I've been noticing negativity a lot lately. I've been trying to be more mindful of when I'm negative and who I feel negative toward or around them. I don't know if you're this way, but a few people make me feel negative whenever I'm around them. By the way, anyone who would be reading this would not be in that small group of people. But I've noticed I have a friend (again, nobody reading this) who keeps shooting herself in the foot. And I've found I feel negative, critical, and a bit judgemental around her most of the time. I think I need to change my way of responding to her problems (mentally and verbally). It frustrates me that she tells me all these problems but they seem to never go away or become replaced with new and bigger problems. I guess I need to treat her kindly, but not encourage her to dwell too much on problems and also not feel personally responsible for fixing her problems.
I read a very interesting concept in my Psychology book (Exploring Psychology by David G. Meyers). It is called having an external locus of control versus internal locus of control. If you have an external locus of control, it means you believe that outside factors like luck or fate are responsible for your destiny. If you have an internal locus of control, you believe that you are in charge of your own destiny. People who have internal loci of control are far more likely to excel academically, be healthier, and do not suffer as often from depression. This is a generalization, of course, but I believe that so often when we are unhappy with our lives, it is our responsibility alone to change something to make it better. Sometimes you have to change quite a few things before something good clicks. Also, I can see that the shift from having a fairly external locus of control to having an internal locus of control is a major change I've made in the past year. And it seems that after I made that change (which was a rapid change, by the way) I have been significantly happier than perhaps I've ever been. I know that there are all kinds of factors that probably contribute to this, but the change to having an internal locus of control is one of the more major changes I have made lately. One more note--I think it is healthy to realize that some things in life are not in your control and therefore to not be too hard on yourself if, say, you fail.
Which locus of control do you think you have, and how does it seem to be working for you?
Sidenote: Kelly, if I goofed something up with any those explanations, or you feel like you could better describe them, please feel free to correct/describe.
5 comments:
i think i have an internal locus by nature, but my faith (i guess) gives me more of an external one. i guess i can see what you're saying, but the problem i see is... i think if you're an internal sort... when things are going really well (or even relatively well), you feel powerful and secure and "happy" as you say. but when things go downhill, the sadness and anger is much more profound because you don't know where to turn. you feel guilt and inadequacy, etc. i'm not saying you don't feel those things when you have an external locus. but i think it's worse when you think YOU are in control. [and don't get me wrong and think that just because i have an external locus in the Lord that i don't think we are responsible for our reactions to the circumstances which befall us. but that's the difference... i think sometimes circumstances are out of our control. but we control our reactions.]
and i think many people with an internal locus decide to have an external one when things are bad so they don't have to take blame or responsibility for the way things are. it's funny how crazy this seems when written out... but how often it happens. we want to take credit for our happiness and "good fortune" but we want to shift blame and/or responsibility onto something or someone else when things don't go our way.
sorry... didn't mean for this to turn into a lecture. these are just my thoughts. and funny how... despite the vast difference between our two posts... my post from yesterday and this one do correlate just a touch. perhaps that's why i have so much to say.
Good thoughts. I agree with you that people need to have a little bit of an external locus in some ways. That's why I said, "I think it is healthy to realize that some things in life are not in your control and therefore to not be too hard on yourself if, say, you fail." I probably should have expanded on that more.
I guess the main reason why I posted this with such an emphasis on the internal locus is that I think that so often people don't take enough control of and responsibility for their own lives, and suffer miserably their whole lives as a result, failing to live out their potential.
I like to believe that people are far more capable (even powerful) than they often care to realize. That the world is your oyster if you only believe and act like it is.
Yes, technology can easily start fits of rage for me too! Ask Shannon about the time that I was cursing Macs, weddings, and Asians, all because of technological problems!
Hmm, I have a couple of friends too and sometimes classmates that I just feel myself feeling more negative around (I think I wrote a blog about this once). I really don't know what to do, other than to balance my time with those people. You need time away to remember that you're not a negative critical person, and exactly like you said, to remind yourself that you don't have to fix her. Other than that, I'm not really sure what to do, but I think the fact that you're noticing these effects is a really good first step to changing them :)
I think I have internal or external locus of control depending on the realm. Academically and occupationally, I have an internal locus of control. How I perform in school and work is my responsibility, so I take full credit for my successes and failures in those areas.
However, like Martha, because of my faith,, I tend to have an external locus of control when it comes to more personal matters in my life - family, friends, relationships, etc. I recognize that even when I take responsibility and act intentionally to achieve a certain goal, there are still forces outside my control that can support or hinder that goal.
really good thoughts here. i felt like i commented already, but it must have been in my head. or maybe that's my mystery comment above, and i deleted it and forgot all about it.
first of all, i try to curse macs, asians, and weddings everyday, regardless of technological problems. i just feel like a more complete person when these things have been cursed.
i kid. i kid.
okay, external versus internal locus. i have a lot of thoughts on the matter, most of which have been touched on. could it be that the external locus gives us the ability to have an internal locus and therefore make decisions and take responsibility for our actions?
i guess i'll leave it at that.
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