.  

Today was one of those days where it was all I could do to keep from screaming at someone.  For this reason, I seriously wonder whether children of my own are ever in the future.

Today is a day to dream of happy thoughts, like my whitewashed house on a cliff overlooking the sea.  It would be full of beautiful, strange, and exotic things.  I want everything in my house to have some kind of significance.  I don't want to fill it up with useless clutter (it's already starting to get that way). It might have a cat or two running around.  A lovely garden would be planted around it.  All I need to figure out is where I could get this out without paying a million for it.

Dooce posted a great video of the band MGMT's song "Time to Pretend."  While the song glorifies the fast life, it resonates with me.  The singers ask you to not judge them for the fact that they've decided to live fast and die young.  While I definitely don't want to die young, I agree that there is more to life than living in an office cubicle, and each person has to find meaning in their life.  I want to be different than everyone else.  I feel like I already am, but as I'm at a stage where I am creating significant parts of my life, I don't want to choose a path of drudgery.  I don't want to be a bum or hippie or floater, but so many paths of life that I witness being traveled by the people around me don't seem like something I would want for my own.  I guess I just don't know where to go from here with that knowledge.  

This is my precious baby angel.  You just can't see the wings in this photo.  I've named her Ellie and she is 3 weeks old.  She is (we think) a lilac point Siamese and is the most amazing cat I have ever met in my entire life.  I am in love.  She gets to come home to me in 3 weeks.

Here are Ellie and her brothers.  I think she's the one my hand is touching.  She's so tiny!  I can't wait to see her again.

I've never felt so happy about a cat, but I just knew she is who I want to live with me.  I'm a complete sucker for her already, and she just opened her eyes!  

I hope she bonds with me and loves me as much as I love her.  I hope I can give her everything she ever needs.  She is the most wonderful, fabulous, fantastic, perfect cat ever.  

: )

Warm Fuzzies

I had the time of my life last night. I danced the night away. And not only did I dance the night away, but I got my friend E who was in town to dance with me, and he ended up having a blast! One of my favorite things in life is encouraging people to enjoy themselves to the fullest even if it means pushing the edge of comfortable. Many people don't feel comfortable dancing in public, but when you just let loose and allow yourself to have fun and not worry about anyone else around you, you end up having the most amazing time. It's funny, because six months ago I would have been the wallflower, but lately I've felt myself opening up and it's fabulous.

Yesterday afternoon I thought I would go see the little Siamese kitty I'm thinking about getting, but it fell through. I really hope tomorrow will work out. I feel like having a pet in my life would be really healthy for me right now--something to make me slow down a bit and appreciate the little things. There is just something about animals that makes a part of my heart open up that nobody else can warm. I really hope that when I meet this kitty for the first time she just feels like a good choice and a good fit into my life. Sometimes animals are the best to hold. If things go well, I'll probably post pictures! She would be ready to come home in about 3 weeks. I really hope it works out. I guess it can if I really want it to, but knowing exactly what you want is sometimes the hard part. Maybe I make life too confusing. Maybe life is simpler than we all make it out to be a lot of the time. But I'd really love a sweet little kitty to sit in my lap (and maybe even chase around) every day. : )

I'm feeling better.  Thanks for all the supportive comments.  Life really is so crazy right now, though.  It's kind of sad when you look forward for weekdays so things will calm down a touch, when normal weekday life is calmer than weekends.  But I think this may soon change.  Not to be cryptic, but you know how it goes about posting tons of info. about one's job online...

In other news, I'm still wanting something small and warm and fuzzy, and I hear that Siamese cats maybe aren't quite as bad for allergies.  Also, oddly enough, female cats don't produce quite as many allergens as male cats!  How strange!  So I'm looking for my baby girl.  I've already found a lady who has 1 week old Siamese kittens.  The mom is a lilac point and the dad is a seal point.  I would love it if the little girl is a lilac point--they're so ethereal and lovely. 

Lilac Point Siamese

Seal Point Siamese

*Note:  The video and pictures are not the actual cats I'm looking at.

Other Greatly Anticipated Activities to Do Once I Regain My Life:

10. Get a fantastic, furry, lovely pet of some kind.

11. Make all the post secrets I've been collecting for weeks and send them.

12. Spread out a blanket on the ground at a park with a dear friend, lay looking up at the clouds moving for hours, and talk about life and all its secrets.

13. Sing.

It is hard working so much.  I want a day to seriously just lay on my bed, lights off and windows drawn, to just think and be still and not worry about anything.  Before that I would wake up in the early morning, walk through my neighborhood in the dawn looking at all the lovely little houses.  I'm weird.

I just feel so stressed.  And I know this will only last a few weeks, and I could just say the word and end it, but I don't know what I want.  This is a significant problem in my life at the moment--no knowing what I want.

There was an interesting article that has you answer a bunch of questions to assess what is important to you, potentially for careers.  Here's my self-portrait in 4 questions:

*What do you believe in most?  Actions speaking louder than words.  Caring.  Helping.  Compassion.  Big-heartedness.  There is still good in the world.  Love.

*What do you most value?  People, especially those who show me they care.  Genuineness.  Love.  Compassion.  Free time.  Art--having my surroundings be aesthetically pleasing.

*I can do the following well:  Show others I care.  Speak Spanish and sign language.  Be responsible.

*For a good life, I feel I need:  The love of my life.  (Yes, I said it.  Please don't think less of me that I do need someone.  I think we all need people.  Maybe need is a strong word, but I think I'd be much, much happier with my love by my side.)  Free time to do my hobbies.  A good job (one that's decently good to come to work to every day and that won't leave me worrying about what the heck I'll do if my car breaks down.  A cute little place to live that I've decorated myself and which houses several wonderful animals.  A nice location to live in.  Giving of myself to others.  Art.  

Tonight I don't feel like a very cool person.  I just feel stressed and a little upset with myself that when I'm busy like this I feel the need to put my life on hold in certain ways.  I know it will get better, but tonight is just a little rough.  I'm heading to bed.

Much-Anticipated Activities and Goals for When I Have A Life Again (In 2 Weeks?!!):

1. Lay out at the pool as much as possible.

2. Work on becoming closer friends with people.  (Be a better friend.  Sometimes people really aren't lying when they say they're busy--sometimes they're so busy that they have little to offer and they're doing all they can just to get by.)

3. Clean my room (!!!!).  (If you tried to enter my closet at this point, we'd probably never see you again...)

4. Research career options and develop a plan (maybe).

5. Read up on Buddhism and attend meditation sessions again.  Take a meditation retreat?

6. Exercise regularly, perhaps in the cool of the morning.

7. Disappear off to the beach for a much-needed vacation.  Anyone want to come with?

8. Dream of my dream house and life and start making it more of a reality by sketching and documenting it.  You know how your stomach aches in a good way because thinking about something makes you so happy?  I want to think of those things more.

9. Break out the sewing machine, design, and make some awesome clothes!

Working with kids is teaching me so much about life, myself, and people.  

They've taught me to be assertive when I need to be.  Sometimes you really need to be the boss in certain situations.  You have to be to survive.

They've taught me not to care too much about what people think.  Try as I might to prevent this, there will be days when the kids are furious with me, upset, cranky, etc.  I've gotten to the point where I don't really care.  Of course I want them to be happy, but I don't take it personally when they take out their anger/crankiness on me.  I know it's bound to happen.  This makes me think I should go easier on adults, too, and not take things adults do so personally.

Kids have taught me that even a bad day has lots of good in it, and vice versa.  There are always highlights to even the worst day.  You have to focus on the highlights to stave off disenchantment at the least and at the worst, depression.  This is so true of life, yet perhaps the highlights aren't always as clear as they are in a classroom.

I've learned that I probably don't want to work with kids again.  I think I might prefer the older crowd more.  While I would consider my work right now a generally positive experience, I'm seriously wondering whether I want to sign up to do it again.  I think that if you have to ask yourself the question of whether or not you should be working with kids, if you have to think about it for any length of time, the answer is probably no.  I have to think about it a lot.  Where does that lead me?  Maybe to grad school for Spanish or Fashion Design school or something else to do with Deaf Education or some office job I don't know I'm in love with yet.  I guess I'm still trying to figure out whether or not I love teaching or if something else is better for me.

Sometimes it is a complete surprise where life leads us.

I will officially be working 3 jobs in the following week.  

I am beyond stressed.  I am beyond busy.  I have a feeble-at-best social life, yet I'm happy most of the time these days.  There is something magic about being busy.  I will admit, however, that I absolutely cannot wait for the 4th of July weekend.  TWO UNADULTERATED DAYS OF RELAXATION.(!!!!)

I dream sometimes of being a beautiful bride, but know that day will not come for a long, long time.  And I groan that we as women build up this one day our whole lives, build up that tower so high that nobody and nothing could ever reach our expectations locked up at the very top.

Lately, the idea of buying a house has persisted in remaining inside my brain.  It is not the right time to buy a house.  I do not have enough of an income to buy a house.  Yet the nesting urge is striking fast and furious, and I have an overwhelming desire to decorate and call a place my very own.  Sigh.  But I guess there's nothing wrong, either, with having things to look forward to achieving.  As satisfying as immediate gratification is.

Today I would like to eventually get my Ph.D. in Spanish, with some kind of Latin American studies emphasis.  And maybe an Anthropological twist.  And other days I want to break into the Fashion Design industry.  And even other days I think maybe Deaf Ed. isn't so bad.  Spanish is standing out the most right now, though.  

Did I ever mention how much teachers have to work their asses off?!!!!  I think every kid when they start to reach that ornery, give-teachers-crap phase, should have to plan a full day of class and teach it.  We would revolutionize America in this manner.

I love how I'm learning to enjoy life even when it's confusing and I don't have all the answers.

P.S.  It is a sad existence at my age to have children's toys scattered throughout the back of my car and to go to bed religiously at 9pm.  But I'm happy, mostly.

A lot has been going on lately.  I keep trying to post stuff, but then get shy and keep it only as a draft.  

Work is tough.  It is a lot more work than I thought.  If anything, I feel like I have strided light years in terms of assertiveness (which had been lacking lately).  Email/msg/call me if you want to know more as there is a lot to tell that I really shouldn't post online.  

I am exhausted daily, but yet it kind of feels good to be busy.  I think I'm generally happier when I'm busy.  Aside from working, I've managed to fit in a float trip, a lake trip, and a job interview (for when this job finishes next month).  

Haven't seen many posts from you all, either.  Please catch me up on your lives!   

I want this puppy soooooo bad....

Since I found out I'm allergic to cats, I've pretty much nixed that idea and have had puppies on the brain.  It's strange, even before I knew I was allergic to cats, I kept having these recurring longings to get a puppy.  Maybe it's a sign that I'm a dog lover at heart.  Or just a novice at cats--I've never owned one, and it is a bit daunting to think of getting one, not knowing what to expect.

But this precious puppy is a tiny Chihuahua.  I think she's about 6 weeks old in this pic.  I'm seriously contemplating the idea of getting a puppy.  I like the Chihuahuas because they're so small you can take them a lot of places that normally wouldn't let you have a dog.  Like the mall.  Yes, I want to be that girl.  But I'm still trying to figure out if I will have enough time to devote to someone who fully depends on me.  I remember when my ex-roommate got a puppy last year and how stressful it was.  Not sure I'm ready to sign up for that.  Ideally, I think I would live in my own place if I got a pet, but that probably won't happen for at least a year.  But, then again, none of life will be the best case scenario, and sometimes you just have to do what will make you happy with what you have and see what happens.  Not that I'm advocating being irresponsible and getting a pet you can't care for, but I have truly researched the dog I think would be best for my current circumstances.

Wow, I have so much more to post on that is completely canine unrelated, but it shall have to wait.

The Cat Saga Comes to an Abrupt End (I Think)

Today I went and saw someone's kittens--they were actually the babies of a stray that lives near her house. After I played with them, I noticed my face got really itchy.  But yesterday at the pound where there are thousands of them I noticed that my eyes got itchy. It seems like this happens especially with longhaired cats. When I held the beautiful black cat yesterday I noticed that she shedded a lot and some of her hair got on my face and clothes. My eyes were itchy for most of the rest of the day. : / So I don't know if I'm truly allergic to cats, or allergic to tons of cats, if the allergy would get worse if I owned a cat or if being around a cat more often would get me more "used to" it.  Even though I hate this, I'm thinking maybe a puppy is better for me than kitties. Bummer! On a positive note, maybe I can find a tiny little dog and pretend it's a cat and train it to go inside on a wee-wee pad so it's lower maintenance. Gosh, I'm still not completely convinced that I don't want a cat, but since I'm feeling hesitant combined with probable allergies--maybe I should wait.  I don't want my mild reaction to morph me into a puffed out marshmallow face someday.  : /

Chat Noir

I was so bad Wednesday.  I went to the pound on a whim to look at cats.  I wasn't hoping to take one home, but went "just to look."  But lately I've been surprisingly hard-hearted when it comes to animals, so I was quite surprised that I fell in love with a longhaired black, vivid yellow-orange eyed vixen of a six month old female kitty.  I stuck my fingers up to her cage and she quickly stuck her paws through the bars to just hold them.  But when I took her out of the cage, she didn't use her paws at all, but just happily purred and sat calmly on my lap.  This is basically what I want--a big, hairy, black marshmallow.  : )  

I may go get her tomorrow!

By the way, the photo does not nearly do her justice.  I can't yet think of a good name for her.  As a first-time cat owner, I would love all the advice I could get on owning a cat!  If I get her, I may have to frantically digest Cats for Dummies.  Please, any advice or name suggestions would be great.

What do you believe about this quote:

"Who you marry should be the easiest decision you ever make." -Sweet Home Alabama

You know how, after you've been gone for a few days, you can smell what your house actually smells like?

My room smells like happiness.

I have a guilty confession:

I ate chicken today.

I don't think I ever will do that again.

It doesn't feel like me.

(I'm vegetarian.)

On being a butterfly

I just told a friend how it's funny, well, actually kind of sad, but toward the end of summers I always start really feeling like myself again, but then school starts. I covet the day there's no more school! But I also realize it's a little scary to be out of school and move on and change things so much. I think that's why a lot of people don't make a big change after graduating, but I also think a lot of those people end up regretting it. I believe firmly that everyone needs to spread their wings at some point in their life; usually when they're young.  Your wings often grow less flexible the older you get.

School.  Sigh.  Sometimes I enjoy going to classes, if they're something I'm fascinated by.  I love meeting all kinds of different people, and have made most of the best friends of my life in college.  But the stress just eats at me.  I can't be my happiest like this.  Going to school puts me in survival mode, not thriving.  Some people may argue that you simply have to have the right mentality, and you'll thrive anywhere.  Well, maybe this is true, but I feel healthy again when summer has had its effect on me for a few months.  I hope I feel like that when I get a job someday, but I'm a little scared I won't.  It's just so much easier to be happy when there's no school.

I'm so glad it's summer.  I can't wait to feel like me again.  I've only got one more year of this bloody hell.

Dane Cook--Crying

This had me crying from laughing so hard!

This makes me happy; even happier than finishing finals today (woohoo!!!!).  In my book, gay rights are civil rights.  Period.  

*Edit*

Here are some fascinating videoclips from 60 Minutes on homosexuals and studies researching what causes someone to be gay or lesbian.

I never knew that the more brothers a guy has, the more likely he is to be gay unless he's a lefty--then he only has a 2% chance of being gay, just like firstborn sons.  Don't believe me?  Watch the clip.  My only critique is they didn't give the statistics other than the firstborn son is only 2% likely to be gay.

Clip on why gay and lesbian couples want to be married.

I left my heart on Picadilly Line

Gosh, I feel like I post more than the average bear on places I'd like to live But you see, I research ideal living situations recreationally.  Bored?  Let's find a new place to live!  Let's email friends who live there or nearby and ask them their likes and gripes!

England has captured my heart.  I've gone to such lengths that I've even researched weather and climate information, fun things to do in different places in England, where the people are said to be friendliest...  I haven't applied for jobs yet, but give me six months.  

One city I'm really interested in is Leeds.  One English friend, Fran, gave it glowing reviews.  Another lovely woman I ran across online also loved it.  I hear that it's really artsy (an absolute must), has lots of good shopping, is a music center, and the people are pretty friendly since it's northern (it's fabled that the further north you go in England, the warmer the personalities).

It is also fairly close to where a few of my English friends live.  It would be so nice to be able to just jump on a train for an hour to go see them!  

I've decided that finals make my soul excruciatingly and insidiously leak out of me, milliliter by milliliter, drop by drop...

That pretty much sums it up.

However, perhaps having this song on incessant repeat minimizes the damage.

Elton was quite the hunk back in the day, no?  

Compare that video from 1971 to a much more recent one:

It's interesting that even though I can tell the new one is much more technically accurate and Elton's voice has matured, I still much prefer the older video.  It has this raw, youthful energy that adds so much to the song.

Seeing Elton perform in Madison Square Gardens makes me totally want to move to NYC.  But that's a whole completely different post.

Tats

Here is one of the cooler tattoos I've seen for a guy.  My favorite tattoos on guys are the ones on their shoulder.  In this one if I were doing the tattoo, I wouldn't include the reddish part, I think.  I like the plain black.  (Is the red maybe from the tattoo being done recently?)  

Here's a pretty cool rose.  This is probably fairly large in real life, but if I got one like this, it would be really small.  When I went to Europe last summer I saw a woman with a tiny tattoo on her neck right below her earlobe.  It was the perfect blend of exquisite and edgy.  I think I'd get one similar to this if I ever got a tattoo there.  

I also really love a lot of tattoos that I've seen people have on their wrists.  I once heard of a girl who used to chronically cut herself on her wrists and arms.  One day, as she was about to cut herself, she realized, "I'm worth more than this."  So she had "Worth" tattooed on her wrist to remind her whenever she thought about cutting.  After that, she finally gained the strength to stop cutting herself!

I guess that when it comes down to tattoos on my own body, I'm a bit too wussy to get one, both for fear of the pain and of stretch marks eventually morphing them into goulish affairs (although this wouldn't be much of a problem on an arm or leg, I guess).  Maybe the biggest reason, however, for not getting a tattoo is I just haven't found one meaningful enough for me to wear the rest of my life.  If I found a tattoo, like the girl who found "Worth," that I loved both its meaning and aesthetic, I'd probably get it!  

Today at 5:30, Daniel passed on.  My friend thanks everyone for their loving support.

*UPDATE on Daniel*
The doctor informed my friend's family that Daniel only has few days left. This doesn't change anything--they are still very hopeful. She asks that everyone please keep praying.

Thanks, Rachel! Your Aura is Violet

Idealistic and thoughtful, you have the mind and ideas to change the world. And you have the charisma of a great leader, even if you don't always use it! The purpose of your life: saying truths that other people dare not say Famous purples include: Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony Careers for you to try: Political Activist, Inventor, Life Coach

What Color Is Your Aura?

Three (Rather Poor) Photos of My Work

This drawing was inspired by Damien Rice's song "Elephant" ("'cause you can't paint an elephant/quite as good as she can").  I am taking an intro to drawing summer school class this summer and am really looking forward to it.  This is one of my first drawings in several years.  

Okay, I have a confession.  I call myself an artist (I genuinely consider myself one) but I am just now getting back into it very s l o w l y.  I've done very little work.  Should I even be allowed to call myself an artist?  Maybe not.  But at least I'm trying.  That's why I enrolled in the drawing class--in hopes it will give me confidence in my work and help establish creating art as a daily habit.  Who knows what next?  Art school?  The following are my work from several years ago:

Hope you enjoyed it.  : )  I aspire to someday become an artist that motivates and inspires others, simply by seeing my work, to become artists themselves, in whatever medium.  I want to capture the wonder of life.  

And If I don't post a picture of a painting in a few weeks, please nag mercilessly!  I wish I had a group of artist friends to meet in coffee shops and share and discuss work together.  That comes very close to my version of heaven. 

Update on Daniel

He has a broken pelvis and his jaw is broken in two places.  He has a fever of 104 and isn't responding to any stimuli.  He had surgery to remove some clots from his brain and had some skull removed to release pressure on his brain.  There still is very little brain activity.

Please, whoever you are, send kind thoughts and prayers for my friend's brother, Daniel.  He was in a horrible car accident.  He has little brain activity and was given last rites.  

Life is so fragile.

Check out the heart-wrenching yet fascinating video interview with Mary Mackert, a woman who escaped a life of polygamy.

(Watch the first short clip and then if you wait, you can see the full 30-minute interview with her.)

Britt is listening to love songs and wishing someone would write one for her.

I want to be less inhibited.  And to realize that I don't need anything or anyone to be madly in love with life and to experience it to its fullest.

It takes not caring so much what other people think.

It takes loving yourself.

It takes having good self-esteem.

It requires one to embrace the good and wondrous and lovely and beautiful and colorful, and to let go quickly of the bad and ugly and difficult (although difficult often yields beauty and joy).  Why do we hold on so tightly to the things that make us sad and unhappy?

The truth is, I love the way I am when I am less inhibited by useless notions of right and wrong ("Is it okay to say that?  What if they don't see it as a joke?  What if they don't like me?").  I feel like I have just chipped away a bit of the surface of it, but have yet to rid myself of the whole.

The truth is, you can never escape yourself.  No matter where you move, what job you have, what friends like you, who your family is, what you accomplish in life...though it may sound cliche, happiness starts from the inside out.  If you're not happy here and now, will you really be happier with peripheral changes?  

I think a great part of happiness comes from deeply experiencing your life; in a way giving yourself permission to enjoy the good parts uninhibited and uncensored.  Of course I'm not encouraging drug use or promiscuity.  Just being free to enjoy the simple little things that make us all glad to be alive and human.  Skipping to class on your way to finals, letting your breath catch in your throat from sight of a sunrise, taking 20 minutes to sit on your front porch in the cool of dawn simply being and listening to birds singing...

"Happiness is not a destination, but a method of life." -Burton Hills

Today was good.

I went with my soon-to-be roommate, Jessica, to ArtWalk. ArtWalk is on the first Friday of every month. Art galleries and shops downtown open their doors after hours so that people from the community can come in and see their wares and participate in a cultural event. I especially like going in the galleries. I love to imagine my work hanging in galleries someday.

I think I'm going to start on a painting tomorrow, even though there are finals and all kinds of crazy things looming.

Jessica is fun. I think she'll be good to live with.

Okay, I'm exhausted and my throat hurts and I feel like I will die if I do not immediately pass out, so that's all for tonight.

Would it be weird to you for a tattoo artist to have no tattoos?  There's this odd, if not secuestered goth, part of me that secretly wants to be a tattoo artist.  If you were getting a tattoo, would you trust a little, innocent, American pie, unpainted blondie to tattoo you?

At least I bet they get paid better than teachers!

A few other jobs that appeal right now:

1. Art professor

2. Caricature artist

3. Children's book illustrators (and maybe even writer)

4. Writer

5. Marine or rainforest biologist

6. Life coach

7. Psychic (if you can actually develop these abilities)

What are your top 8 most fascinating jobs right now?

God, sometimes I wonder if I should just cut the shit and become a career counselor, haha.  : )

Today has been a rollercoaster.  I didn't actually cry nor have reason to cry, but I felt a lot of ups and downs today (maybe the general term for this is PMS?  Haha, j/k).

This morning Shawn woke me up with a phone call straight from the doctor's office to tell me he didn't have to have surgery.  This was a sigh of relief in so many ways.  But mostly relief because I know how much he hates crutching around.  And I also believe that if you don't have to cut open the body, then don't.  Maybe the body never fully heals from this.  But the day was off to a beautiful, if groggy, start.

Then I went to Audiology class, my hardest class.  No matter how much I study, I can't seem to succeed how I want to succeed in that class!  I always do poorer than I think I will, and the neurotic, frazzled Speech-Pathology majors in there heighten my stress level by at least 15%.  Just by sitting near them.  

But then it was so lovely outside I forgot all about tests and finals looming and thousands of projects due next week, and went to an art store to just snoop around for a bit.  They sell these stuffed dolls of famous painters.  For over a year I've secretly and desperately wanted the Vincent van Gogh one because HE HAS A VELCRO DETACHABLE EAR.  I hadn't been in the store since the last time I lusted over him, but the one Vincent they had left was missing the detachable ear!  : (  So that would not do, and he didn't come home with me.  But I still had fun just looking at the art supplies.  I think I could happily lay in the middle of an art store for hours, just looking at the paints and brushes and canvases and easels and imagining myself being a world-class painter painting her way across the globe...

Then Shawn and I went to another art store (more bliss!) and had lunch.  It had its ups and downs which I could write a thousand posts about, but it was mostly ups.

Then I worked on a project and the stress descended upon me like a black fog.  Then off to class, then I realize, almost in passing, that I usually relate better to guys than girls, but have very few guy friends (mostly because I worry that they just want to date me and not really be my friend); then back home and several messages and a sweet gift on facebook, then more project, then ELATION!!  Project finished!  There is something so satisfying and uplifting about finishing a monumental project.  Even nearly crashing into a car on my way to my parents couldn't quench it, although my heart just about spewed out of my throat.

Then a nice walk with parents and my sweet, lovable little dog.  I LOVE my little dog.  Because she pretends to hate me but will run and hide behind my legs when mom calls her.  (Mom smothers her.  And jogs her.  And gives her an inhumane number of treats every day.)  And dad and I talked for an hour about how to get rich fast.  We basically decided that when one of us figures out how to do it, we'll call the other.  Yet articles about millionaires before 30 never cease to fascinate me.  There is this book by one at Barnes & Noble I really want to buy called "The 4-Hour Workweek."  I want to buy the book, not the millionaire.  Although I won't tell you my thoughts about buying a millionaire, except I'd like to believe that people who marry for money earn it.  But that's probably not true.  Women probably just tell you that so they can hog all the millionaires to themselves.

Then home and java chip ice cream and popcorn and my roommate tells me she'll probably go study abroad next spring.  So I don't know if I'm going to live in my house another year.

But it'll all be okay.  Sometimes you just have to live life one day at a time.  

Fabulous news--Shawn doesn't have to have surgery!!!!

Do you ever feel like no job appeals?  Like instead of working you want to just go dance around in a sunny, flower-filled field?  This is a weird way for me to feel, because usually I can think of all kinds of careers I'd love to do.  (I think I obsess WAY to much about careers, by the way.)  But at the end of the day, I think it'll feel like just a job, and it will feel mundane, and I will have visions of driving right past work into the horizon, never looking back.  

With observing a classroom, I think I've found all the reasons why I shouldn't be a teacher (I'm not assertive enough, sometimes kids jar me, I don't have the best classroom management skills, I hate waking up early, I don't like to be responsible of groups of people's well-being, I hate all the work you have to do outside of school for planning...).  But it feels like most of the good reasons of why I went into it just haven't shown up in my practicum experience.  This isn't anybody's fault.  It's just how I feel.  Part of me wonders if I'm expecting too much or if this is a product of stress, as I tend to get this way at the end of the semester.  But I had this glowing excitement going into this semester that the bottom just fell out of the first few days of practicum, and the disillusionment has stuck ever since then.  Maybe this age group isn't the best for me.  I've always thought I'd be best teaching college kids, but I'm not going to school for the things I'd want to teach college kids.  I think I would either want to be a professor of art or anthropology.

I could go on and on about all this for hours.  Sigh.  Life's complexities are often absolutely mind-boggling.

Britt pretty much wants to stab school in the eye.

With a rusty cattleprod.

Yes, that is exactly how I feel about that.

Kelly, I can't imagine how you must be feeling!

On a positive note (although gouging out school's eye with a rusty cattleprod sounds pretty positive to me right now), I've signed up to take a summer school drawing class.  It will be a grueling 4 week, 4 days a week, 4 hours a day class.  I'll love every minute of it.  Except the minutes that I'll miss every day, leaving my job at 11:50 to try to get to the class by 12.  Did I mention that my job goes from 7:15 in the morning to 11:50?...  It will be a frantic but fun June.  I will feel strong and triumphant after conquering this June.

Kids

Wednesday I chased first graders around a farm.  I felt these neurotic tendencies arising:  "Where'd Johnny go?"  "WHERE'S JOHNNY!!!!!"  "James, you're walking TOO FAR AHEAD OF ME!!!!"  (In my ideal world, they all would've had on leashes.)  

For part of the visit, we went to a presentation by (the rather hot) Mr. Nate.  Not only did he give an enlightening program on the life cycle, but he brought in a live cow (consequently named Dottie)!  And a chicken he carried around the room allowing every kid to pet it!  I also remember thinking he was surprisingly good with kids, maybe better than I'll ever be (this is the source of my angst over my career).  He also made me realize that with kids, you really always need visuals.  Heck, with adults, so many lectures in college would be better with the proper use of visuals.  That man Mr. Nate had any possible visual someone could implement about chickens and cows, short of an artificial insemination machine.

At lunch, instead of sitting with the teacher like a proper adult, I sat on the ground and ate my Lunchable with a few of the girls in class.  I love watching their curiosity about an older girl.  They look at you a little differently than they look at older teachers, as if they're thinking, "Someday could I be you?"  They can't ever picture themselves being old; old to them is 20s.  Heck, old to them is 14, or even third grade.  I just hope that if I somehow manage to reach out and touch their lives, it will be positive.  The few times I've messed up and not positively influenced a child's life absolutely haunt me.    

Riding the school bus back to school, I realized I felt the same way I always did after field trips as a kid; smelling of sweat and dust and sunlight, exhausted but smiling.

In search of the elusive "chic spot"...

A new place in town has opened that I believe would fully qualify as a "chic spot."  (!!!!)  In the past I have resisted applying to several of my own favorite "chic spots" for fear that being there so often would take away a bit of their chicness.  You obviously don't want to go hang out with your friends at the place you work.  But this place seems to be exactly the kind of place I'm looking for:  sells drinks (you make better tips this way), but also sells food (keeps the place from attracting large numbers of ravaging drunk people), and has a fun, chic atmosphere and friendly, personable staff that I can easily become friends with.  I'm not sure if the last one about atmosphere is true, but judging from the place it's located, I could see this being my ideal kind of place to work.  Another perk of working there would be that it is only open part of the week, so it would leave me with plenty of time for classes.  Wish me luck, friends, as I go to scope it out today!  : D

I've been thinking about the course of my life for the next 3 years a lot lately.  It's funny--over the last 4 months my plans have changed from wanting to be done with grad school and teaching deaf kids to wanting to get my doctoral degree in anthropology to wanting to be a zoologist to, today, if I had to choose what would happen in the next 3 years, it would go something like this:

Year 1:  Graduate.  Throw all those damn teacher certification classes to the wind and take art and French and maybe anthropology classes.  Find a job at a chic spot.

Year 2:  Wait for Shawn to graduate.  Save as much money as possible.  Take tons of art and French classes.  Research moving to France.  Keep trucking at aforementioned "chic spot" and/or find better-paying interim job.

Year 3:  Move with Shawn to France, landing a job with an environmental protection agency.  Find a fabulous art teacher or go to a top notch art school in the evenings.  Travel as much as possible in free moments.  

What's your dream 3-year plan?

Today I want to just quit everything, flash the bird to real life, pack up, and go to art school.  : /

Life feels like it will be so ordinary if I don't.

The funny part is that life is going well.  I'm happy.  But I just don't want this forever.

Just stumbled upon this website the other day (it was actually on a facebook ad!).  It is really fascinating.  Even reading about the website and its founder was really interesting.

I already posted a note on facebook about an article on depression in creative people that absolutely spoke to me.  It makes sense that we as creative individuals seek, more than most people, to create and find meaning in life.  When we can't find that meaning, it really gets to us.  I really want to read the author's book, The Van Gogh Blues:  A Creative Person's Path Through Depression.  

there are so many voices in the world; as many as there are people.  

it's so hard to know which ones to listen to.

there is so much deception, but also glimmers of Truth.  

it is hard to discern between the two; difficult to extract the grain of Truth from the chaff.

i think i wish i knew more things for sure, but i don't know how i ever will.

perhaps Paradise is absolute certainty...

Tonight I happened to start going through my pictures of Europe and then I couldn't stop!  I am overwhelmed by how lucky I feel to have visited so many places and had such lovely experiences, all at a very young age.  There's this one picture I took of an apartment window in Sevilla.  This apartment window is like none other you've ever seen.  This mere apartment window has the power to instantaneously make me happy, no, JOYOUS to be alive!!

Big news:  Shawn and I are going to Orlando for spring break!!!!

I plan to spend an entire day unflinching and immobile; sprawled out on the beach.  And I mean I want people to poke at me to see if I'm dead or alive.  That is how sprawled out I will be!

And my birthday was fantastic.  School was cancelled due to snow, and I got to spend the entire day lounging around with Shawn.  We went to Barnes & Noble (I can't survive without going there at least twice a week!  Obsessive?  I think so!) and then had dinner with two friends at Applebee's. 

Shawn got me the sweetest gift--dancing lessons for two!  This was a real sacrifice, since he's been, shall we say, "hesitant" in the past about dancing, to say the least.  Now I really can't wait for his ankle to be better!  (Hopefully in time for Orlando!)

This Sunday I'm throwing a belated birthday tapas and sangria fiesta!  I wish you all could be there!

Lately, too, I've had an increased interest in spirituality.  I've been reading some spiritual books; one called A Woman's Path and one called Essential Spirituality:  Seven Practices to Awaken the Heart and Mind.  Yes, I'm too lazy to link those.  I highly recommend A Woman's Path.  I feel like simply reading it is a spiritual experience!  I haven't gotten far enough in the other one, but it seems really good so far.  

I feel so lucky.  Life is good.  (Hence the many exclamation points that I just now noticed but opt to sleep instead of change them.)

Is it odd that I recreationally go to the pet store to look at puppies?  And when I say "recreationally," I mean I've been FOUR TIMES IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS.  Meanwhile, I drag helpless victims in with me.  Today's was Dad.  And I swear to you, when I was done with him, the man had nearly stuffed an entire Australian Shepherd Dog puppy into his pocket.  Whole.

Needless to say, I think the time is looming when I should just break down and get a dog.

Speaking of breaking, Shawn has definitely been walking around on a BROKEN ANKLE for the past THREE WEEKS.  Poor baby.  He showed up at my house wielding crutches and sporting a knee-high black walking cast, and I couldn't help but say aloud, "You POOOOOOR thing!" in that high, rather nauseating voice we all know and love.  I don't think he appreciated that so much, but I'm all, "If I can't have something small and furry and lickably delicious to croon at, I damn well right am going to croon at you!"

Do you believe in ghosts?

I've always been raised to not believe in ghosts, but lately they've been a common theme in conversation.  A cartoon ghost even appeared on tv tonight, just hours after I had an extended conversation about them with a friend and received an email about them from someone else!  (Those kinds of coincidences are creepy. *shivers*)

It intrigues me that at least 3 people very close to me, and who I trust, have ghost stories from their own lives.  One friend was telling me hers, and it literally made all the hairs on my body stand on end.

I feel like I'm going through this really spacey, superstitious phase.  Or at least I'm interested in finding out more about things I've previously blown off as silly or a spoof.  

What do you think?  Are ghosts real?  Please feel free to share any ghost stories, the creepier, the better!  (I think I may have already asked for ghost stories around Halloween, but if you have more or want to repost, that's fine, too.)

Boo!  ; )

10 Weird Things About Me (stolen from Martha)

1. I not only played the normal kid instruments (flute and piano) but I also played the harp (and I kind of want to start it up again).  

2. I knit, even so well that people won't believe me when I say I made a particularly ornate cabled beanie cap--they think I bought it from American Eagle!  

3. I can wax poetic about the workings of the inner ear.

4. In most of my spare time, I enjoy reading books about alternative ideas like psychic phenomena, tarot, and Wicca.  

5. I obedience trained my dog, almost to obedience competition quality, at the age of 15.  I'm still very snooty about people who don't train their dogs well.  

6. My hair has been prone to change color at will.  Call me Tonks.  

7. I do visualization exercises before I go to bed and swear that they have cured me from illness.

8. A self-declared poetry nerd, I should really get around to writing again and try to submit some of my work.  I have one particularly haunting poem that perfectly reflects my religious state, and desperately desire to share it with the world through publishing.

9. I am an absolute language geek and wish I could learn every language in the world fluently.  I immensely enjoy tutoring struggling students in Spanish.

10. My life will be complete when I own the tiniest, sweetest Chihuahua that I can dress up in rhinestone-studded clothing and carry around in a purse.

So I am totally lusting after this woman's long, luscious, purpley-deep brown hair.  I saw her in Barnes & Noble wearing a rich purple cardigan with a cream lace cami, and for one swift moment I wanted to be her.

It is nights like this where going blonde again is totally NOT an option.  At least not yet.  I want to be a luscious, purpley-brown minx.

It's odd and unexplainable, but lately I've had a near-ravenous craving for space.  From everybody.  It doesn't mean I love everybody any less, but being alone is bliss for me right now.  I fight the urge to not keep my phone turned off all day.  When people invite me to hang out, more often than not I'd rather stay in my room and read for leisure.  Usually I make myself go anyway, and end up having a pretty good time.

Like last night when Shawn's sisters and I went out to a favorite local bar to celebrate B's birthday.  I ended up having a really fun time with them, and felt so included by his sisters.  It was great.  We met up early at T's house to get ready, and everyone cooed over each other's clothes and makeup and hair, and it was such serious bonding time that I didn't have the heart to tell them that I'm usually not that girly.  A perfect example of not being all that girly is when T came over beforehand to help me pick out an outfit, and I decided on one, and she said, "Well, don't you want to bring a couple more to my house in case you change your mind?"  And I'm all, oh yeah, most girls bring multiple changes of clothes on a regular if not daily basis.  But I pride myself on my ability to make up my mind (a feat near-impossible for a woman), if only about my evening attire.   

I think I'm starting to love them.  : )

Today I came to an epiphany.  

Life is so much sweeter if you choose to believe that people are for you, and not against you.

Sometimes I tend to live thinking the opposite.  Call it part of my jaded middle school & high school past.

But when you expect the best of people, it's so much easier to be happy.  It's so much more fruitful when you believe the tailgater behind you must be in a big hurry for a very important reason instead of just wanting to hack you off.  

Life is so much more beautiful when you avidly search for the good in all things.

I want to be more like this.

I was brave today.

After Miranda told me she would have to move out unexpectedly by March (she needs the money to move to Europe!), I found myself in need of another roomie.

So I posted an ad on facebook.  But that's not the brave thing I did.  I posted the ad for a female or gay male roommate.  This was big for me.  I never thought I'd be open to living with any guy, however, the past few years as I've become more open minded to the idea of homosexuality, I've secretly entertained the idea of one day being able to live my own "Will & Grace" show.  In fact, I almost desperately want to meet that perfectly lovable, poetic, melodramatic gay friend and share some of my space with him.

And I just hope my parents won't keel over dead if this perfect-for-me roomie comes knocking on my door.  Er, email. 

Today especially I'd love to believe that all eventually works together for ultimate good.  It makes the world feel so much friendlier.

But the world isn't always so friendly, and it's hard to believe when it seems like so much is fighting against us.

Perhaps these thoughts were provoked by the death of Heath Ledger.  

Perhaps it all simply ties to the way I've experienced the world.

Life can be so beautiful and so terrible all at once. 

Even in saying this, I feel I have no right to utter those words, because life has been so much fairer to me than countless others in this world.  

Someday I hope I understand.

Wow, I can't believe school starts tomorrow.  I think I'm ready.  This semester should be very interesting and fun because I get to take classes all about teaching and Deaf people.  I also am really looking forward to observing in an elementary classroom!!  Yay!

I've had quite the round of social activities in the past day or two.  Yesterday I met my wonderful & inspiring friend Kara for lunch at a local Indian restaurant.  She's one of those people you just connect with on a whole other level than most people.  You feel like you could tell her anything in the world and she would implicitly understand.  I love people like that.  I hope to be one, if not already.  She has a joy for life that I've never seen in anyone else.  We talked also about psychics, which I have a deep fascination to learn more about them at the moment.  We talked about mysticism and faith and travel (she's quite the traveler).  I wish I could spend more time with her.  I wish distance didn't separate me from many of the people I love the most.

My friend from Denmark has also been visiting.  She's a doll, and it's great taking her shopping and out to eat and watching her enjoy things here so much more than the average American.  I took her to dinner last night with Shawn and his friend, and she said she wishes she could just stay here.  Sometimes I wish things could stay just how they are in a given moment, now, and never change.

Yesterday I also went flea marketing with my grandma.  I can only take so much of looking at stations of old, cluttered, dusty things, but it's kind of exciting all the same because you never know when you'll find a treasure.  

With school starting tomorrow, I have a lot of different emotions; anything from excited, to nervous that it will be too stressful, to relieved that I'll have more to occupy my time, to sad that I won't have as much time to learn what I want to learn, to just happy.  But most of all I have this feeling that no matter what happens, this will be a good semester.  : )

After talking with my sweet friend, Abbey, this evening I realized that this break has had just enough activities interspersed at just the right intervals to keep me from coming to Ft. Worth to visit.  It is as if some mad genius planned it all.  This is how my break has gone:

School ended.  I collapsed and promptly got bored (a new feeling for me--I am rarely bored).  Should have gotten a job.

Christmas Activities quickly ensued.  All FIVE Christmas gatherings.  (Divorced parents and their significant others, even when they are not your own, do make for a busy holiday.)

I breathed for two days after Christmas, then my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins came into town.  The day before they left, my dear friend Cara who you all know and love came for a lovely visit.  The next day she left and Shawn, Shawn's family and I jumped in the car and went to visit his grandparents for their Christmas celebration, staying two days.

I breathed a few more days and then Shawn's friend Matt (for whom Shawn was one of the best men) married April yesterday in one of the most beautiful and fulfilling weddings I have yet to witness.  Of all the weddings I have seen, if pressed I think I would pick that one to be mine (different bride and groom and guests, obviously).  It was exquisite and tasteful.  Did I mention it was exquisite?

Today Shawn and some friends and I rode down to Arkansas to do some rock climbing.  It was a really good group, especially since his sister came.  The more I get to know her, the more I like her.  : )  

This coming Tuesday is Shawn's birthday.  It is all I can do to keep from giving him his presents literally weeks early, just because I can.  

Then I breathe a few more days and on the 14th, school starts!

Poor Ft. Worth got edged out this time.  : (  I've had a fabulous break, don't get me wrong.  I wish I could have squeezed in enough time to come visit.  But with the rate time is flying by, maybe the next vacation will be just around the bend...

Happy New Year!

Resolution:  to produce something artistic everyday, preferably for 30 minutes or more.  

Question:  should I keep my hair red or go back blonde?  

I was all set on being red for a while until Shawn told me he likes it better blonde.  : /

If I go back blonde, it would probably be more of a strawberry blonde, like this picture with maybe a few lighter highlights on top:

Wow, two posts in one night.  

I've noticed a couple of people saying they feel lonely lately.  I feel lonely, too.  Not a devastating loneliness, but more a "oh I wish someone was here to share this" kind of lonely.  I want to tell someone when paint from the gods has fallen and a single light dancing covers the streets in a green pathway to heaven.  I want someone to be there with me in the house just for a hug now and then.  

I felt really, really spoiled this Christmas, and overwhelmed at the number of gifts we give each other.  I think I might like it a little better if we reverted to handmade cards and a hug or phone call.  I was a little embarrassed at how many presents I got in front of him.  

Lately, I've discovered I generally dislike rich people.  It seems like middle-class to poor people are often kinder, more genuine, and less pompous.  

I think I'm falling in love with him more.  And I can't help it.  It's scary sometimes.  But also l o v e l y.

Even though I don't like most rich people, I kind of want to be rich when I grow up.  I don't like worrying about finances, and especially detest making other people worry about finances.  I hope I never have marital problems (though one could argue that a few "problems" are healthy), but I especially do not want marital problems over finances, conflicting life dreams, or infidelity.

I want to move somewhere warm, and even then get a hot tub.  : )  

I want to stop buying so much stuff.  It just clutters up your house.

I wish I was more humanitarian.  Often I feel lazy, apathetic, and distrustful of organizations that claim to give your donations to someone who really needs it.

Part of me still wants to study Spanish in-depth.  I don't know how to feel about that or what to do with it.

I should do a lot of things more or less, but I hate living by shoulds, so I don't.  I'm happy and healthy anyway.

I've had recurring nightmares about zombies ever since I watched Shaun of the Dead at least 2 weeks ago.

Maybe that's enough stream-of-consciousness writing for now.  I hope you can connect in some way.    

P.S. I'm happy

Christmas Fave Fours

Four Favorite Christmas Songs

I try to make a mental list of this every year and am never quite satisfied.  

1. Oh, Holy Night

2. Carol of the Bells

3. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

4. Let It Snow

5. Silent Night

Christmas Songs I Could Do Without Hearing Next Year

This list proves significantly longer, though there are few outstandingly nauseating ones.  I am easily made sick of Christmas music (yes, what a grinch!).

1. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

2. Santa Baby

3. Jingle Bells (so worn out, especially in child Batman renditions)

Favorite Christmas Movies

1. A Family Stone

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (animated version)

3. Elf

4. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (claymation)

Foods I Eat Each Christmas

1. Pie

2. Ham

3. Iced Sugar Cookies, family recipe and hand-decorated

4. Stuffing (mmmm!)

Favorite Christmas Traditions

1. Decorating said Iced Hand-Decorated Sugar Cookies with family and friends

2. Cooking with Mom

3. Caroling (we don't really do this, but I'd like to do it again)

4. Playing the elf and passing out everyone's presents

5. Having my cousins come to visit

Four Things I Got For Christmas This Year

1. A lovely new pea coat with a tiny black & white pattern from Shawn

2. The book Acrylic Revolution and a field easel from Shawn

3. A book on the grammatical intricacies of American Sign Language

4. A huge tub of margarita mix and rim salt along with a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila from Shawn's sister!

Productivity

Lately I've been reading an encouraging book about art called The View From the Studio Door:  How Artists Find Their Way In An Uncertain World by Ted Orland.  He and David Bayles wrote another fabulous book, Art & Fear.  

Sometimes producing art is scary.  You feel uncreative, afraid of people's judgment, fear not being able to produce immediate masterpieces.  Ted writes that with the first brush stroke or pen mark you have been creative--you have brought something new into existence (though the idea of whether anything is new or not is a whole other concept to ponder).  While masterpieces are inspiring and often elicit praise, you shouldn't do your work for all this, but because you enjoy the process.  

That makes one feel better about each piece of work produced--when one can deeply appreciate it for the joy of the process.

In other non-news, break has been good though a bit boring so far.  It seems I don't know what to do with myself when I don't have looming, ominous deadlines.

Last night was a fun time.  My friends Brian and Eric were in from out of town as well as my friend Abbey.  They all came over and got to meet Shawn (Abbey already had, briefly).  We all ended up going out to my favorite relaxed bar.  I couldn't believe Brian bought everyone's drinks!  

As I was reviewing the night this morning, I came to a startling realization.  I think I'm very hesitant to trust people my own age.  But with people even just a few years older, I automatically feel a bit more at ease.  Interesting.

Well, I'm off to the not-so-glam job of cleaning my shower (it is vile by now).  Hope everyone's having a lovely break and holiday!

Absolutely Edible

As in, I kind of want to stick his entire face in my mouth, in one wallopy, salivated kiss.

I want one.  

One that stays that way forever.

(It's a blue Australian Heeler, by the way.)

to be haunted by someone's eyes and find the footsteps of his memory in your thoughts.

wishing he would drive long and far into the night to find you.

to feel the joyous ache of long conversations that feel too short.  wanting to stay, listening through waves of sound and air, just listening to him breathe.

wanting to stay.

Accidental Babies by Damien Rice

"is he dark enough

to see your light?"

"do you miss my smell?"

"is he bold enough

to take you on?"

"do you feel

like you belong?"

"does he drive you wild?

or just mildly free?"

"what about me?"

Wow, I just realized that last post must have come off sounding quite negative.  It amazes me how technology can drive me into fits of rage that few humans could elicit.

I've been noticing negativity a lot lately.  I've been trying to be more mindful of when I'm negative and who I feel negative toward or around them.  I don't know if you're this way, but a few people make me feel negative whenever I'm around them.  By the way, anyone who would be reading this would not be in that small group of people.  But I've noticed I have a friend (again, nobody reading this) who keeps shooting herself in the foot.  And I've found I feel negative, critical, and a bit judgemental around her most of the time.  I think I need to change my way of responding to her problems (mentally and verbally).  It frustrates me that she tells me all these problems but they seem to never go away or become replaced with new and bigger problems.  I guess I need to treat her kindly, but not encourage her to dwell too much on problems and also not feel personally responsible for fixing her problems.

I read a very interesting concept in my Psychology book (Exploring Psychology by David G. Meyers).  It is called having an external locus of control versus internal locus of control.  If you have an external locus of control, it means you believe that outside factors like luck or fate are responsible for your destiny.  If you have an internal locus of control, you believe that you are in charge of your own destiny.  People who have internal loci of control are far more likely to excel academically, be healthier, and do not suffer as often from depression.    This is a generalization, of course, but I believe that so often when we are unhappy with our lives, it is our responsibility alone to change something to make it better.  Sometimes you have to change quite a few things before something good clicks.  Also, I can see that the shift from having a fairly external locus of control to having an internal locus of control is a major change I've made in the past year.  And it seems that after I made that change (which was a rapid change, by the way) I have been significantly happier than perhaps I've ever been.  I know that there are all kinds of factors that probably contribute to this, but the change to having an internal locus of control is one of the more major changes I have made lately.  One more note--I think it is healthy to realize that some things in life are not in your control and therefore to not be too hard on yourself if, say, you fail.  

Which locus of control do you think you have, and how does it seem to be working for you?

Sidenote:  Kelly, if I goofed something up with any those explanations, or you feel like you could better describe them, please feel free to correct/describe.

So I tried to do that effin' quiz that everyone's been doing, and when I tried to paste it, it kept jumping down BELOW the text box to type in.  And that's rational in WHAT dimension?  

Oh computers, bane of my existence.  I'm almost ready to revoke my Mac worshiping.  But then when I think of actually loving a PC, as in touching one from day to day, something inside me shivers and I realize that whatever makes them freeze up all the gd time is starting, telepathically, to make my heart all frosty around the edges.  : )  Behold, I'm saved by the radiance that is Apple.

Except for the friggin' text box tricks.