Compassion

It was interesting. An old quasi-friend from high school told me today, after I told her that I was having a birthday party with wine and margaritas (she must have thought I was a teetotaler), that she "loves me now." She proceeded to say how in high school I was so quiet and that she didn't think I would do something like that.

It just struck a kind of funny chord in me. I by no means drink to be better liked or accepted by people. In fact, I've kind of found that (to an extent), the more people drink, the less I tend to like them. Granted, I really do love it when friends will come over for a drink or two, and I really look forward to going out with friends for a night on the town. But a few drinks is really where it stops for me. I don't enjoy being around people who have had more than just a few drinks. And I haven't enjoyed myself when I've had more than a few drinks. And although after the events of the past few months I've liked/had more fun with the friends who drink, it's not necessarily because they drink but because they seem more accepting of who I am overall. (Note that you do not have to do what someone does to accept her or him.)

In all, maybe it was just the way this friend worded it, but I didn't really take that as a compliment. I don't want to ever have to earn someone's love.

On a grander note, compassion seems to be a big theme for me lately. Not that I feel that I've mastered it by any means, but it is something that I want to define me. And today I felt this blissful moment in which I felt compassion toward people that I haven't felt in a long time. It felt happier, more understanding, and more at peace with people. It lasted a good part of the day. And it started with trying to feel that way toward myself. I think that often we are the hardest on ourselves, and when we are so harsh on ourselves, it makes it harder and harder to show kind and positive qualities toward others. I'm starting to read a book that talks about this. I am really excited to read more of it. For a while I've felt like I've been a little selfish, but I haven't really known how to change. I guess that change usually happens more easily and permanently when we take baby steps rather than huge leaps (just read the book "One Small Step"). It felt so good today to look to others first and then myself. I think that perhaps the more compassion one has in her life, the more happiness one will also have.

Haha, anyway, this all seems like a little bit of a hodge podge of thoughts, but that's what's been on my mind. It's funny, I want so much to be compassionate, yet I'm not sure I could give you a good definition of it. Here's the one from my computer Oxford American dictionary: sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. Yet to me, compassion has a broader connotation. It conveys not only feeling pity and concern, but actually doing something to change and improve another's suffering. It is selflessness and an "unconditional friendliness" (as Pema Chodron would say) toward oneself and others. "Unconditional friendliness." I like that.