"I want to give it to her, but I don't know what 'it' is."

*Warning:  viewer discretion advised.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=30768563

Literally laughing out loud.

http://getmortified.com/

I think I need to write this down for the world to see, just so my head doesn't explode.

Clinical Psychology

Pros:

~Getting a sense of fulfillment from work by directly helping people.

~Widening the knowledge base through research.

~Psychology in general is fascinating to me.  

~I love the idea of helping people become healthier and happier.  What better thing could you do for a person?

~A variety of career options within the field:  be a therapist, teach, or research.  

~A variety of places you could work:  private practice, in a hospital, in a university, in many other places, I'm sure...

~Tons of different topic areas to explore.

~Personal growth resulting from the information you have to learn in school.  Most of the psychologists and psychology majors I've met have been absolutely lovely, fascinating people I'd want to be around all the time.  I know I would grow and understand myself more as a person if I were in this field.

Cons:

~I wonder if I could handle being around "down" to mentally disturbed people all day.

~A slight risk of physical harm from patients.

~LOTS of paperwork.  I HATE paperwork.

~Insurance, aka "Notes from the Dark Side."

~LOTS of schooling.  I'm rather disenchanted with school at the moment, but still feel like I would enjoy going to school for Clinical Psychology.  Not to mention that getting into a program is almost as competitive as med school programs.  Yikes!

~Would I actually enjoy research?  All I know is I hate statistics and often find my eyes glazing over when reading scientific research articles.  Would this improve with more exposure to the material?

~Maybe I wouldn't make quite as much money as I would with a doctorate or even master's degree in another field.  Then again, I could live quite comfortably.

Fashion Design

Pros:

~Creating beautiful things.  A colorful job.

~Improving the choices of what's out there.  This is a driving factor:  I chronically find myself disappointed with the clothing on the market.

~Potential to work for myself.

~Potential to live in exotic locales:  NYC, Paris, London, Milan, Tokyo...

~Only one to two years of additional schooling required.

~I feel like I have an exceptional amount of ideas for clothes, and am pretty creative when put on the spot, so this could really work for me.

~If you make it big, you can make well over $100K a year.  Whoo!

Cons:

~I didn't pour over Vogue magazines or constantly design clothes as a little girl.  Is my heart in it enough?

~You usually have to pay your dues before making it big, if you ever make it big.  Would I really be happy as a designer's assistant?  I'm not sure I would.  Then again, "if you never try, you never know..."

~I might have to live in a big city the rest of my life.  Not sure I'm okay with that.  Definitely don't think Shawn's okay with that.

~A lot of your success is based on luck and connections.

~I've never really followed styles--would that be a problem?  Probably.  Then again, I might follow style if my livelihood depended on it.

~I worry that most of the people I'd be around would be superficial.  I can't stand superficial people, and I don't believe that clothing drives the sway of life.

~I worry/know that the job wouldn't be as glamorous as I picture in my mind.

If you have any thoughts, please comment!

Life has been, er, unusual lately.  Between bouts of insidious boredom, I manage to manufacture enough drama for about 10 lives.  This is strange because I'm normally a drama-free person, even to the extent of avoiding it if at all possible.  I feel caught in this awkward stage, as if my whole life is holding its breath, waiting for some critical change.  Yet I'm not sure what I want to change, except that I'd love to feel more at peace with the world and my responses to it.  Not sure how to get there, though.  As ever, my obsessive mind gnaws on at topics that should have been put to rest months ago.  I feel not quite myself and know that I can change locations and hobbies and people and jobs, but I'm not convinced that doing any of those things would be anything more than a quick fix; a bandaid for a larger issue.  Then again, maybe it's all about the looming change that will come when I graduate.  Do you ever feel like you're just mechanically going through the motions, smiling and laughing and crying and doing everything on cue, but you know your heart's not in it?  Maybe that's the, ahem, "clinical" definition of senioritis!  

I just talked with another girl in my program, and she admitted having similar feelings.  It was a relief to hear that maybe I'm not going crazy, or at least not all on my own.  Maybe I will just have to learn to deal with the stress of this upcoming change positively by exercising regularly and talking to people about it rather than internalizing all of it until I have a meltdown.

Something positive in my life right now is my interest in possibly pursuing psychology.  In so many ways, as cliche as this may be, thinking about being someone's therapist one day makes me want to be a better person and live my life according to my own advice.  It often helps me more closely monitor  my thoughts and the way I relate to people.  It helps me be more gentle with myself, yet also analyze times when I'm being selfish, unkind, or unproductive.   While I'm in no way perfect, I can't wait to give to people one day.  I'd like to give more to people right now, but I'm not entirely sure how.  One thing I also love about psychology is that the vast majority of the psychology professors and friends in psychology I've had are such warm, nurturing people.  Definitely people I would want to be like.  I love the idea of my career helping me grow as a person.

I've had quite the social life lately, despite my previous complaints of boredom.  Friday night was one of my manager's birthdays.  I'd never really socialized with my coworkers other than at work meetings, so it was interesting to see everyone relaxed and drinking (we met at a posh bar).  And I totally told off this creepy guy saying disgusting things about my very young coworker (she didn't hear him).  It's all a bit fuzzy, but I think I told him he was going to find himself on the floor if he didn't leave her alone! The shocking thing is that he immediately backed down and went very far away from us.  Who knew I could be intimidating?!! 

Then yesterday my friend/neighbor invited Shawn and me over for tacos and a movie.  We brought Girl, Interrupted, one of my all time favorite movies.  If you haven't seen it, you haven't lived.  Find it and watch it asap, if only to drool over Winona Ryder (pictured above) for 2 hours.  : )  It's also the only movie I've seen Angelina Jolie look absolutely hideous.  Which is darkly fulfilling, hehe.

Later that night some friends and I went out to another fun bar here in town.  Goodness, I can't seem to escape the drinking!  I think it'll be health nights from now til next weekend.  Even though today I was already back to oogling the wine at Sam's Club (where, by the way, you can buy alcohol without a membership!).

On a bright note, my new friend Kevin makes some amazing music.  You all should check it out!  I hope he can make it big someday.  : )

from A Lifetime of Secrets by Frank Warren

"I'm starting to realize my indecisiveness is a far worse fate than making the wrong decision."

(this one, succinct statement perfectly sums up what has been fighting inside of me these past months.)

"I'm so scared that growing up means dying a little inside."

(me, too.  every day.)

"I wish that every human life might be pure transparent freedom."

 --Simone de Beauvoir

(it's the only way to live.  if only each of us could realize it starts with us, with one person.  a passion for this is why i want to work in a helping profession.)

The first day of the last semester of my bachelor's degree starts today.  FINALLY.  Surprisingly, I didn't feel an overwhelming sense of dread this time.  I want to just get it done and be finished with this degree I may not use.  Over the break, I've done a little research on potential careers and I'm finding myself interested in Clinical Psychology again.  Other potential interests are being an Anthropology professor or working in Human Resources.  However, Human Resources seems to lack "color" that the other two jobs possess.  Then again, HR could pay me the best with the least amount of education, and I don't really know what an HR person even does.  More research is required.

Anyway, wish me luck on my first day.  Hope you all have a lovely week!  :)

Happy New Year, everyone!

I admired Cara's list of things she did in 2008. I'd like to write a similar list, but it's hard to remember everything and especially verbalize it. I think so many of my blog friends are much better writers than I am. Some people are more verbal, but I'm a visual person. Pictures often express so much more about me than words, which is why I should try to develop this mode of expression more in myself.

I also want to thank all of you, my friends. I don't think I could have done 2008 without you.

Goals for 2009:

~Exercise regularly (30 minutes 3x/week). Lose the thighs. Work the abs. Take my vitamins.
~Get my adult life on a good track. (More later on this.)
~Take a roadtrip with wonderful friends. Document it with photographs and videos. (Anyone have a camcorder? haha)
~Go to Europe? Take that pilgrimage (El Camino de Santiago)?
~Try my hand at photography maybe, since I'm no good at regularly producing fine art.
~Write a poem now and then.
~Graduate May 2009, whooo!
~Get a big girl job.
~Figure out who I am a little more.
~Make the world a more beautiful place.
~Drink a little less.
~Be myself more. Be real with people. Be the girl men would give both their balls to be with, and not just 'cause she's hot.
~Keep my big mouth shut more.
~Be happy as much as possible and hopefully pass it on to others. : )