A Doormat No More

I'm sick of shit from people. (And I don't often curse. I think it's usually trashy and uncalled-for when people curse often.)

Recently, I read in a book* that people who hold in their emotions are more likely to develop cancer. The author states that most cancer patients are considered by friends and family to be the nicest, sweetest, most easy-going people in the world. In plain terms, it's just plain healthier to let people know what you really think. This knowledge really hit me, because I've always thought of myself and been described by others in those terms. I certainly do not want to get cancer. Granted, I also do not want to morph into a bitch. But it seems that the general verdict is that, in reality, people prefer people with their own ideas, beliefs, and opions to having doormats as friends.

I liked Kelly's post of "What I Am Not," and I think that this would be a good opportunity to share that information.

What I Am Not:

1. A person with nerves of steel. I am thin-skinned. I get my feelings hurt easily. And when that happens, I often distance myself from people.

2. The most devout Christian in the world. In fact, I have skipped Church quite a few times in the past months. To be transparently honest, I just don't know if I believe it's true. I don't renounce it. But I also don't know if I can put my name behind it right now. And I'm utterly sick of the religious police** pestering me with the question, "So did you go to church this Sunday?" or a variation: "Have you found a church you like?" This question makes me uncomfortable even talking with someone. In truth, most of the churches I have been to lately make me want to walk out in the middle of the service. They strike me as extremely close-minded, judgemental, hard-hearted, uncompassionate, and dogmatic. In the words of one particularly infuriating pastor (who I actually walked out on): "We don't want to be like THOSE liberals or THOSE politicians!" How can I honestly give my time and money and connect my name with a church whose main leader says things like that!! And how can I really want to be a Christian, when my closest Christian friends can't even take one morning off of Sunday school to hang out with me, someone having her doubts about the faith?!! (They're apparently too busy to hang out with me the rest of the month.)

3. (In Kelly's words) A teetotaler. I like the occasional drink. Has it turned me into a monster? Last time I checked, I haven't grown a third eye, or sprouted green fur around my midrift, or rampaged the town sleeping with every guy I know (I'm a virgin, in fact, by choice and not chance). Are all my friends sleezebuckets? Aside from the ones who distance themselves from me because I don't hold their beliefs to a T, I would say that that I have some of the most wonderful friends a person could ask for.

4. The most confident person in the world. I may erase this post within hours of posting it for fear of being judged. Why must people so often let ideas unnecessarily distance themselves from each other? (Just watch "V for Vendetta" to see what I mean.) But I feel like all this cannot go unsaid any longer. I'm trying to become more confident, more expressive, more myself--whoever that may be. Isn't that what we're all looking for, in a way? I think a lot of seemingly confident people are just good pretenders.

5. A gay/lesbian hater. If I moved to a country that doesn't accept Christians, or white people, or women, or poets, I would want them to let me do what I wanted to do, even if they thought it was wrong. I would want them to allow me to marry, walk on the streets, buy dresses, and write poetry to my heart's content. Even if only behind locked doors. And I wouldn't drag a victim off the street and force them to write poetry under my watchful eye! Whether I do or do not agree that same-sex marriage is really marriage, I feel I have no right to tell people what to do with their lives. And I do not believe that gays and lesbians are horrible, corruptive people. I do not believe that our society will fall apart by allowing one group of people to live and love as they see fit, as long as they aren't hurting others in the process.

Those are probably the most important aspects of what I am not. I could write frou-frou things like, "I am not a pink-loving girly-girl" or "I am not a sports enthusiast," which are both true, but I'm in too much of an in-your-face mood for that. And, those aren't so much who I am, they're just almost meaningless personal preferences that you probably don't care about anyway.

I feel like for months I've been tiptoeing around, trying to hide certain aspects of my views and personality from people for fear of making waves. I'm done with that. Or at least I am going to try hard to not be like that again. I'd rather have 5 true friends who accept me for who I really am, than 25 acquaintances who I have to walk on eggshells to be close to.




*The book is "Light His Fire" by Ellen Kreidman, a book EVERY woman should read--you can order it from Barnes & Noble for $7.50. There is a male version entitled "Light Her Fire."
**Mom, I know you ask me this question occasionally, and I IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM think that you are the religious police. You ask with the kindest of hearts, not the jump-to-judgement manner of so many people I know.