Wow, two posts in one night.  

I've noticed a couple of people saying they feel lonely lately.  I feel lonely, too.  Not a devastating loneliness, but more a "oh I wish someone was here to share this" kind of lonely.  I want to tell someone when paint from the gods has fallen and a single light dancing covers the streets in a green pathway to heaven.  I want someone to be there with me in the house just for a hug now and then.  

I felt really, really spoiled this Christmas, and overwhelmed at the number of gifts we give each other.  I think I might like it a little better if we reverted to handmade cards and a hug or phone call.  I was a little embarrassed at how many presents I got in front of him.  

Lately, I've discovered I generally dislike rich people.  It seems like middle-class to poor people are often kinder, more genuine, and less pompous.  

I think I'm falling in love with him more.  And I can't help it.  It's scary sometimes.  But also l o v e l y.

Even though I don't like most rich people, I kind of want to be rich when I grow up.  I don't like worrying about finances, and especially detest making other people worry about finances.  I hope I never have marital problems (though one could argue that a few "problems" are healthy), but I especially do not want marital problems over finances, conflicting life dreams, or infidelity.

I want to move somewhere warm, and even then get a hot tub.  : )  

I want to stop buying so much stuff.  It just clutters up your house.

I wish I was more humanitarian.  Often I feel lazy, apathetic, and distrustful of organizations that claim to give your donations to someone who really needs it.

Part of me still wants to study Spanish in-depth.  I don't know how to feel about that or what to do with it.

I should do a lot of things more or less, but I hate living by shoulds, so I don't.  I'm happy and healthy anyway.

I've had recurring nightmares about zombies ever since I watched Shaun of the Dead at least 2 weeks ago.

Maybe that's enough stream-of-consciousness writing for now.  I hope you can connect in some way.    

P.S. I'm happy

Christmas Fave Fours

Four Favorite Christmas Songs

I try to make a mental list of this every year and am never quite satisfied.  

1. Oh, Holy Night

2. Carol of the Bells

3. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

4. Let It Snow

5. Silent Night

Christmas Songs I Could Do Without Hearing Next Year

This list proves significantly longer, though there are few outstandingly nauseating ones.  I am easily made sick of Christmas music (yes, what a grinch!).

1. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

2. Santa Baby

3. Jingle Bells (so worn out, especially in child Batman renditions)

Favorite Christmas Movies

1. A Family Stone

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (animated version)

3. Elf

4. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (claymation)

Foods I Eat Each Christmas

1. Pie

2. Ham

3. Iced Sugar Cookies, family recipe and hand-decorated

4. Stuffing (mmmm!)

Favorite Christmas Traditions

1. Decorating said Iced Hand-Decorated Sugar Cookies with family and friends

2. Cooking with Mom

3. Caroling (we don't really do this, but I'd like to do it again)

4. Playing the elf and passing out everyone's presents

5. Having my cousins come to visit

Four Things I Got For Christmas This Year

1. A lovely new pea coat with a tiny black & white pattern from Shawn

2. The book Acrylic Revolution and a field easel from Shawn

3. A book on the grammatical intricacies of American Sign Language

4. A huge tub of margarita mix and rim salt along with a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila from Shawn's sister!

Productivity

Lately I've been reading an encouraging book about art called The View From the Studio Door:  How Artists Find Their Way In An Uncertain World by Ted Orland.  He and David Bayles wrote another fabulous book, Art & Fear.  

Sometimes producing art is scary.  You feel uncreative, afraid of people's judgment, fear not being able to produce immediate masterpieces.  Ted writes that with the first brush stroke or pen mark you have been creative--you have brought something new into existence (though the idea of whether anything is new or not is a whole other concept to ponder).  While masterpieces are inspiring and often elicit praise, you shouldn't do your work for all this, but because you enjoy the process.  

That makes one feel better about each piece of work produced--when one can deeply appreciate it for the joy of the process.

In other non-news, break has been good though a bit boring so far.  It seems I don't know what to do with myself when I don't have looming, ominous deadlines.

Last night was a fun time.  My friends Brian and Eric were in from out of town as well as my friend Abbey.  They all came over and got to meet Shawn (Abbey already had, briefly).  We all ended up going out to my favorite relaxed bar.  I couldn't believe Brian bought everyone's drinks!  

As I was reviewing the night this morning, I came to a startling realization.  I think I'm very hesitant to trust people my own age.  But with people even just a few years older, I automatically feel a bit more at ease.  Interesting.

Well, I'm off to the not-so-glam job of cleaning my shower (it is vile by now).  Hope everyone's having a lovely break and holiday!

Absolutely Edible

As in, I kind of want to stick his entire face in my mouth, in one wallopy, salivated kiss.

I want one.  

One that stays that way forever.

(It's a blue Australian Heeler, by the way.)

to be haunted by someone's eyes and find the footsteps of his memory in your thoughts.

wishing he would drive long and far into the night to find you.

to feel the joyous ache of long conversations that feel too short.  wanting to stay, listening through waves of sound and air, just listening to him breathe.

wanting to stay.

Accidental Babies by Damien Rice

"is he dark enough

to see your light?"

"do you miss my smell?"

"is he bold enough

to take you on?"

"do you feel

like you belong?"

"does he drive you wild?

or just mildly free?"

"what about me?"

Wow, I just realized that last post must have come off sounding quite negative.  It amazes me how technology can drive me into fits of rage that few humans could elicit.

I've been noticing negativity a lot lately.  I've been trying to be more mindful of when I'm negative and who I feel negative toward or around them.  I don't know if you're this way, but a few people make me feel negative whenever I'm around them.  By the way, anyone who would be reading this would not be in that small group of people.  But I've noticed I have a friend (again, nobody reading this) who keeps shooting herself in the foot.  And I've found I feel negative, critical, and a bit judgemental around her most of the time.  I think I need to change my way of responding to her problems (mentally and verbally).  It frustrates me that she tells me all these problems but they seem to never go away or become replaced with new and bigger problems.  I guess I need to treat her kindly, but not encourage her to dwell too much on problems and also not feel personally responsible for fixing her problems.

I read a very interesting concept in my Psychology book (Exploring Psychology by David G. Meyers).  It is called having an external locus of control versus internal locus of control.  If you have an external locus of control, it means you believe that outside factors like luck or fate are responsible for your destiny.  If you have an internal locus of control, you believe that you are in charge of your own destiny.  People who have internal loci of control are far more likely to excel academically, be healthier, and do not suffer as often from depression.    This is a generalization, of course, but I believe that so often when we are unhappy with our lives, it is our responsibility alone to change something to make it better.  Sometimes you have to change quite a few things before something good clicks.  Also, I can see that the shift from having a fairly external locus of control to having an internal locus of control is a major change I've made in the past year.  And it seems that after I made that change (which was a rapid change, by the way) I have been significantly happier than perhaps I've ever been.  I know that there are all kinds of factors that probably contribute to this, but the change to having an internal locus of control is one of the more major changes I have made lately.  One more note--I think it is healthy to realize that some things in life are not in your control and therefore to not be too hard on yourself if, say, you fail.  

Which locus of control do you think you have, and how does it seem to be working for you?

Sidenote:  Kelly, if I goofed something up with any those explanations, or you feel like you could better describe them, please feel free to correct/describe.

So I tried to do that effin' quiz that everyone's been doing, and when I tried to paste it, it kept jumping down BELOW the text box to type in.  And that's rational in WHAT dimension?  

Oh computers, bane of my existence.  I'm almost ready to revoke my Mac worshiping.  But then when I think of actually loving a PC, as in touching one from day to day, something inside me shivers and I realize that whatever makes them freeze up all the gd time is starting, telepathically, to make my heart all frosty around the edges.  : )  Behold, I'm saved by the radiance that is Apple.

Except for the friggin' text box tricks.

Farewell November

I'm finally starting to get used to my new hair.  I haven't quite figured out how to style it yet.  It probably doesn't help that I sleep on it wet, waking with huge cowlicks and fronds of RED sticking every direction.  I have to admit, the day after I cut it, I almost cried.  And I was on the verge of dying it blonde for several days.  I can't say I won't dye it blonde the next go around, but RED is fun for a bit.  I think it taught me, too, to be more confident regardless of what I think others will think.

Other news as of late:  I'm looking for a job.  I may apply to this funky place I love for drinks and appetizers (you have to admit it, anywhere that serves drinks lets you rake in the tips).  I've also thought of some clothing stores and other places...  We'll see.  That's really vague, but I feel a little iffy posting specifics all over the internet. 

Someone very close to me has a lot on their mind so any kind thoughts/prayers would be appreciated.  I know everything will work out okay, but it's hard to remember that when you're in the middle of the situation.  This person totally does not deserve any of what's happening.  But if a few things work out here and there, it could make life a lot easier for him/her.

I've been feeling a little uncentered lately if that makes sense.  Like some things inside are a little off.  I think I need a good day to relax, reflect, and be still.  But alas, finals are around the bend.  I'm pretty burned out with school, too.  : /  I seem to get that way usually right before Christmas for some reason.  Needless to say, I'm really excited for break.  Breaks help me feel real again, haha.  Although the good news is that this semester I've been feeling the most happy, like myself, and like a normal human being (in a good way, not a conformist attitude) that I've felt in years.  

It feels good to be me.  

Other things that feel good:

~Being smiled at by a dear friend.

~Being understood.

~A good back scratch, especially when you haven't had one for a while.

~Laughing   HYSTERICALLY. 

~Sitting on the front porch in the early morning dawn, engulfed in a blanket, sipping hot tea, watching the world wake up.

Before and After Pics

before

after

The State of the Universe

Today my roommates and I had our "family Thanksgiving."  When we first moved into our house, we planned on getting a "family portrait" taken, framed, and prominently displayed on the mantle.  That never happened, but we still do "family" stuff like host a Thanksgiving for our friends.

Oh, and my hair is RED now.  Not red.  RED.  And short.  I'm talking pretty pixie.  It is pretty much its own living entity at the moment, living and functioning separately from my body.  I've had more than one person say I look like an elf.  I'll take that as a good thing.  It was kind of a spur of the moment decision.  And I almost cried about it yesterday, and even called several old hair stylists to see if they could die it back blonde for me.  I'm not sure that I won't still do that.  Tomorrow.  We'll see how I feel in the morning.  It is just so unusual for me.  And I would post pics, but the friggin photo link isn't working.  

Lately I've been in a very shy mood.  I don't really like to say hi to people I know passing on the sidewalk, even though I know it's polite.  So when I changed my hair drastically, I've been getting all kinds of attention for it.  It's kind of weird for me to not like attention, being an only child.  It's all been really positive attention, too.  People are silly sometimes, getting in funky moods that last months.  Or maybe it's just a new facet of who I am--someone who doesn't like to be in the spotlight.  We'll see.    

Do you believe in psychics?

Absolutely Precious

Gay

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=2051907

This was a fascinating videoclip about Gay Mormons.

For some reason homosexuality has always fascinated me. And lately the LDS Church has ignited a growing interest. Both are groups that I do not believe I will ever have any desire to be a member of within my lifetime, but their differences from myself I find intriguing.

It was the negative (if not horrific) treatment of gays and lesbians by the Christian Church that pushed me over the edge in the way I relate to the Christian religion. Granted, I know that not all Christians treat gays and lesbians poorly, but seeing how a large deal of them treated gays and lesbians as well of the negative views on gays that I was raised with made me start to wonder if I wanted to be connected with people who could say and do things like that.

Anyway, I really didn't want to open a can of worms, and that is a whole other story, but I hope you take something of worth from the videoclip.

A Very Happy Pre-Halloween



The Rock Star and the Vampire



Notice the bite marks



Vampire Roomies--a Ghastly Crew!

Eeeee!! I'm thoroughly pumped about the fab annual Halloween Party that my roommates and I are throwing tomorrow night. Wish some of you lovely internet and faraway friends could come.

I'm going to be a vampira. Mwahahahaha.

Life is so confusing. Being a grown up is so complicated.

I saw "Stardust" tonight. Fabulous movie, even though it was a little predictable. I think every girl wants to be a Star.

I feel a little of my luster is faint, but I don't know how to change it. It's hard to describe, except that I'm generally happy but feel bogged down my uncertainties that I make for myself. Things could be more certain if I allowed it, but I'm not sure that's what I want...


All I want is a life that allows me to shine as bright as I am able.

'scuse the cheese.

Whew, it's been a while! To be honest, I've tried to sit down and write several times, even opened up a new post, but I just wasn't feeling in the right mode.

Shawn was so cute today. Last night I was open about some hard-to-share things, but he was very supportive and loving, and today it felt like a burden had lifted and that we could be free to be ourselves around each other. Maybe I hadn't been feeling that free for a while. But I truly believe that communication is the wonder drug for any relationship, whether romantic or friendship. It's the way we truly connect as humans.

Today we borrowed my cousins' mountain bikes and took them out on the trail. It was my first-ever experience mountain biking. I'll have to admit, it was intense. I think I fell over at least four times! But it was also a blast. Lately I've been looking into buying a mountain bike, so I wanted to go on a trail to see if I really like that. I don't know if I'll ever become the US Womens Mountain Biking Champion, but it's really fun to get out and try something different.

School has been absolutely insane this week, with tons of projects thrown on me spur of the moment. But despite all that, I think I'm learning to deal with the stress better (finally, now that I'm a senior!). I still have a ways to go in the stress management department, but I've been trying to embrace a philosophy of being easy on myself. Life is hard enough on you--you don't need to be hard on yourself! I think for so long I've tried to constantly change and improve myself for the better, which is good, but there's something to be said for just sitting back and enjoying yourself for the way you are. For loving who you are. I think the gross majority of Americans don't love themselves--that's so sad. You should be your own best cheerleader and comforter.

This is very odd. Normally I am a sugar-holic. Like, I could eat the stuff raw for breakfast, and often do! But lately anything even feintly sweet has been repulsive. I've been craving salt. I joked with Shawn today at McAlister's (a deli) that I would love the sweet tea if it were instead a salty brine. He wrinkled his nose and couldn't even find words to express the horror.

Well, there's life in a nutshell. There's so much more but you just can't put everything into words. Sometimes you don't want to. Sometimes they're beautiful just the way they are in your mind, unlabeled by language and free.

Poll:

Remember the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding"? How the guy is forced to choose between his fiancee, Cameron Diaz, and his best friend, Julia Roberts?



Who would you choose to marry: your best friend or the person with the special spark?

this is absolutely precious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY4Epc2XSGc



thanks, dooce.com!

Artistic Book Autopsies:

http://centripetalnotion.com/2007/09/13/13:26:26/



Thanks, http://www.dooce.com

(And thanks, Cara, for posting dooce.com a while ago. I love it!)

I realized that I only have one scary story of genuine merit and need a few more to boost my repertoire. If you post yours, I'll post mine. Or you could create one a la Mary Shelley. (Frankenstein was written after she and some friends decided to bring their best ghost story to their next lake getaway.)

I have to confess, I have "Into the Ocean" by Blue October stuck on repeat, as I do "Calling You." I mean, one would THINK a girl would get sick of hearing about rain and oceans and motion and I thought of just your face, but after 572 times I'm still as in love as I've always been.

Things, however, that I'm not in love with

-Awkward silences. It's so psychological and just, well, awkward. We are perfectly capable of communicating and enjoying each other as human beings, but such little ideas can make a moment freeze over. Take, for example, last night. It's 1am and my friends and I (after, ahem, a few drinks) shuffle into the local equivalent of IHOP (International House of Pancakes for the uninitiated). As we're walking in, my all-time favorite junior, let's call him Drew, is exiting. Rather giddy already, I'm sure I say much too loudly, "Oh my GOSH! It's Drew!" He flashes that "I know you've been drinking but we'll pretend I don't know you know that I know" smile. We stumble over the usual phrases, and then, in a brilliant wave of charisma, I shout out, "It was great to see you! We should hang out!" Then, clearly brooding for a second, I shout, "You, know, friendly." Drew and I stand there just staring at each other for literally the amount of time it takes not only for the crickets to begin to chirp, but to develop a full out symphony. Then we mumble byes and he's gone.

-Walking around in a slightly dazed state ALL WEEK LONG. Forgetting to call people back. Forgetting to email people back. Forgetting to put your head back on just when you'd found it after the last time you lost it.

-Cleaning. (*shudders, cowering*)


Things I love

-Being more open and expressive the past few days. I think writing regularly helps you tell people what's on your mind.

-Not only having the boyfriend to lunch with Grandma, but seeing him hug her in the beginning, when he's only met her once. Did I mention he's a candidate for sainthood?

-Lake trips with friends you haven't seen for a while.

-My new friend Mandy. She just makes me smiley all over. This may be odd, but the first day in class I saw her, I immediately knew we'd be friends.

-My American Sign Language 1 class. We actually played the game "telephone" the other day. You know, where you tell someone something, and they tell the next person, and the next, and the next. I love reliving the glory days of 2nd grade.

-Babbling. And while I'm babbling, someone randomly latching onto my lip with his fingers and proceeding (oh the audacity!) to wiggle it up and down.

-Drawing. Even if it doesn't turn out perfect. Whoever said anything would be perfect clearly has a brain of mush. NOTHING IN LIFE WILL BE PERFECT. If I had really understood this from the beginning instead of learning it about 6 months ago, it would have saved me a veritable decade of angst, at least. You have to make thousands of mistakes to learn an art. Funny how life's like that, too, how you have to make thousands of mistakes to learn to live. That it all turns out okay.

I find myself watching this daily:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4R6vMPYR1vo

In this moment, I feel so very happy. For starters, I've had loads and loads of this creative energy exploding inside of me. I don't know where it's coming from, but I've been having a heyday writing. I even drew tonight for the first time in months. The thing you must know about drawing and me is that it resonates within the deepest part of me, but it also is one of the most vulnerable parts of me. I feel like it is possibly my ultimate form of expression, and yet, I am the most scared of it. While writing is fairly hidden on the page and you have to dive into it to understand and judge it, drawing and painting is immediately there, vulnerable for the world to see. You can rate it in a second. And that scares me shitless, but it also thrills me. So I want to work more on drawing and painting as well as writing. (Writing is more comfortable, like a dear, old friend.)

And my subject tonight, haha. I drew an older Albert Einstein upside down! (Drawing things upside down is easier than right side up!) I love the faces of the elderly. The shadowy wrinkles, mmm, they tell so much.

Four

Four First Names of Crushes I've Had:
1. Bobby Yawn. For real. This was in kindergarten--I got started early.
2. Jesse (first kiss!)
3. Heath
4. oh, I think it was Zack

Four Pieces of Clothing I wish I still owned:
1. My teal jeweled earrings that killed each other this morning! One of them launched herself onto her sister, over great heights, to body slam her and knock out jewels from both earrings. It was quite dramatic. I almost cried.
2. grandma's brooch (thanks, Cara)
3. This pair of brown Arizona shoes that were Doc Marten look alikes. They were the best. Probably because they cost 30% of Docs price.

I can't think of any more. I like to move on and have variety in my clothes.

Four Names I've Been Called at One Time or Another:
1. Brittly
2. Sugar
3. Brita
4. Breet (that one's Spanish)
(I've always wanted a better nickname, but it's never worked out so well since my name is kind of a nickname.)

Four Professions I Secretly Want to Try:
1. National Geographic photographer or photojournalist
2. Orphanage worker in Latin/South America or the next Mother Teresa
3. Singer/songwriter
4. Surfer, ski bum, or hot scuba instructor
(So hard to choose just 4!)

Four Musicians I'd Most Want to Go on a Date With:
(okay, celebs, since I don't know offhand a lot of Musicians I'd like to date)
1. Tom Welling. Actually, I have no idea what Tom Welling is like in person, but I am positively fixated with Clark Kent in Smallville.
2. Chris Martin of Coldplay. Move over, Gwyneth! And he better sing me "Yellow" and swear it was written solely for me.
3. James McAvoy. Mr. Tumnus the faun in Narnia, you know. Maybe it's the goat thing.
4. Steve Irwin. I know he's deceased and all, but he was so fabulous.

Four Things I'd Rather Throw than Eat:
1. Mushrooms. (This could be quite comical, actually! Picture (with slight caveman accent): "Us hicks no like strangers in here parts. Pelt! Pelt strangers with mushrooms!")
2. Peanut butter. I'm sure you could make some kind of artwork while you're at it, of Japanese ink blot fashion.
3. Water balloons. (hehehe...)
4. Spam. (It kind of catches the breath in my throat even as I type it.)

Four Things I Like to Sniff:
1. My sweetie. Find a boy you really like, and even when he's sweaty and nasty, he'll still smell good to you.
2. Incense
3. Raining
4. My puppy. She has her own particular scent that is lovely and home to me.

Four People I'd Like to Tag:
1. You
2. you
3. you
4. and you

and then some other days i don't feel like being a vegetarian. maybe i'll do a research paper for class on it. i guess you don't have to completely dive in.

although i do kinda wish i was diving into a pool of chocolate right now... ...did i just say that aloud?

Oh, that infamous, nearly unanswerable question--"So, what's new with you?"

Even though I just spent the evening with my parents and my Dad asked me this, I didn't give him the straight answer. Not on purpose, but just because the vast majority of us have that programmed response, "Oh, nothing much. School is busy."

But I think there are some new things in the life of Britt.

I had a fun Labor Day, helping prepare and eat Chicken Curry, potato cakes, and hummus at Shawn's dad's with his family. His sister even said, "Look! You fit in perfectly!" I won't go into the details of what I think about how I fit in with them, but I digress.

Almost humorously, I thought that Labor Day would be the last day in my life to eat meat. I've been playing for quite a while with the idea of becoming vegetarian (vegan, in fact), and this week I've started to take it to the next level. But the problem is all these food committments. And tomorrow I go to some old family friends' house for probably burgers (yuck!). But I have a hard time telling people. Usually because I think they'll judge me. As, oh, LOONY. But it's not loony to me. It makes sense in my head. And while I don't have the energy to type up all the whys of why vegetarianism/veganism appeals so much, I know I do it out of a sense of compassion. I think I'll actually be healthier thinking more carefully about getting balanced meals. Maybe I won't be able to make the change all at once, but I guess a journey of 1,000 miles begins with a step.

Ever the rebel, I'm thinking of taking a short course in naughty terms in American Sign Language. No, it's not really because I'm a rebel (although I positively am dreaming at this very moment of getting my nose pierced). But it's necessary to know those words if you work in education. This way I can shock the kids who try out all the "new words" they learn.

Wow, there are a lot of other things I won't go into detail about: how I have an interview scheduled with Big Brothers, Big Sisters (I hope I'm not biting off more than I can chew), how I cooked fantastic spaghetti with sauteed veggies tonight and felt quite the accomplished cook, how I spent a day this weekend having a blast with just myself (I went to Pet Warehouse to look at all the animals, then grabbed sushi from the grocery store and ate it in Starbucks. Then I read for a while and wrote for a little bit. It was all a blast!), how the little girl in me would love to start taking horsebackriding lessons again, how I've started writing every day...

There's so much to life. Even in the shadows, it's ever beautiful.

i want to be deliciously eccentric. that is all.

and when i'm old, i want to be the woman Evie in the movie "Driving Lessons."

Life, it's so mysteriously funny. Like watching a strange girl in the street laughing, but never knowing exactly what elicits these laughs from her.

Today and yesterday I was in a plain old miserably crabby mood. A lot of it had to do with the questions I've been having. Sometimes I just can't get the questions out of my mind and it stresses me, tainting my life for the worst. I want to develop beyond this. I know I am capable of living beyond this. But, see, this is one thing I can't reconcile is I feel like I've spent so much of my life just trying to change myself. Right now, today, I want to take the deepest breath, let go, and be who I am. Not someone else I think is better than me. I want to believe that I'm fabulous, wonderful, and amazing in so many ways by just being me. And I'm getting there.

But today turned around. I'm pretty sure it happened when Shawn came over. That is really saying something to admit that someone can pull you out of a complete bitchy funk, but he did. He must be magic.

I read in my psychology book (Exploring Psychology) several interesting tidbits. One was that people who regularly attend a religious service live longer, on average, than those who don't. This may be due to several factors, like having a strong community support, a lifestyle that does not involve as much smoking and drinking, and a lesser level of stress due to faith that a higher power is taking care of problems. It also said that people who meditate or practice concentrated prayer live longer. I can personally believe this. Whenever I meditate, I just feel healthier, calmer, and more at peace. All this talk has made me believe that I need to work on dealing more healthily with the stress in my life. Like meditating every day. Exercising regularly. Depending on people when I honestly need them. Appreciating the simple things in life.

i need to take a step back. i need to enjoy the simple things in life once again. i have this longing for simplicity, yet it is almost cruelly out of reach...

any ideas?

i feel so undefinable tonight, like a stray mark colored outside the lines.

if perfect love drives out fear, what happens when love was never perfect from the beginning? what about it that perfect does not exist?

Devirginization of the Hookah

Tonight was the rather infamous night that I gave the old hookah (bought in Granada, Spain) her first firing-up. And girl, was it wonderful! It was far more intense than any previous hookah-ing, the "real deal" if you will. ^^ I definitely felt this one. Maybe it was because I'd had previous practice. ; ) (Cigars + Venice, yikes!) I will definitely have to bring the old girl with me when I come to visit so that all you Texans can experience her wonders. Wish you could've been there. My friend Rob, whom you probably remember for his, ahem, experience with these things, helped us figure out how to get her loaded up and such, complete with the vase full of apple juice instead of water, and the top full of apple tobacco, mmm. It was such a good night, so simple and full of laughter. Especially since beforehand we went to my favorite little posh bar that has the funky-cool atmosphere, with sofas and colored lights. It was quite the fun Thursday evening, definitely just the ticket after a long first week of classes.

I'm back.

In black.

Or rather the adorable black dress I bought today.

Europe was fantastic!! More to come. Let's suffice to say that it was a wonderful summer of discovery and personal growth. i hope to keep that personal growth going over the year. Why is it so hard to grow during school? Maybe it's because school shellshocks you.

It is really lovely being home, too. I rather began to miss it. ;)

Just like I miss you!

And p.s., for the person who thought I wrote the poem in the previous post, I am quite flattered, but Kim Addonizio is actually an internationally (?) acclaimed poet! I wish I could write like her! Maybe some day...

one of my favorite poems

First Poem For You
by Kim Addonizio

I like to touch your tattoos in complete
darkness, when I can’t see them. I’m sure of
where they are, know by heart the neat
lines of lightning pulsing just above
your nipple, can find, as if by instinct, the blue
swirls of water on your shoulder where a serpent
twists, facing a dragon. When I pull you
to me, taking you until we’re spent
and quiet on the sheets, I love to kiss
the pictures in your skin. They’ll last until
you’re seared to ashes; whatever persists
or turns to pain between us, they will still
be there. Such permanence is terrifying.
So I touch them in the dark; but touch them, trying.

just a little note to say i´m alive and loving and singing and wondering and life is good.

p.s. sleep is the miracle drug.

there is one person who can, from a state of pure bliss, reduce me to tears.

it´s not the person i want it to be.




i don´t know what to do with this kind of information.

other than that, life is idyllic.

United Methodist Women

Today at a church I visited they had posted something on that large white screen up front. You know, the one we've all grown to know and love.

"You are invited to a program on Gang Awareness. The United Methodist Women will have refreshments available at 6:30."

I mean, goodness forbid that just any old women should provide refreshments after a Gang Awareness program! We better leave this one to the pros. If you have ANY concerns about the quality of your food, you can rest assured that it has been lovingly and sanitarily prepared by none other than the United Methodist Women.

I will sleep easy tonight. : )


*Cara, please don't take this as a sign of disrespect toward United Methodists--to the contrary, I thought it was adorable!

A Fart Story 2, and Other Miscellany

First of all, my money is on J.K. Rowling revealing that she will be releasing a book of a new series after the final Harry Potter is released. She's had that book written for what, a year? I doubt she's spent the time just sitting there, twiddling her thumbs and being a mom. Not that a girl does much sitting and twiddling of one's thumbs when one is a mom.

Speaking of being a mom, I dreamed I was pregnant the other night. Something has been happening around town with, oh, I don't know, babies being EVERYWHERE. No joke. And you thought rabbits were prolific. I can barely step out the door without practically plowing some sunflower dress-clad blonde thing down. They dash across the street. Women everywhere are wheeling them in enormous strollers. A dad walks outside of his house with one screaming while Shawn and I are walking by, minding our own baby-free business. And yet I stare at that baby, mid-scream, and remark, "Wow, she is absolutely beautiful," and then proceed to turn into a large pinky pile of mush.

In fact, my second in the trilogy of Fart Stories includes a kid. Let's call her Tiffany. I had just spent however long babysitting Tiffany and her younger brother. Tiffany was maybe 3 at the time. Mind you, whenever put within the general vicinity of a child, I am compelled to play a certain game with them. This game is entitled "Whoopsie Daisy." It involves me standing there, bent over and holding the child's legs while she kind of sits. I'm basically a ginormous human swing, if you get the picture. I proceed to follow my swingish duties, counting and swinging at the same time: "A one-ey and a two-ey and a three-ey and a WHOOOOOOPS-IE DAISY!!" With the WHOOOOOOPS-IE DAISY!! I give the child an extra large arching throw up into the air, during which the child generally shrieks with glee.

Well, Tiffany and I had been playing this game right before her parents arrived back at home. They came in with another couple, and they all proceed to collapse into the L-shaped couch, aka Stadium Seating. Tiffany immediately insists that we show Mommy and Daddy the new game. So I take her in my hands and start to play. I count,

"A one-ey and a two-ey and a three-ey and a PFFFFFFFFFT!!!!WHOOOOOOPS-IE DAISY!!" The room is left in complete silence for one agonizing moment as my face begins to burn, yea, blister due to the shade of red it is turning. Then Tiffany's dad says,

"Tiffany, what do you say?" Tiffany looks around the room confusedly for a moment, and then in the sweetest voice I've ever heard, says,

"'Scuse me."

a night for love poems

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings

Late Night Confession

I am in love.

With Hinder.


I love the lead-singer's smoker's voice.

I love the lyrics that, while brutally savage at times, are so real and true to human emotions.

In ways I don't understand, I have this emotional connection with their music, especially their songs "Better Than Me" and "Lips of an Angel."


Salvador, step aside, at least just for a little while while I positively feel to the essence of my being "Better Than Me."

Once in a blue moon, there are some questions that just render themselves unanswerable. I happened to encounter one such question this weekend in Memphis for my cousin's wedding.

Having arrived a day early to enjoy ourselves, my parents, Shawn, and I went downtown to enjoy dinner, sitesee, walk out the impending blood clots in our legs from prolonged car riding, etc.

The happenin' street in downtown Memphis is dubbed "Beale Street." It's kind of your typical area of nightlife with a rock n roll flair. (That's what Memphis is about, after all.) We get to the end of this street and there before our very eyes stands a vast group of people with blood-spattered clothes, grotesquely dark eye makeup, and even a pregnant lady with what looks like the traces entrails hanging off of her belly. My dad walks over to two of these young men and asks what everyone is doing. Instead of gracing us with an, oh, human response, they immediately hunch down, arms trailing toward the ground, and begin moaning. Dad just laughs goodheartedly and we move on to find dinner. We eventually overhear talk that it is a zombie invasion.

While in the restaurant we settle into (also located on Beale Street), we inform the waitress of said interesting happenings. With a look of genuine innocence, she exclaims,

"Oh, do you think they're real?"

I need to get it through my head once and for all to never, ever allow what a guy (or anyone!) does or says or thinks to determine how I feel about myself.

Others can certainly offer valuable advice and input, but they should never determine your sense self-worth.

I think I've been allowing that to happen for quite a while; this whole business of being too worried about what others think.

Today I'm going to try and be myself through and through, even if it means being a little more rough around the edges. At least it will be genuine and compassionate, not watered-down and overly conformative.

P.S. Tomorrow, a haircut! As much as I've enjoyed doing the shag-dog version of a sixth grade boy... ; )

And speaking of sixth grade boys, am I the only one over 20 who can't help laughing hysterically over the sheer mention of the passage of gas? : /

True story:

(*Standing in a crowded, immobile high school hallway after lunch. The air is heavy and humid from the swarms of bodies pressing in from every side. Britt farts. Not the usual innocuously silent fart. The Secret Weapon. It seems the body whips this one out during "that time." This thing could poison a prison full of cockroaches. After an atomic bomb had finished everything else off.)

Leslie: "Oh man, somebody farted."

Britt: "Yeah."

Leslie: (turning a shade of green, the apparent effects of aforementioned poisoning) "Man, it's killing me."

Britt: "Yeah, uh, that's hORrible."

Martha's Interview Questions

1. no holds barred... tell me about your dream life. GO!

Dream life now or later? Wildest fantasy dream life or more practical? I guess all of my dream worlds have a few things in common: I would be with the person of my dreams (which is a whole 'nother post or fifteen, but a quick list of traits would be: deeply compassionate, beliefs complement mine, giving, a continual burden to make a positive impact in the world, funny...), be a deaf educator, working and volunteering to make a positive difference in the world. Ideally we would be doing this someplace warm, if not tropical. And by the beach. And we could learn to surf and scuba dive. We would travel often to places all over the globe, sometimes for humanitarian goals, other times just for enjoyment. We might have kids (I haven't decided about this yet). If we had kids, we might have 4, 2 of whom would be adopted and Deaf. And I guess that is my fantasy dream life, and I don't think it's too impossible to say it might happen. : )


2. if you could author the biography of anyone (alive or dead; famous or not), who would it be and why?

Heehee, my first response was Harry Potter. I wish I could write like J.K. Rowling. Not to mention have her royalties... She is so creative. It is so hard to write an "easy read." I would love to be able to tap into the imagination like that.


3. if you could have been born a child prodigy... what would you want your remarkable gift/talent to be?

Hm, I don't have a clear answer on this. Perhaps just connecting with people. I kinda wish I had been born a person who is lively, vivaceous, talkative, hilariously entertaining, etc. Not that I don't have measures of these qualities. But I think I'd rather have amazing people skills rather than fame and/or fortune.


4. if someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you want to play you? why?

Nicole Kidman and Gwyneth Paltrow run pretty close. I think Nicole Kidman might be able to capture my emotional side a little bit better than Gwyneth, but then again, Gwyneth did do a great job in an emotional role in Proof, so it's a hard choice.


5. what is the greatest gift you've ever been given? what's the greatest gift you've ever given to someone else?

Probably my sense of compassion. Who gives you that gift? God? Your parents? You? Without my sense of compassion and empathy for others, I would like to think I'd feel very adrift. In fact, if I had to choose between having amazing people skills or a quietly intense sense of compassion, I'd choose compassion any day.

The greatest gift I've ever given to someone is time. People spend time on the people and things that are most important to them, and never think that people don't realize it if you don't spend time with them.

Interesting article:

Laughter not necessarily the best medicine, professor says
Hot Topic - Expert Source

Date: May 16, 2007
Contact: Dr. Timothy Bender
(417) 836-4129

SPRINGFIELD — A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender, “I’d like two drinks: one for me, and one for the road.”
Feel better?

In recent years, many people have claimed that laughing – even at groan-inducing jokes like this one – can boost your immune system. However, according to Dr. Timothy Bender, psychology professor at Missouri State University, the health benefits of humor have yet to be proven in a scientifically-sound study.

“Most of the research on the physical healing effects of laughter has not been very good research, and the research that has been good has come up with inconsistent results,” Bender says. “Humor is a form of communication, which requires a sender and a receiver. If the receiver takes the humor wrong, it might not necessarily be solving problems, it might actually be introducing more problems. We need more research on how we socially respond to humor, what the social factors are that influence our response to humorous situations.”

Whether it’s actually helpful or not, having a jovial disposition can’t hurt, says Bender, a self-proclaimed “pun-ophile” and the professor of an upcoming summer course on the psychology of humor. “Laughter has some effect on pain relief, for a short period of time. Now, whether that’s due to the laughter or the humor of the situation or due to something else – distraction or some other factor – is still being debated.”

The study of the psychology of humor is relatively new, says Bender, which could explain why some of the research is not taken seriously (pardon the pun) by the academic community. Psychology of humor is an offshoot of “positive psychology,” an area of study that has only surfaced in the last couple of decades.

“With positive psychology, you look at what people are doing right, instead of looking at the problems people have, the abnormalities and the disorders,” says Bender. “What are people who are getting along really well doing that might be the reason they’re getting along so well? One aspect of that is looking at humor and seeing what type of humor a successful person has, as well as what effects humor might have in the workplace, in teaching and in therapy.”

Bender explains that researchers in positive psychology examine everything from why we laugh when we’re tickled (a sign of submission, studies suggest) to why laughter is contagious (specifically-functioned “mirror neurons” activate when someone else laughs, giving us the urge to do the same).

While laughter may not help us live longer or healthier, studying people who laugh will afford scientists a unique insight into the human psyche.

“I think the best thing that’s going to come out of any of the research in laughter is not so much how we can use laughter to get things done, but how laughter can tell us something about people,” says Bender. “Laughter is a means for finding out about how healthy a person is mentally and what level of well-being they have at the moment. It’s a good measure of personality.”

Source

Okay, I must have the willpower of a ladybug, because I'm posting instead of studying. : /

But there is so much change happening. Since when does life change so fast?! So and so's engaged (I'm pretty sure the count FOR THIS WEEK is 2-3ish), and that person's graduating, and he's moving, and...

Sometimes I just want to stop time. To enjoy just a few more moments of the way things are right now. But now's already going.

Yet some of it is so beautiful. Like when you have good anticipations about going somewhere new. Or meeting someone.

Other times I wish I had a chrystal ball and could see what would happen if I chose options A, B, or C. So many of these very permanent decisions we're all making at such young ages make me get this way. Like decisions about the M-word (ma--iage).

Yet some of those seemingly "permanent" decisions might not be so permanent as one might think, and in most cases it would be very hard to choose an option that would absolutely devastate your life. Or even make it half bad. In fact, things might work out really great, regardless of what option you chose. I guess that's part of growing up--learning to deal with uncertainties and change. In fact, learning to live with them daily. And the best you make of them is all up to you.

Facebook Confession

Earlier this evening I was looking through someone's facebook pictures. They have been a distant (yet strangely close) part of my life for a very long time. I think I grew jealous and started getting even a little depressed as I was looking through those pictures, seeing what a good time this person was having, yet all at the same time I was happy that they looked happy. Then, for some reason, I started looking through my own pictures. As it turned out, it looked like I was having just as much fun, if not more, than the people I was getting jealous about!

Isn't our humanity such a funny thing? How we get jealous over the highlights of others' lives meanwhile failing to be content and even being blind to the joy positively engulfing us?!

Tonight I feel happy. In fact, even though today has been up and down, it has been a healthy up and down. And there are just so many things to be happy and joyous and content about. : )

And I don't know where I'm going tomorrow, but I'd like to go there smiling.

Old

What happens when you get old, according to preschoolers.

This has been on my mind lately:

http://hubel.sfasu.edu/courseinfo/articles/fetal_tests.htm

What do you think about abortion?

I think it would be cool to, in addition to being a parent-infant advisor (someone who informs new parents of deaf children of all the parents' options and teaches parents how to teach their kids), to be someone who counsels potential abortion patients, particularly those carrying deaf fetuses (I would counsel them to keep their baby, of course).

Wow, that sounds so specialized, but it's something that really interests me.

Gosh, I'm really starting to love that boy. :)

Tonight Miranda, Jess, and I went over unexpectedly to some neighbors' house. We had never met them before, but they just came over and invited us, so we thought why not? At first it was slightly awkward after everyone had asked the general questions of name, major, and hometown. But we discovered that they have a ginormous tv. No, not Enormous. GINORMOUS! This tv might not have been nearly as spectacular if it had not had the capability of playing not one, but THREE KARAOKE CDS. Oh yes. So, for the first time in my young life, I sung karaoke in front of complete strangers. The karaoke was quite amusing and now I am quite hooked.

And the offer now stands that if you ever have need of a karaoke companion, I'm your girl.

Anecdote of the week that will make your heart gush.

So my sign language class had a "silent night" at a local, ahem, venue Friday night. A silent night is when everyone doesn't use their voices, but communicate in sign language the whole night.

One of my friends, Marianne, brings her boyfriend, who doesn't know much sign language ( he's not a part of the class). As we all are discussing name signs (people of the Deaf community have a special sign signifying their name so that they don't have to fingerspell it every time), the issue came up that Marianne does not have a name sign. Her boyfriend immediately makes the sign for beautiful but with an "M" and says, "I keep telling Marianne this should be her name sign."

Dance of 1000 Hands

This is quite possibly the coolest thing I have seen. In the world.

Just as a disclaimer for what is said below, I also want to note that I DON'T find it extraordinary that deaf people did this. I think deaf people, just like hearing people, can do absolutely anything they set their mind to do! In fact, in a lot of cases I think the deaf are even more perceptive of the visual arts than hearing people. I AM very impressed that these artists obviously put so much work into an astoundingly intricate performance.

This was sent to me in an email:

Dance of 1000 Hands

Read the paragraph below FIRST before you watch the video website.

There is an awesome dance, called the Thousand-Hand Guanyin, which is making the rounds across the net. Considering the tight coordination required, their accomplishment is nothing short of amazing, even if they were not all deaf. Yes, you read correctly. All 21 of the dancers are completely deaf. Relying only on signals from trainers at the four corners of the stage, these extraordinary dancers deliver a visual spectacle that is at once intricate and stirring.

Its first major international debut was in Athens at the closing ceremonies for the 2004 Paralympics. But it had long been in the repertoire of the Chinese Disabled People's Performing Art Troupe and had traveled to more than 40 countries.

Its lead dancer is 29 year old Tai Lihua, who has a BA from the Hubei Fine Arts Institute. The video was recorded in Beijing during the Spring Festival of 2005.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4478632727623323561

What kind of old person do you want to be?

I want to still wear heels.

I want to be incredibly sweet, cramming as many homemade cookies into innocent bystanders' hands and mouths as possible.

To wear dramatic colors like turquoise and magenta with equally dramatic (yet still classy) jewelry.

To own one very large and sassy (if not fleabitten) parrot who will be almost as old as I am. I will will it to the child who hates it the most and it will live in their care far longer than any parrot is expected to live.

To have lots of nooks and crannies in my house stuffed with crazy, unusual, and alluring trinkets collected from overseas travels.

Photographs in odd and curious frames will be posted in unsuspected spots--this one will be of my kids when I took them to the Brazilian rainforest on an ecotour. That one is of my god-daughter having a tea party with stuffed animals. And the one over there in the sunroom, yes, that's ________'s portrait when he was younger. I painted it when I was about your age. Wasn't he handsome? Still is. (*blushes a little*)

I want to be confident, and sweet with a little spice. One of those old people who lets a few slightly colorful stories slip every now and then that make the grandchildren feel like they're finally "old enough" for once.

I also want to be one of the most compassionate people who someone has ever met. I'm not there yet, but I'd like to never have to tell my own tales, to be a woman whose deeds speak for her. A woman of virtue whose legacy of compassion is her greatest gift.

Life, the Universe, and Everything.

After recommending writing prompts to several people, I felt that it is a bit hypocritical to not follow up with a good post.

One of the things I've been learing lately is that life has few formulas. I'm not sure I believe that there is one answer that will solve everybody's problems (although I'd desperately love to know if there was an answer like that). Or if there is an answer, what if it's something like "42" that leaves one exactly where she started? Maybe that is a fear of mine, that I will analyze my way laboriously through life only to find that I should have just taken it easy, gone with the flow, and not thought too much.

But I do think. That's a profound part of who I am.

One of the things (besides formulas or lack thereof) that I have been thinking of lately is that I would like to make more of a positive change in the world. Making a dent on world hunger or providing scholarships to third world children come to mind. Yet I'm not sure where to start. Anyone have any ideas? I feel like quite the idealist but with no practical know-how to turn dreams into reality.

That's another thing. I feel like I sometimes live more in a world of fantasy than reality. I love and embrace the pure qualities in people. I believe in soulmates. I have huge dreams of adopting a deaf child and building schools for the deaf in places where they have few or none and establishing a foundation to provide scholarships to deaf children all over the world who can't pay for their schooling. But I have no idea how to make these dreams a reality. And sometimes when I put my feet on the ground for just a while, I start to feel vulnerable. Sometimes I feel small and weak, and maybe quite lonely. I really do miss my friends in Ft. Worth. I feel like there's next to nobody here that I can lean on quite like those friends there.

But despite all that, I've been happy overall. Happier, perhaps, than I have been in years. I think a large part of it has to do with being more aware of my need for 8 hours of sleep a night. Also, I think being surrounded by family helps. Sometimes having a boyfriend helps. Here's where I don't think there are concrete formulas. Maybe if you try a bunch of things, a few of them are bound to bleed over and do some good.

It seems like sometimes when you are on the brink of having all those answers, new questions arise or old questions reappear. Even though I'm just short of ecstatic that I am doing Deaf Ed., this week the thought hit me: I kind of wish I was doing something exotic. (I've wanted to be 'exotic' for a while, and have even contemplated moving to New Zealand, if only because I love their accents.) Like zoology. My passion as a child was animals. (I now remember that it was also playing school.) What would it entail to get a degree in zoology? More school and science courses than I am probably willing to cram down my throat.

I've had a few questions about love, too. Like when should you know it's the one? Here is where I feel formulas fall short. Yet I'm not sure how one ever comes to that answer. I've had about enough advice on this to last a lifetime, maybe three.

I also feel like there's a part of me that is not fully developed (does that make me unable to even try to imagine the person I'll end up with?). It's almost like I'm missing a piece of myself. Is it because I've been having issues with religion? I feel a little more shallow than I once did. I still greatly admire people of high morals, especially those who combine them with attitudes of tolerance, compassion, and open-mindedness. I want to change. I want to be described in those words. I just don't feel like I'm there today, and that bothers me. Maybe that's the crux of the issue with all these questions is I do not have the answers today, and tomorrow's not looking good either.

I guess sometimes we just have to learn to be content, maybe through a vast, extended period of life, with just knowing that we don't yet know. That life will never be perfect. It will have its ups and downs, but just because there are downs once in a while doesn't mean it's all wrong. And once in a while, you have to appease yourself by saying it's all gonna be okay, even if you're not sure it will.

This would be the coolest pet e v e r.

Aside from Lexie, Sofia, and Jack, of course. :)

in a moment of angst, she compares politics to card games.

i wish i could meet the most unbiased yet informed being in the world. [or universe]



politics. blarg. they are like some elaborate card game in which [hopefully] you know the rules well. yet you can't control the hand you're dealt. and you don't know the hand everyone else has been dealt. and you may act on your best insticts, with the biggest heart, yet it all may be futile. you will never know everything that goes on behind the scenes. and you will never know for sure if a move was the right move until the game is all over. but here's the deal:

the game never ends.





i'm so glad i'm majoring in deaf education and not poly sci.

What do you look for in the guy you'll marry?

Who do you expect to be for him?

Do you believe in love at first sight, an instant connection, or that love grows with time?

Dear God,

Am I dramatic? Or just emotionally invested? Spoiled? Expectations too great? Or none of the above? And whatever I am, is it negative?

Love,

B

Cool Accento

Ok, so I'm the self-proclaimed nerd of the century, but I thought this site was crazy cool, if not hilarious. It contains various recordings of people with all kinds of different accents saying the same paragraph. I personally enjoyed the Moroccan man entry. May I also note that it is quite sad that I thoroughly enjoyed reading the phonetic transcription on the right side. Enjoy.

Just go here.

Hope everyone had a fabulous Easter/break off school/whatever you do in early April. I know I had enough fantastic food to last me a week. And I mean not eating for a week straight. But if I did that, then those amazing leftovers would go to waste, and I'm not sure what crime that qualifies for, but I'm pretty sure you'd serve at least 6 months if you wasted food that good.

Hope everyone had a wonderful day full of meaning and closeness with those you love, regardless of your beliefs. I don't know if this Easter was very meaningful to me in a religious sense, but it was incredibly meaningful in a personal way. I feel so lucky to be near to so many people who words just can't describe their inner beauty.

I feel so lucky to be close to you.

Attack of the Pterodactyl

So it's quiet in the night and I am studying by lamplight (no, not really, I just said that for effect) and I hear this horrible noise directly behind me. You know, the kind that immediately makes you arch your back, jump out of the chair, and scream at the top of your lungs, all in .239 second. Apparently somebody let a young pteradactyl in the house, and seeing as how they are friendly creatures, it decided to follow me into my room. A person of ADD mind processes at times (or maybe just apathy, laziness if you will), I settle back into studying after swift cardio shock treatment for the heart attack I just experienced. The bird dive bombs my head! I shriek in terror once, twice, multiple times as it literally CHASES ME AROUND THE ROOM. Being the sensitive, caring soul that I am, I immediately reach for my slipper but then remember my New Year's resolution to have kind intentions toward all things living. Actually, I just didn't want to get fly juice on my wall. Okay, okay, and I just can't stand killing stuff. So, summoning up my metaphysical psychic powers, I close my eyes and will it to FLY TOWARD ME. Just as I wonder if it would actually work, the green beast is RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE! Elliciting, a final shriek, I run out the door. The bugger actually follows me into the hall. In a fit of desperation, I madly dash back into my room and slam the door.

Bug situation solved.

When Statistics Leave One Speechless

My good friend Kara Martin originally posted this, and I felt like it couldn't just stop with me.

****
I don't know what your views are, and my goal in presenting this information is not to sway you...it's just that I had thought myself to be a relatively informed citizen, but when these stats were brought up in my service learning class, pretty much everyone in the class was floored, and I feel compelled to pass the information on. On the news, you hear numbers thrown around so much that I think we become numb to them and millions and billions and trillions lose their meaning with us...this should put things back in perspective a little.

American taxpayers spend $195 million each day to fund the war in Iraq. For the amount we pay for ONE DAY of war, we could...

INTERNATIONAL FRONT:
- vaccinate 3/4 of the children in Africa for measles and give millions
lifetime protection from the disease.
- feed all of the starving children in the world today almost four and a half
times over
- build 5,571 AIDS clinics in Africa
- provide 650,000 women in Africa living with HIV/AIDS antiretroviral
treatment for one year
- provide 1/3 of the aid needed for earthquake relief for the four million
people affected in South Asia.
- is equivalent to half of the GDP of East Timor.

DOMESTIC:
EDUCATION
- cover the full cost of attendance for one year at a public college for more
than 17,100 students.
- enroll 27,000 more children in Head Start
- employ 4,269 elementary school teachers or 4,027 secondary school
teachers for one year.

HEALTH CARE
- provide health insurance coverage to 344,500 working Americans
- immunize every person over 65 in the U.S. against influenza 4.6 times
over.
- One day in Iraq could immunize every baby born in the U.S. last year
against measles, mumps, and rubella 14.2 times.

LABOR
- provide unemployment benefits for almost 722,000 unemployed
Americans for one week.
- fund Social Security retirement benefits for one day for over 6.75 million
Americans.
- pay for an increase of $3.34 per hour in the wages of every minimum
wage worker in the country.

So on a global spending scale, just how much money goes where?

GLOBAL PRIORITY $U.S. BILLIONS
Cosmetics in the United States: $8 billion
Ice cream in Europe: $11 billion
Perfumes in Europe and the United States: $12 billion
Pet foods in Europe and the United States: $17 billion
Business entertainment in Japan: $35 billion
Cigarettes in Europe: $50 billion
Alcoholic drinks in Europe: $105 billion
Narcotics drugs in the world: $400 billion
WORLD MILITARY SPENDING: $780 billion
And compare that to what was estimated access to basic social
services in all as additional costs to achieve universal developing
countries:
Basic education for all: $6 billion
Water and sanitation for all: $9 billion
Reproductive health for all women: $12 billion
Basic health and nutrition: $13 billion

...all information above comes from a lecture given by economist
Dr. Nancy Farmer, to properly cite my source. GREAT professor.

Well anyway, I just thought that should share that. Makes you think, huh? Well, I hope it does anyway.
****

This makes me want to get off my lazy butt and do something for the world. ~B

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Wow. It's amazing how a week off school can make a girl feel like herself again.

I've found myself actually giggling to myself during the day when just the slightestly funny things happen. I've been more outgoing in the past, oh, two days than I usually am in a week. I've felt more confident.

Needless to say, it was so wonderful to just have a break, relax, visit precious friends, spend time with my sweetie...

Life is good. For the moment, life is good.

(Please, world, don't cave in on me.)

Compassion

It was interesting. An old quasi-friend from high school told me today, after I told her that I was having a birthday party with wine and margaritas (she must have thought I was a teetotaler), that she "loves me now." She proceeded to say how in high school I was so quiet and that she didn't think I would do something like that.

It just struck a kind of funny chord in me. I by no means drink to be better liked or accepted by people. In fact, I've kind of found that (to an extent), the more people drink, the less I tend to like them. Granted, I really do love it when friends will come over for a drink or two, and I really look forward to going out with friends for a night on the town. But a few drinks is really where it stops for me. I don't enjoy being around people who have had more than just a few drinks. And I haven't enjoyed myself when I've had more than a few drinks. And although after the events of the past few months I've liked/had more fun with the friends who drink, it's not necessarily because they drink but because they seem more accepting of who I am overall. (Note that you do not have to do what someone does to accept her or him.)

In all, maybe it was just the way this friend worded it, but I didn't really take that as a compliment. I don't want to ever have to earn someone's love.

On a grander note, compassion seems to be a big theme for me lately. Not that I feel that I've mastered it by any means, but it is something that I want to define me. And today I felt this blissful moment in which I felt compassion toward people that I haven't felt in a long time. It felt happier, more understanding, and more at peace with people. It lasted a good part of the day. And it started with trying to feel that way toward myself. I think that often we are the hardest on ourselves, and when we are so harsh on ourselves, it makes it harder and harder to show kind and positive qualities toward others. I'm starting to read a book that talks about this. I am really excited to read more of it. For a while I've felt like I've been a little selfish, but I haven't really known how to change. I guess that change usually happens more easily and permanently when we take baby steps rather than huge leaps (just read the book "One Small Step"). It felt so good today to look to others first and then myself. I think that perhaps the more compassion one has in her life, the more happiness one will also have.

Haha, anyway, this all seems like a little bit of a hodge podge of thoughts, but that's what's been on my mind. It's funny, I want so much to be compassionate, yet I'm not sure I could give you a good definition of it. Here's the one from my computer Oxford American dictionary: sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. Yet to me, compassion has a broader connotation. It conveys not only feeling pity and concern, but actually doing something to change and improve another's suffering. It is selflessness and an "unconditional friendliness" (as Pema Chodron would say) toward oneself and others. "Unconditional friendliness." I like that.

The yield of a caffeinatedly sleepless night:

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/quizpage.php?quizname=070227023737-793913&

This evening I'm listening to "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys. It is such a beautiful, innocent, yet sincere song. With my thoughts especially during this last week, the song makes me think more of friends instead of love. This week I have run the whole gamut of emotions, anywhere from being down, sad, depressed, furious with nearly anyone (even though generally undeserved, but don't worry--it wasn't toward anyone who would be reading this!), ecstatically happy, thankful, mellow...you get the drift. A lot of it might be hormones, but another big part of it is due to my disappointments with people and my social life lately. However, this song, especially after a dear old friend, Helen, and I hung out today, reminded me of those once in a lifetime friends that "God only knows what I'd be without you." It's so wonderful to still have someone who will let me cry to her and hold me and accept me for who I am at this very moment. I guess the biggest part of my misery of the past few days was due to feeling like all of those people were very far away. Cara and Kelly, I have to tell you that God only knows what I'd be without you. It might have taken over a semester for me to figure out how much a girl needs people like that, but I'm so thankful that you've been in my life and that you haven't left even though I've moved. You are truly once in a lifetime friends, and I would rather lose a piece of myself than lose you two. Because if I lost your friendships, I know I would lose a vital part of me. I could never thank you enough for being there, being you, caring, and loving, but I wanted to at least say something to try to express how much I appreciate you.

Thanks also to the friends who maybe haven't been around for long enough to be that close, but your kindness also has been so touching and encouraging. (Martha, you come to mind.) Thank you.

Questions people never think to ask

(I've been kind of into these cheesy questionaires lately, haha)


While driving down the road, and looking for an address, do you turn the radio down?
Yes, if it's not already off. I enjoy having the radio off more than the average person. It helps me be a little bit more still and gives me precious time to think.

Pretend you are a really good cook, what meal would you make?
Whatever was the heart's desire of the person for whom I was cooking.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your closet?
Today it is my sexy royal blue spaghetti strap shirt from Express.

Why?
It is the most amazing color.

If you could quit your job right now, and be anything you wanted, what would it be?
Establishing schools for the deaf in places that have few or none, building a trust fund to provide scholarships to deaf children from families who can't afford to provide them with an education, and perhaps teach deaf kids, too.

What do you think of when you look at the stars?
Love. The stars seem so romantic. Also God.

When you add someone into your cell phone, do you use their real name, or their nickname?
Real name, first and last. I can't tell you how many Jessicas I know, I can't have loose ones floating around.

If you use their real name, do you add their last name?
Yep.

If you could say ONE THING to the president, what would it be?
I don't think I could find a phrase to say to him.

If you could meet ANY president, dead or not, who would it be?
Harry S Truman

Why?
I would want to ask him if he had it all to do over again if he would have dropped the atomic bombs.

If you could get rid of the holiday season, would you?
No.

Why?
It at least promotes the doing of good and helping those in need.

IF you could go to any state, which one would you go to and why?
Today, the seaside among Maines rocky cliffs dotted with white light houses. Nobody needs a why.

Would you ever get a personalized license plate?
Probably not; I'm a little cheap for that.

If yes, would would it say?
Something cool like "vidapoetica." Maybe that's too long for a license plate, but you get the pic.

If you could go back to college, what would you major in?
Deaf Education. Or maybe Sign Language Interpreting.

Before you go to sleep at night, what do you think of?
If I don't fall asleep before I start thinking, I often wonder about God and Christianity and what I really believe. Sometimes it'll be questions like, "Would I marry Shawn?" or "What do I really want to be when I grow up?" I think it's usually intense questions because during the day they sometimes are stifled.

What is your favorite kind of weather?
Sunny days make me happiest, but I do love the occasional warm, rainy day where I can sit on my porch, write poetry, and watch the wet world go by.

Do you find it a bit unnerving doctors call what they do practice?
Never thought of it that way before. No, I think I have more important realities to worry about.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Naked!! (Naked sounds happier.)

Today was a good day. I'm more mellow, less in-your-face. Anyway, just a quick note to say life is good.

A Doormat No More

I'm sick of shit from people. (And I don't often curse. I think it's usually trashy and uncalled-for when people curse often.)

Recently, I read in a book* that people who hold in their emotions are more likely to develop cancer. The author states that most cancer patients are considered by friends and family to be the nicest, sweetest, most easy-going people in the world. In plain terms, it's just plain healthier to let people know what you really think. This knowledge really hit me, because I've always thought of myself and been described by others in those terms. I certainly do not want to get cancer. Granted, I also do not want to morph into a bitch. But it seems that the general verdict is that, in reality, people prefer people with their own ideas, beliefs, and opions to having doormats as friends.

I liked Kelly's post of "What I Am Not," and I think that this would be a good opportunity to share that information.

What I Am Not:

1. A person with nerves of steel. I am thin-skinned. I get my feelings hurt easily. And when that happens, I often distance myself from people.

2. The most devout Christian in the world. In fact, I have skipped Church quite a few times in the past months. To be transparently honest, I just don't know if I believe it's true. I don't renounce it. But I also don't know if I can put my name behind it right now. And I'm utterly sick of the religious police** pestering me with the question, "So did you go to church this Sunday?" or a variation: "Have you found a church you like?" This question makes me uncomfortable even talking with someone. In truth, most of the churches I have been to lately make me want to walk out in the middle of the service. They strike me as extremely close-minded, judgemental, hard-hearted, uncompassionate, and dogmatic. In the words of one particularly infuriating pastor (who I actually walked out on): "We don't want to be like THOSE liberals or THOSE politicians!" How can I honestly give my time and money and connect my name with a church whose main leader says things like that!! And how can I really want to be a Christian, when my closest Christian friends can't even take one morning off of Sunday school to hang out with me, someone having her doubts about the faith?!! (They're apparently too busy to hang out with me the rest of the month.)

3. (In Kelly's words) A teetotaler. I like the occasional drink. Has it turned me into a monster? Last time I checked, I haven't grown a third eye, or sprouted green fur around my midrift, or rampaged the town sleeping with every guy I know (I'm a virgin, in fact, by choice and not chance). Are all my friends sleezebuckets? Aside from the ones who distance themselves from me because I don't hold their beliefs to a T, I would say that that I have some of the most wonderful friends a person could ask for.

4. The most confident person in the world. I may erase this post within hours of posting it for fear of being judged. Why must people so often let ideas unnecessarily distance themselves from each other? (Just watch "V for Vendetta" to see what I mean.) But I feel like all this cannot go unsaid any longer. I'm trying to become more confident, more expressive, more myself--whoever that may be. Isn't that what we're all looking for, in a way? I think a lot of seemingly confident people are just good pretenders.

5. A gay/lesbian hater. If I moved to a country that doesn't accept Christians, or white people, or women, or poets, I would want them to let me do what I wanted to do, even if they thought it was wrong. I would want them to allow me to marry, walk on the streets, buy dresses, and write poetry to my heart's content. Even if only behind locked doors. And I wouldn't drag a victim off the street and force them to write poetry under my watchful eye! Whether I do or do not agree that same-sex marriage is really marriage, I feel I have no right to tell people what to do with their lives. And I do not believe that gays and lesbians are horrible, corruptive people. I do not believe that our society will fall apart by allowing one group of people to live and love as they see fit, as long as they aren't hurting others in the process.

Those are probably the most important aspects of what I am not. I could write frou-frou things like, "I am not a pink-loving girly-girl" or "I am not a sports enthusiast," which are both true, but I'm in too much of an in-your-face mood for that. And, those aren't so much who I am, they're just almost meaningless personal preferences that you probably don't care about anyway.

I feel like for months I've been tiptoeing around, trying to hide certain aspects of my views and personality from people for fear of making waves. I'm done with that. Or at least I am going to try hard to not be like that again. I'd rather have 5 true friends who accept me for who I really am, than 25 acquaintances who I have to walk on eggshells to be close to.




*The book is "Light His Fire" by Ellen Kreidman, a book EVERY woman should read--you can order it from Barnes & Noble for $7.50. There is a male version entitled "Light Her Fire."
**Mom, I know you ask me this question occasionally, and I IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM think that you are the religious police. You ask with the kindest of hearts, not the jump-to-judgement manner of so many people I know.

Tonight I feel exquisitely happy.

There are those rare times that you come to a mutual understanding with the people closest to you; moments of connection.

I wish it could last forever--feeling so close to someone, so understood.

In the famous lines from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:

Clementine: "This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon."
Joel: "I know."
Clementine: "What do we do?"
Joel: "Enjoy it."

Sometimes I think we get so wrapped up in agendas and plans and getting the boxes checked that we forget to just sit back for a moment and enjoy life for what it's worth. Not to say that life is all about happiness. Sometimes we must forego our own happiness for the good of others and/or ourselves. But many times I think that people unnecessarily deprive themselves of simple happiness that can be found in the small moments, such as not letting oneself get excited about something that has the potential to happen. Some people won't let themselves get happy about potentials because they are afraid that their hopes will be crushed. I think it's better to enjoy that moment in time. Your hopes may or may not get crushed. Will it really change things that much to enjoy the happiness before you?

Life's too short to not be as romantic as possible. Life's too short to build concrete boxes for buildings instead of elegant Gaudí architecture. Life's too short to not enjoy as much of it as you can. They really aren't kidding when they tell you to live each day as if it were your last. Of course a little consideration for the future must be taken into account, but if you're not going to worry about it 5 years from now, what's the use worrying about it at all? Ask yourself: Would I do what I'm doing right now for no pay? If not, what would I want to do the rest of my life for absolutely no pay? Why am I not doing it?

There's this great book called "Light His Fire" by Ellen Kreidman. She also writes a book for men called "Light Her Fire." I highly suggest them. Not only to they give you insight into relationships, but they help you better understand yourself.

So why are you waiting to do whatever it is that makes you come alive? As cliché as it may be, today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Threes

Three things that scare me:
having the people I love the most walk away
getting it all wrong about religion and misleading others
walking on drain grates and looking down into the mucky abyss below

Three people who make me laugh:
Shawn
my dad
Jess

Three things I hate the most:
suffering and its causes, especially if unnecessary
people sleeping around (it just makes me furious for some reason--people sell themselves short)
not feeling at peace

Three things I don't understand:
math & science (they're kind of connected)
men
why people kill each other or wish someone else ill

Three things I'm doing right now:
listening to the rain
thinking of previous events
typing this

Three things I want to do before I die:
be as compassionate as possible
adopt a deaf kid
live overseas
work in a job helping people
publish a poem, or at least write one worthy of publication
(I can't pick just 3 things!)
*Let me also take a moment to say that while it is wonderful to have big or little dreams and work toward them, it is also so important to live in the now. I never want my desire for my dreams to steal any of the joy I could experience living today.

Three things I can do:
eat ice cream every night and not get sick of it
comfort people
speak Spanish and do sign language

Three ways to describe my personality:
(hopefully) kind
introverted
resourceful

Three things I can't do:
walk on my hands
scuba dive (I'd love to learn)
the splits

Three things I think you should listen to:
"I will follow you into the dark" by Death Cab for Cutie
"What hurts the most" by Rascall Flatts (this one song converted me to country music!)
"She will be loved" by Maroon 5

Three things you should never listen to:
that derrogatory voice that lives inside us all
people who tell you to go against what you know deep inside to be right
the Mountain Goatherds (at least I think that's their name--I try to forget)

Three things I'd like to learn:
to scuba dive
how to make killer mixed drinks
progress in the things I'm already learning (how to write one mean poem, become fluent in American Sign Language, improve my Spanish, etc.)
okay, four, learn Japanese, French, or Mandarin Chinese

Three favorite foods:
ice cream. (ask Cara and she'll tell you)
black olives
seaweed salad (wakame, I think it's called)

Three beverages I drink regularly:
water. I am, in fact, a camel.
milk
margaritas and Boone's Farm (Boone's Farm being one of the few instances of cheap alcohol being worth one's time)

Three shows I watched as a kid:
Lassie
I Dream of Genie
the Wonder Years
Wishbone