Okay, not gonna lie, I'm a bit bored.  I'm at that stage in the holidays where you mope around in your jammies til 2pm (if you ever change out of them), check your email & facebook, watch tv, go check email and facebook again, repeat...  

But sometimes it's nice to be bored.  To actually live life at an, er, livable pace.  I barely know what to do with myself when I'm not frantically scurrying to finish projects.

However, to fill my time, I've been researching cameras.  My dad got me a camera for Christmas.  I haven't told him this, and tell me if you think this is horrible, but I want to trade it in for an SLR digital camera.  You know, one with all the manual snooty photographer settings.  The one he got me was very nice and generous, but I've been wanting the SLR type for a long time and would love to take a beginning photography course and try my hand at it.  On the other hand, I wonder if this, too, is a phase that will pass and if I'll regret switching the light, nimble Canon Elph for a clunky one pounder.  But just imagine the pics I could take with that beast--I could blow them up and hang them on my wall and maybe even enter them in photography competitions.  That would be awesome.  So my geeking-out tendencies are reaching dangerously high levels, what with all the free time and beautiful technology we all know and lust after.

But the very best part of Christmas, of course, was not all the stuff.  My very favorite part was Shawn telling me what a special Christmas we had made it for him, how it was one of his best Christmases yet.  : )

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone!

Hope you all have a wonderful day and know you are deeply loved and appreciated.

I love the feeling of Christmas; this sense of giving and goodwill to all.  :)

I feel this sense of fullness, happiness, and content.  We have no holes but the ones we fabricate.  Life is worth living.  Deep connections with anyone are still possible and of utmost necessity.  It is misguided beliefs that separate us from others.  Those beliefs start in the mind and must also end in the mind.  This is what will cure society of all its ills and enable us, together, to move on.  We must no longer allow ideas to unnecessarily separate us from others.  When we see the deep goodness shining out of people everywhere, we are One.  We must attune our vision to this shining goodness by quieting our hearts and minds.  Love for all humankind is truly the answer.  

We have no more holes, no more brokenness, if we believe we are whole.

Songs that have "Rocked My World," lol : )

You know those songs that get stuck playing over and over on iTunes? The ones you feel like the sheer weight of life and the atmosphere will immediately crush you if you do not play this song at this very moment? These are my songs:

Beach Boys "God Only Knows"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BC_UILNwWrc

Blue October "Calling You" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsvoTkx1mQY
and "Hates Me"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOziJi-1hHE

Black Kids "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance"
http://www.myspace.com/blackkidsrock (#4)

Bright Eyes "Oh, You Are the Roots"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOziJi-1hHE

Damien Rice "Accidental Babies" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5SZShwyAPk
and "Blower's Daughter"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHPTHP4dihA

Death Cab for Cutie "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" (good video!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNIS0cuDOMw
and "I Will Possess Your Heart" (good video!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq-yP7mb8UE

Hinder "Better Than Me"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mr4VEbt4zSw

Howie Day "Collide (Acoustic Version)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTz7rhommHI

James Blunt "You're Beautiful"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Y7WDWP8WMs

Katy Perry "I Kissed A Girl" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAp9BKosZXs
and "Ur So Gay" (HILARIOUS video!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWbLkXhGEmo

Maroon 5 "She Will Be Loved" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8IQlax-egE
and "Goodnight Goodnight"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5aW0M_Ujmw

Oasis "Wonderwall"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7UnmoTK9bQ

Rascal Flatts "What Hurts the Most" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8iWEktQhg0
and "Fast Cars and Freedom" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDE-MMDCyeA
and "Then I Did"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uqzmj-ncEkc

Switchfoot "Stars
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_Fj7wbc3Zc

We were only seven.  You were a sandy-haired, dimple-faced boy who never lost his smile on that base in North Carolina.  I remember riding with your family to Tennessee, the two of us in the back seat of the minivan.  Your sister glared at us, crammed in the middle seat between suitcases, my mom, and an oversized stuffed bear.  I can't believe we subjected our families to solid hours of laughing, sticking our feet in each others' faces, you joking about taking a piss out the window.  Your dad's face turned red, and Mom swears she saw a little steam shoot out his ears.  

After you moved, the years have been silent between us, but I have wondered about you.  For years I kept that giant, white Michael Bear you gave me with the blue bow tie, until it got lost in a move, or worse, my dad threw it away.  I've always reminisced on what it would be like to meet you again.  Did you drop out of high school?  Become a rock star?  Graduate from Harvard Law School with honors?  Get married?  The absence of your story has intrigued me, haunted me almost.  I've never found anyone who can make me laugh like you did.  I wonder if it's still true.  I wonder where my Michael Bear is.

Britt waxes poetic on Amazon.com

I'm definitely writing Amazon.com book reviews instead of studying for finals.  : p

And may I state that this is only further evidence of my boundless and obsessive love for Amazon.com?  

I mean, Amazon.com would be the perfect guy.  Always available, day or night.  Always delivers precisely what you want.  Committed to your satisfaction.  No strings attached.  You want funny?  He's got it.  You want sympathy?  Got it.  Kinky?  Got that, too (although the downer is the 4-day wait, although even that can be diminished, for a price).  Quick, convenient, always reliable.  He loves you just as much in your jammies as in your finest formal wear.  He doesn't give a shit whether you wear your makeup.  I kind of want to marry Amazon.com.

This blog is a bit too entertaining.  Helicopter noises.  Oh god.  (It's around the third page of previous posts.  Be warned!  Things I never wanted to know about the private lives of men.  : p  )

One book that has made me positively laugh out loud on more than one occasion is Possible Side Effects by Augusten Burroughs.  You know, the guy who wrote Running with Scissors.  I totally want to be friends with him in real life.

Mostly I've been happy lately, trying to enjoy the simple pleasures in life and trying to stay sane amidst finals; a daunting task!  It helps having puppies that love to curl up and sleep in my lap.  : )

Totally puked last night at 3am.  I knew there's a reason why I never eat fungus!  : s  So, don't go and buy fungus just because you read glowing reviews about it on someone's blog.

One of my deaf ed. friends made me pretzel/hershey's kiss/m&m's today as a Christmas treat.  I'm embarrassed to say I've already eaten the whole baggie!  I usually don't eat anything all in one sitting--it is one of my HOLY RULES WHICH ALWAYS MUST BE OBEYED OR THOU SHALT BE SPANKED WITH A WET NOODLE; I don't know what came over me.  Stress makes a girl do weird things.  : s  

Shawn made dinner tonight and after we had finished eating the burritos, he informed me that the ground beef substitute was, in essence, a FUNGUS.  I don't know how something could look and taste that much like ground beef and be 85% fungus.

Lulu is getting spayed Tuesday the 23rd.  I feel really weird about it.  On some level, I feel like it is a waste and that there should be more little Lulus brightening people's lives.  And I worry how she'll hold up.  Chihuahua's don't always do so great with anesthesia.  But I know that spayed dogs generally live longer and healthier lives.  It is probably for the best.  But I feel so weird about it.  

And I really want cats.  Can someone get me a girl Siamese and a boy Maine Coon for Christmas?  If I'm not careful, I'll have a whole friggin' menagerie one day soon.  : )  Did I mention I'd love a parrot?

But life is not about getting all these things.  Although, I will admit I have an overwhelming drive to always improve my life.  Sometimes that energy can be good and brings about positive changes in my life.  But I wonder why I have this obsession with always changing things?  I partially blame Christianity for teaching that we always have to improve ourselves.  These days I strongly believe that people organically grow and change, but that it's unhealthy to think that you're broken or always need changing.  I like to think that what some people consider to be mistakes are really critical lessons along life's path.  Granted, sometimes we need to change.  If someone abuses alcohol or treats people poorly, they should probably work on changing.  But I think most people are generally good-hearted and are "perfect" in and of themselves.  We laugh and we cry and we fight and we sing; we're humanity.  Beautiful, painful, emotion-filled humanity.  There's nothing broken about being you.  

Awesome Poetry

I just discovered James Galvin today, and already I love him.  : )

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/19945

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/16572

Lovely poem by Margaret Atwood

Variation on the Word Sleep

Which side of your brain dominates?

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,2198 5,22556281-661,00.html

I'm right brain dominant, surprise, surprise!

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." ~Confucius

This quote is so empowering to me.  When in college, one often feels that she has so far to go.  Literally thousands of hours spent in white concrete boxes, wondering why you're here.  But it's good to remember there's a purpose behind all this and soon my cage door will be opened and I will be free.  

Looking back on that first step into college, I see that I'm such a different person than I was 4 1/2 years ago.  I'm not so timid, no longer religious, more in tune with myself, more easily able to express myself and my personality, better at making and being friends, infinitely happier.  Even though it has been a rough road with depression, sucky guys, no guys, disillusionment with religion and life, multiple changes in career paths, and pain from leaving dear friends, life has shown me many delights along the way as well.  I've made the most wonderful friends a girl could ask for, met a fabulous guy who has taught me so much, travelled exotic places, embraced my inner artist, let my hair down a little. And, deep inside, I know I'm such a stronger, happier, vibrant person because of it.  College has helped me find me, whoever that may be.

Do We Paint for Process or Product?

This question haunts me today.  I started reading the book "Life, Paint, and Passion:  Reclaiming the Magic of Spontaneous Expression" (by Michele Cassou and Stewart Cubley) today.  I'm also reading "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron.  "The Artist's Way" deals with unblocking one's creativity--a 12 week recovery program to reclaim your creative self.  Both books are fantastic.  In fact, Julia's book made me start wondering yet again if I'd like to go to art school and maybe be an art professor.  But "Life, Paint, and Passion" warns of basing too much emphasis on what others and even oneself think of one's work.  The reader is encouraged to paint spontaneously and intuitively, with no adherence to technique.  If blue feels right, you paint it.  Everyone knows how to paint anything, and if they don't, they invent it, just as children do.  This idea deeply resonates with a wild, bohemian aspect of myself.  To not be tied to society or people or what anyone thinks sounds incredible yet maybe impossible.  And when I was doing art for product rather than for joy of the process, I did get discouraged and burnt out.  

Yet in "The Artist's Way," Julia warns about doing too much too soon, as that is a surefire way to burn yourself out (lesson acknowledged!).  

I wonder if, as with many things in life, the middle road is the most balanced way.  On the one hand, I agree with "Life, Paint, and Passion" that if you've lost the ability to create without borders what is deeply meaningful to you, you've lost everything.  Maybe it isn't really even art

if it doesn't mean something to the artist (what do you think?).  But I don't think it's necessary to completely throw out technique.  Different techniques can only add to the ways you can express yourself through painting.  Sometimes you may feel like painting a raw emotion simply for the pleasure of the process of painting.  But sometimes you also want to accurately document the sweet line of your lover's chin against the moon or the way a tree branch melts into the sky.  

What do you think?  This raises so many questions in my mind.  It would be fascinating to hear what you have to say.  Does one paint for process or product?  

Tonight I painted and it was lovely.  Feeling the brush strokes is enough.  During a painting, I am always anxious that it will turn out horrible.  But when I finish them, I am almost always beyond delighted.  Each and every one of them is a part of me, and something deep is satisfied.  

Perhaps tomorrow I'll post pics of my painting and of a drawing I created of a potential tattoo!

Unglued

Do you ever get the overwhelming urge to change everything about yourself?  To move to Paris and become a photojournalist for a humanitarian newspaper.  Or go to India and complete a year long hobo/spiritual journey around the world.  

To go anywhere but here, a college student dressed in red, doing mindless homework she cares nothing about, dreaming up far-fetched schemes; perhaps to escape the mundane.  Because she's not happy when she's not dreaming.  And she wonders if she'll ever overcome the anxiety that makes her imagination come unglued from her body and float far, far away.  

And her only real wish for Christmas is for a life she doesn't want to change.

I wonder if this isn't what we all desperately wish for?

Funny story--apparently I'm George W. Bush's 9th cousin!  Not sure how to handle that information.  : p  I think I'd prefer to be Obama's 9th cousin.

What should I be when I grow up?

Okay, please excuse my freak-out rant.  

I feel really overwhelmed.  I feel like I need to decide today.  A lot of grad school deadlines are only 2 weeks away, and I'm at the edge of the acceptable time to ask professors to write letters of recommendation.  And I'm not sure what I want to apply for grad school in, if I should get a masters or just take leveling classes before a doctorate, when to apply, aaaaagh!  My head feels like it's about to explode!!!!  Do I do leveling courses first and then apply a year later?  And if I have to apply next fall, will I even have enough leveling classes and research experience to get accepted to the programs I really want to be in?  I also keep vacillating between things I'd like to do.  For instance, I came downstairs to research grad school for clinical psychology, but then I started thinking about Ph.D.s in anthropology, but I feel so unsure about whether I'd actually like those jobs because I've never experienced them.  And will I get to experience them before it's too late?  Like with Deaf Ed, I never worked with Deaf kids til my SENIOR YEAR, and was practically finished with the program before I realized I didn't want to do it anymore.  AAAAGH!

Edit:  Phew, I'm feeling much better now.  Still stressed a bit, but my parents and I talked and decided it would probably be the best plan to take leveling classes next fall and see what I like the best.  Then I can have more time to prepare, and not feel like I'm launching into this vast unknown.  But this time of life can be so exciting and so stressful.  I hope I can downplay the stress and mostly just enjoy uncertainties more than worry over them.

Newest career idea:  clinical psychology.  The whole Ph.D. thing is a bit daunting, but it sounds like a really neat career from what I've read and been told (thanks, Kelly!).  This is still very much in the thinking process, but we'll see what happens.  I would pick the most competitive area of psychology to be interested in, haha.

Art from:  www.art-mind-soul.com/ 003-Yin-Yang.enlarge.html .

Thanks for all the sweet comments on the last post.  I think I was just having one of those weeks where I felt like the world was a bit harsher than usual.  Sometimes I do expect too much from people, too.  I haven't been the best about calling people lately.  Except sometimes people retreat just to see if anyone notices, maybe that's what I was trying to do.  Sometimes a girl just needs to know that people still love her!  : )

Positive news, and I feel like a little girl saying this, but I'm going to start horseback riding lessons next week!  I'm super excited.  I rode off and on as a kid and then as a young teenager, but after a riding accident, I was spooked.  But lately I find myself looking longingly at photos of horses or at horses I see along the road.  So it's official, yay!  I've even run across an old acquaintance who has offered to let me ride her horses with her to help exercise them.  How fun!  I hope so much that it works out.  The photo above is of an Akhal-Teke, my favorite breed of horse at the moment (although I haven't yet ridden one).  Even though this photo doesn't show it, these horses are known for their particularly brilliantly sheeny coats.  They're also thinner than a lot of horses and rival Arabians in their stamina.  They are so beautiful and delicate.  It's funny, when I was looking through one of my old horse books, the Akhal-Teke just called to me.  It was stunning.  When I looked it up online, I found that the person who runs the national breed website lives out here in the middle of nowhere, just two hours away!  I couldn't believe it!  It almost seems like it was fate or something.  Maybe I'll venture out to their farm sometime.  When I was a girl, I always wanted to own a horse.  I still hope someday I can!  

Sometimes I feel like pulling away because I feel like people don't care as much or put as much in as I do.  I know I don't see everything others do, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I want to be a friend who gives people the benefit of the doubt; I would hope to receive the same from a friend, but it's so hard sometimes.

I've been upset about this for so long.

Learning to Stay

While reading a book (by Debra Lynne Katz) today, I realized how often I back away when something even hints at becoming uncomfortable.  I think one of the reasons I barely dated for most of high school and the first part of college was that I immediately saw imperfections in people and translated them as being an uncomfortable situation (I was afraid I would have to break it off, so I just never started it).  But often in life we must go through uncomfortable moments to achieve our ultimate goals.  We have to be the new one in the club or launch out and try something new or simply go through the discomfort of staying with something during the rough parts (relationships, hobbies, spirituality, etc.).  The beauty of a spiritual practice like meditation or visualization is that it teaches you to keep returning to it and to stay, even if it brings up unpleasant feelings.  We must work through these unpleasant times in order to become stronger, indeed, to become our best selves.  What if we faced life knowing that uncomfortable situations will arise, but resolved ourselves to take the bull by the horns and stay with it rather than fleeing?  Imagine what our lives might be like!  Of course, there is a difference between discomfort and knowing a situation should not be part of one's life (this could be a whole post in itself).  But staying instead of leaving when things make you uncomfortable and discovering why this discomfort arises and how it can be resolved, I can see this making us stronger, more self-aware people.

Here's something sweet (thanks, Amy):  

Saint Theresa's Prayer  

May today there be peace within.  

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.  

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.  

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.  

May you be confident knowing you are a child of God. 

Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.  

It is there for each and every one of us.

i like traveling,

and the scent of cinnamon,

bending over out of my way to smell a rose.

i like coffee sparingly

and staring out of windows

while sitting in window seats.

i love sitting on the front porch

watching the rain

smiles that truly mean someone’s happy.

i like a soft wind,

someone playing with my hair,

sweet, little kisses,

and long, passionate ones.

i like New York City’s lights and sounds

and Costa Rica’s lazy mango diesel smell,

hiking through the rainforest,

watching sea turtles lay their eggs at midnight

singing Spanish songs

and laying in hammocks

sipping berry milkshakes.

i love dreaming

i am a biologist in the rainforest

or a world class fashion designer.

i like helping people

and touching their hearts.

i love old photos

and editing pictures i’ve taken, just for art’s sake

i love the idea that i’m a painter

or a writer deep down.

i love looking up at the sky

late at night

or in the middle of the blue day.

i love books about the olden days

when courting was simpler

and people rode around in horse and buggies.

i love people

who call shopping carts buggies.

i’m fascinated with New Age

and alternative religions,

any form of mysticism.

some days i feel i want to be

a solitary hermit, content with the stillness of the mind,

satisfied to fully live the spiritual path.

somedays i just want someone special

who makes me

laugh and laugh and laugh,

i just want to laugh with him.

i love my puppy

and looking at wedding rings

and dresses,

i love sleeping in

and waking up to the rain.

i love the ocean,

walking on the beach,

dreaming of scuba diving,

seeing wonders up close.

i love books; reading and holding and buying them,

i love the smell of bookstores,

i love giving.

i love writing postcards

and heartfelt notes,

the color blue

and the thought that we are all pieces of God,

that this is why the earth doesn’t feel like our home.

i love the idea that we are born again and again,

each time we live we learn something new.

i love meditating for the good of all.

i love the One.

i love singing

and songs that mean something to me,

the lyrics are just right.

i love soft, quiet nights

and kind eyes,

costume parties

and the subtle disguise of budding love.

i love watching kids and dogs

playing in the snow,

remembering grandpa

and the sacred decorations of my grandma’s house.

i love my blonde hair,

and the way i want to dye it black,

love Ott’s Pasta,

Tea Bar & Bites,

and long, beaded necklaces.

i love simple decor,

pictures in houses,

old, funky tablecloths,

abstract art photos,

the color black.

i love color

and scaring people

and Halloween.

i love the feeling of Christmas,

like the world is the way it’s meant to be.

Presence 

for Grandma Pat and Daniel, in memory

Lingering, those that have passed,

like a whisper on the breeze

or a glimpse from the corner

of my eye;

a twinkle,

a sigh,

they must be passing by.

A smile,

tears,

a kiss:

there must be more than this.

Softest sounds,

a smell;

a bluebird floating

in the sky.

Is it their spirits

or sweet memories 

that never die?

Souls never die,

souls never die.

Revolutionary Road looks incredible:

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809883886/trailer

An article about it:

http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20219322,00.html

I don't want the "American Dream" either.  White picket fence?  No, thanks.

"Moon River"

Somehow there's no song that quite captures the idea of soulmates like this one.

Another song that breathtakingly portrays soulmates:

"I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie

Sometimes I wonder if there's any magic left in the world.

Those fairytales have to be true for someone.  

Do we have to believe in them first to make them come to life?

On another note, it's magical that Martha is alive, and in pretty good shape.  

I think I believe in angels.  She must have a beast of a guardian angel.  I'm so glad she's alright!

 "Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it you can make it so." -Belva Davis (thanks, Becky from facebook)

"The Cab Ride I'll Never Forget"

http://www.zenmoments.org/the-cab-ride-ill-never-forget/

thanks, dooce

"A Victim Treats His Mugger Right"

http://www.zenmoments.org/victim-treats-mugger-right/

If you haven't checked it out before, you must immediately go to this site.  It will, in middle school vernacular, "rock your world."

http://www.cassettefrommyex.com/

Songs, in my book, are some of the most romantic things you can ever give to someone.

Happy Things:

~puppies

~finding good songs

~dreams

~singing along to Jewel

~homemade vanilla ice cream (I don't care what you say, the best homemade is always vanilla!)

~spending time with Shawn

~traveling

~reading books about exciting interests

~discovering fun new hobbies and interests

~creativity

~watching That 70's Show

Sad Things:

~not having dreams; feeling adrift

~job situation looking bleak, although it is only September

~the economy

~not laughing enough and not knowing what to do about it

~feeling like there are so many obstacles to something you desperately want to pursue

~5 tests in 2 weeks

I'm glad I can think of more happy than sad things.  Why do I let the sad things bog me down so much?  But I think there's truth to the saying that thinking of 5 things to be happy about before you go to bed does wonders.

An oldie but a goodie

"You were meant for me" by Jewel

Jewel causes me to wish I was a singer/songwriter/guitarist. So beautiful.

I've been completely obsessed with this song lately.  

It is "I will possess your heart" by Death Cab for Cutie.  

If you get tired of all the music in the beginning, 

drag the little bobble approximately to the middle--that's 

where the singing begins.

My friend also sent me this song ("Dust" by Royworld):

...and promptly admonished me to 'never live your life on a shelf.'  

I feel like I don't live life on a shelf. I live my life very deliberately 

and thoughtfully. I try to live with intent rather than by default. I pursue

the things I love and try to minimize the things I don't. I travel to the 

places of my wildest dreams and try to love people with all I have to give. I 

try to be a good, no, great person. I realize mistakes are part of the 

learning process and don't believe people are broken. I grow and I 

learn every day.

Do you think I live life on a shelf? What about you?

Soulmates

The other day I was in Sephora (a makeup store) of all places looking at shower gel. There's this brand of bath products called 'Philosophy,' and on each bottle they have the 'philosophy' of the particular name. Some are really silly like "Margarita" and the philosophy is a margarita recipe.  

But the one that made my jaw drop was the one on Soulmates. (It was, oddly enough, a grapefruit shower gel.) But it was the most profound writing on soulmates I've ever seen! Here is what it said:  

"you don't need to look for love, you only need to wait, for soulmates always find us. and just like a left foot needs a right foot, we all need a soulmate, and not unlike having two feet on the ground, it helps to be grounded before they arrive. and yet even if your goods are a little damaged, a true soulmate will always love you just the way you are. and remember...soulmates come in all shapes and sizes. they are family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and at their best they are our true loves."

It's amazing how by simply being oneself and by doing what comes 

naturally a person can so profoundly change the world.

It's easy to forget how simple it truly is to live a life of peace and joy.  

Perhaps because it is simple we feel like we have to make it harder.

Why do we make life harder?  

It doesn't have to be hard to bring joy to the world.

I hope to bring joy to everyone I meet, to make them feel deeply loved 

and respected.

Thanks, IZ. May you smile to know your joy keeps on giving long after you are gone.

Word:  Balls, as in the gown and handsome prince variety, are REAL in Austria.

First of all, I have the best puppy in the world.  Already she barely cries at night anymore, is recognizing her name, and is getting good at coming when called.  Only one accident inside.  She is a total sweetheart, giving kisses to everybody.  She'll just sleep in my lap when I'm on the computer (like right now), but is really playful most of the time.  Even Shawn's heart of steel is starting to crumble, and she's the best person, er, dog in the world for cheering you up or to get your cuteness munchies on.  You know, when you have to just kiss something all over because it's so irresistably cute!  

Second, I'm on this extreme social kick.  When I am not in human presence, I immediately start to feel lonely.  Granted, puppies help to curb the loneliness, but I still get lonely quite often.  Not sure what to do about it.  Start a new hobby?  Except I'm no good at sticking to hobbies.  I have probably 19 hobbies that I've started at some point but then have lost interest in them in a week.  I feel a bit sensitive and thin-skinned right now, too.  Not taking criticism well.  I need to work on not viewing criticism as a personal failure, but rather as room to improve.  

Third, I'm proud at my succeeding efforts to think positively.  It makes life so much better.  Around this time last year, I believe, I started reading the book The Happiness Makeover.  One of its key points is positive thought (among many other jewels of wisdom; HIGHLY recommend it to anyone).  I'm proud at how far I've come.  

Fourth, I feel like my ability to make decisions is paralyzed at the moment.  For some reason I'm stressing over having no real plan upon graduation.  I'm reminded of how much I've wanted to travel in the past.  Except there's no place I just have to move and no job I just have to do.  New York is okay and London would be fun, so would New Zealand or California or wherever.  I feel a bit apathetic.  This bugs the heck out of me to not have a plan.  And then fitting Shawn into it is even harder, and that's a whole other topic I probably shouldn't discuss online.

Fifth, I REALLY don't want to start school.  : (

Sixth, but life is still good.  It has its ups and downs, but there's nothing I can't face, and maybe even enjoy the highlights and the little things that make it all worthwhile. 

Lulu comes home tomorrow afternoon!  Hooray!!!!

Other than that:

~I've been working all weekend.  Bleh.  However, money is always nice to have.

~Friends from TX came to visit last week and we had a blast!  

~Got in my first car wreck ever Thursday.  Boooo.  : (  But I'm thrilled that nobody was hurt.  You can always fix/replace things, but people you can never replace.  It's funny how events like this put everything into perspective.

~Life is pretty darn good, though!

~Swimming with Shawn tomorrow, whoopeee!

~Is it sad that it absolutely made my week to hear that the purse I've lusted over and over about at work wasn't removed at all--it actually hasn't even been released yet!  Now I can maybe get it for Christmas!!  I'm pretty sure I'm the only one at work who still doesn't own one of the purses, haha, I'm such a hardballer.  ; )

~Oh, and I think I may read Why Men Love Bitches again.  My coworker and I realized tonight that we both have read it.  It was a good one.  It's about not being a doormat but instead being confident and why that attracts men.  I read it last summer flying home from Europe.  Although I didn't get through the whole thing, reading parts of it was definitely a turning point for me.  Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is good, too, but I want something with a bit more sass at the moment.  

~I wish I was more of a music nerd, but that may never be possible. 

~You should check out the link to the left under Cool Links entitled "Joe's Website on Gay Marriage."  Regardless of what you believe about the subject, it's a videoclip worth watching.

~Did I mention I'm getting my puppy tomorrow?!!!!  : )

Stained glass windows spattered with blood and love

I was horrified when I read this article about a shooting at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville, TN. 

When reading most news articles about savage violence, I often leave the article depressed about 'how our world's going to pot' and how there are so few good people left and yadah yadah yadah.

But as I read this article by the Associated Press, I couldn't help but observe the profound love that could not be hidden, even by unthinkable cruelty. A deacon actually stood in front of bullets and died so other people didn't have to die. A husband/father made sure his family was safe and then threw himself back into the possibility of harm so he could pin down the gunman. The gunman was not even injured--the congregation simply pinned him down, removed the gun, and waited for help to arrive.

But what we often fail to remember with acts of violence, or even ignorance or anger, is that these actions bear witness to a void of love. People who exhibit these behaviors often have lived loveless lives for years, and so they turn to inflict evil upon the very thing they need and crave the most.

This is why we must never give up on loving--why love should always be our greatest guide. Life devoid of love is pain, worthlessness, hollow, alone. Whatever our religion, thought, lifestyle, and creed, let us strive to be people who make every effort to keep acts like this from happening, who apply love in early and late stages of need to a world that is so clearly desperate for any kind of loving gesture and touch.

So, assuming the universe doesn't conspire against me again, I will be getting a pet:


She is an 8 week old black & tan Chihuahua and her name is Lulu. Kelly, I know I told you I was getting a blue & tan one, but I decided on Lulu because she had just the sweetest personality. I couldn't let her go to someone else. Fingers crossed that she's exactly what I'm looking for: a people-oriented dog who wants to cuddle all the time and sit in my lap or be in my arms incessantly. She's the sweetest baby EVER. I can't wait to bring her home Friday!

i feel lonely today.

i feel like a bit of a snob. the new hairstylist i tried for the first time today reminded me of it. i said something about how the place where she got her tattoos is supposed to be the best place in town. she said she thinks all artists are great. i guess deep down i think all artists are great in their own way, too. i may not enjoy or be profoundly moved by their work, but i greatly respect anyone who uses their creativity (ethically). expressing your art is truly a gift you give to all the world.

i need to be more humble. i realize this is a healthy, vital characteristic in life. how do you become more humble? sign up to serve people somehow?

i think sometimes i get snobby when i feel insecure. she made me feel a bit insecure: she was so loud and THERE IN MY FACE. that kind of personality. but i like how she cut my hair (although i feel bad about not going to my friend who cuts hair, but i just needed something different), and maybe i can learn something from the bohemian girl with gold bangles and tattoos all up one arm.

Fashion Design Dreams

It's kind of wild, but I keep having these ideas of designs dance through my head. I've kind of stopped trying to sketch them all out, although I really should document them.

For a while I steered away from the option of a career in something like fashion design (or advertising or sales or...) because I thought that it was a bit superficial and knew I wanted a career in which I directly helped people every day. This still resonates as true at some level, but I see also how I could be really cut out for a career in fashion design or another related field:

~I love merging creativity with function (I love using my creativity, period!)
~I like being my own boss
~I don't like bringing work home with me but am happy to work overtime at the studio (I don't know if you do or don't bring work home with fashion design)
~I have all these designs floating through my mind and can even create ones with prompts (like using a specific fabric or for a particular purpose)
~I love my job at a fashion retail store
~When I walk through the mall, I will think of ways I could make clothes and purses and shoes and etc. better. Then I wonder why I don't
~I feel like if my heart was really in it, I could achieve whatever I wanted
~Fashion design is more "friendly" to me. It is easy and natural for me to sketch out design ideas and I actually do it, but the thought of picking up a paint brush makes me freeze in fear
~The idea of moving to a fashion mecca like NYC, Paris, or Milan is really exciting and doable for me
~And I've gotten some really great affirmations from people. Several good friends say they could see it really fitting. My roommate hung out with some fashion design students and said that she thought I was a lot like them

People have always said I have my own particular style, and a lot of people complement me about my wardrobe choices. I'm not saying these things to brag, but simply to try to piece together reasons why it would be a great fit for a career.

My 4-year plan looks like this:

Year 1: Take classes in sewing and maybe an Intro to Fashion Design course. Begin work on kick-ass portfolio. Graduate from college.
Year 2: Find a job (perhaps fashion or retail related) and work for a year until Shawn graduates. Maybe take more sewing and design classes. Finish and tweak kick-ass portfolio.
Year 3: Get into a prominent fashion design school like Parsons or FIT and move to NYC.
Year 4: Using my fabulous contacts made at fashion school, land a ridiculously amazing and enjoyable job.

La Moda

Today I really want to become a fashion designer. I'm excited to sign up for sewing classes to better show me if I'm truly into it. I've done sewing before in a fashion design class in high school and loved it. The only thing that frustrated me is that I didn't have the skills to use boundless creativity in my projects. I think I'll maybe get my feet wet with a sewing class this semester and see what happens. I would need to buid up a portfolio and all that jazz if I'm going to apply for schools. Fashion design would be a great way to express my artistic soul and creativity. For some reason, fashion design is far less imposing to me than painting. Already I've designed about 8 different dresses and a purse on paper. Once I get the skills I'd love to make and revamp some fabulous clothes! They have this awesome book at Barnes & Noble about how to spice up thrift store finds. That would be so much fun! Maybe I'll try my hand at it this summer.

I know I jump around from career to career a lot, but I believe this would be a perfect blend of art and practicality. I believe I would have what it takes to go as far as I wanted to into the field, and I love the idea of traveling and working with all kinds of fascinating people. It's fun to dream big and even more fun to achieve your goals!

What do you think about fashion design for me as a career?

No kittens allowed in the house. I definitely cried. Bummer.

Things are going fine. Even though I'm working 2 jobs, they aren't giving me many hours and I've been a bit bored lately. But that will be good once school begins because then I won't feel too overwhelmed. I've been finding that I really like the working life and being busy. I think keeping busy for the most part keeps me happy. But it's also nice to just sprawl out and relax and read and stuff.

I made a new friend recently. He's a bit of a perv, but yet a very outgoing, self-involved, fun perv. I don't know what to think about having introduced him to my closest friends. I guess they have to make their own decisions, though, and so far they're doing a good job with this one. We had tons of fun at his house the other night (don't worry, Shawn came, too).

At my wine job I met this guy that looked familiar. As it turns out, he is also the brother of this guy I went to high school with and an old, old family friend of Shawn and his family! Since the guy, B, works where we work, Shawn talked with him for a long time the other day and didn't even realize that B was B and vice versa. B is a super fun, cool guy, so hopefully he'll be able to hang out with us soon. As a side note, I'm trying especially hard lately to be friendly and make new friends since a lot of my close ones have graduated and are moving.

I've been housesitting lately. It's fun to live other people's lives for just a bit. I love imagining what my life will look like in a few years. Strangely enough, I could see it looking fairly similar to these people's lives. Even Shawn mentioned that, that he could see us being like them. I'm not quite sure what he meant by that.

Still can't decide on 1 cat vs. 2. Since the precious little boy one fell through, I had thought maybe just one, but there's part of me that doesn't want my sweet little girl to live alone all the time when I'm not there. But I also worry about my life not being the most stable right now, and would I be able to move 2 cats overseas?, and do most places rent to people with 2 cats, & etc...

I'm also reading some very interesting books, but you'd probably think I'm a nut job if I told you what they are, haha. Let's just say they deal with a lot of New Agey concepts. Which brings me to ask, what do you think when you think of 'New Age?' I'd been conditioned all my life to think 'weird' and think of energy 'stuff', but it seems like there are so many things that fall under the New Age umbrella. I'm not sure what people mean when they say 'New Age.' Now, having read a bit more about it, I think of paranormal phenomenon, altered states of consciousness, psychic phenomena, reincarnation, astral projection and out-of-body experiences, energy work, crystals, and the list goes on. I guess I should just look it up on wikipedia, but it's interesting to read what people think who know varying amounts of information about New Age, or anything, really.

Final Kitty Update:

Unfortunately the other lady wants the two brown kittens (including the one I wanted). I am really disappointed, but I'm sure there's another kitty out there who will need a good home and will be just as sweet. There's a black and white one in the litter that is unclaimed, so I'm waiting on pics of him. In the past I've just really loved the brown tabby markings on the Maine Coons, but maybe I'll love this b & w kitty just as much or more, we'll see. Yesterday was just an emotional day--probably not the best day to get news like that, but oh well. I guess you just have to stay positive.

Emo Post of the Month:  Beware

I feel raw.  I'm experiencing confusing emotions so strongly and I don't know what to make of it.  It's not PMS, either.  I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel like I'm living in a constant state of nervous, nagging energy that won't go away.  I feel lost, with no plan that appeals for the future concerning so many areas.  I'm naturally a decision-maker and like to have goals I can work toward, but everything I think of lacks appeal.  Decision deadlines are rapidly approaching and I have no direction.  I feel like a beautiful bird with her wing feathers plucked.  I feel that it's so hard to be the person I want to be.  I think you could do much better than me.  Yet I also feel like I shouldn't have to bend my will to suit you.  I'm beautiful and wonderful and fabulous the way I am and you should appreciate it; love me for who I am.    

I wish I could make all this better, but I don't know how.  It's such a bad way to feel--knowing something needs fixing but you don't know what or how.  I feel like I'm in a meaningless, cruel, teasing maze with no way out.

Update on (hopefully) baby #2:

Heard from the foster lady.  Apparently another lady called before me, but there is a litter of 3 Maine Coon mixes:  2 brown tabbies and a black and white.  The lady wants to adopt the 2 brown tabbies.  But I'm hoping that the foster lady can convince the adopting lady to adopt the other brown tabby (a female) and the black and white.  Oh, I don't know why, but I'm just in love with this kitty.  This is very unlike me to fall in love with only a picture, but I just have a very good feeling about baby #2.  I feel a bit spoiled and juvenile insisting on this kitty, but you want what you want. Please wish me luck and send kind thoughts our way!  I think it would be so cute to have a little boy and girl, too.  God, please let "us" work out!

Keep your fingers crossed that this little guy can be baby #2:

I've tried contacting the people who have him to no avail.  I don't even know if someone else has already claimed him.  Today at Petsmart I almost made a tag for him when I made one for Ellie, just to make me believe a little more that it could happen.  I'm completely and wholly in love with both!

What do you think, one cat or two?  Feel free to leave lengthy advice.

I love spending cloudy mornings reading in bed.  : )

ONE MORE DAY UNTIL HEAVEN.

Heaven, aka, THE CHILDLESS ZONE.  

Today was one of those days where it was all I could do to keep from screaming at someone.  For this reason, I seriously wonder whether children of my own are ever in the future.

Today is a day to dream of happy thoughts, like my whitewashed house on a cliff overlooking the sea.  It would be full of beautiful, strange, and exotic things.  I want everything in my house to have some kind of significance.  I don't want to fill it up with useless clutter (it's already starting to get that way). It might have a cat or two running around.  A lovely garden would be planted around it.  All I need to figure out is where I could get this out without paying a million for it.

Dooce posted a great video of the band MGMT's song "Time to Pretend."  While the song glorifies the fast life, it resonates with me.  The singers ask you to not judge them for the fact that they've decided to live fast and die young.  While I definitely don't want to die young, I agree that there is more to life than living in an office cubicle, and each person has to find meaning in their life.  I want to be different than everyone else.  I feel like I already am, but as I'm at a stage where I am creating significant parts of my life, I don't want to choose a path of drudgery.  I don't want to be a bum or hippie or floater, but so many paths of life that I witness being traveled by the people around me don't seem like something I would want for my own.  I guess I just don't know where to go from here with that knowledge.  

This is my precious baby angel.  You just can't see the wings in this photo.  I've named her Ellie and she is 3 weeks old.  She is (we think) a lilac point Siamese and is the most amazing cat I have ever met in my entire life.  I am in love.  She gets to come home to me in 3 weeks.

Here are Ellie and her brothers.  I think she's the one my hand is touching.  She's so tiny!  I can't wait to see her again.

I've never felt so happy about a cat, but I just knew she is who I want to live with me.  I'm a complete sucker for her already, and she just opened her eyes!  

I hope she bonds with me and loves me as much as I love her.  I hope I can give her everything she ever needs.  She is the most wonderful, fabulous, fantastic, perfect cat ever.  

: )

Warm Fuzzies

I had the time of my life last night. I danced the night away. And not only did I dance the night away, but I got my friend E who was in town to dance with me, and he ended up having a blast! One of my favorite things in life is encouraging people to enjoy themselves to the fullest even if it means pushing the edge of comfortable. Many people don't feel comfortable dancing in public, but when you just let loose and allow yourself to have fun and not worry about anyone else around you, you end up having the most amazing time. It's funny, because six months ago I would have been the wallflower, but lately I've felt myself opening up and it's fabulous.

Yesterday afternoon I thought I would go see the little Siamese kitty I'm thinking about getting, but it fell through. I really hope tomorrow will work out. I feel like having a pet in my life would be really healthy for me right now--something to make me slow down a bit and appreciate the little things. There is just something about animals that makes a part of my heart open up that nobody else can warm. I really hope that when I meet this kitty for the first time she just feels like a good choice and a good fit into my life. Sometimes animals are the best to hold. If things go well, I'll probably post pictures! She would be ready to come home in about 3 weeks. I really hope it works out. I guess it can if I really want it to, but knowing exactly what you want is sometimes the hard part. Maybe I make life too confusing. Maybe life is simpler than we all make it out to be a lot of the time. But I'd really love a sweet little kitty to sit in my lap (and maybe even chase around) every day. : )

I'm feeling better.  Thanks for all the supportive comments.  Life really is so crazy right now, though.  It's kind of sad when you look forward for weekdays so things will calm down a touch, when normal weekday life is calmer than weekends.  But I think this may soon change.  Not to be cryptic, but you know how it goes about posting tons of info. about one's job online...

In other news, I'm still wanting something small and warm and fuzzy, and I hear that Siamese cats maybe aren't quite as bad for allergies.  Also, oddly enough, female cats don't produce quite as many allergens as male cats!  How strange!  So I'm looking for my baby girl.  I've already found a lady who has 1 week old Siamese kittens.  The mom is a lilac point and the dad is a seal point.  I would love it if the little girl is a lilac point--they're so ethereal and lovely. 

Lilac Point Siamese

Seal Point Siamese

*Note:  The video and pictures are not the actual cats I'm looking at.

Other Greatly Anticipated Activities to Do Once I Regain My Life:

10. Get a fantastic, furry, lovely pet of some kind.

11. Make all the post secrets I've been collecting for weeks and send them.

12. Spread out a blanket on the ground at a park with a dear friend, lay looking up at the clouds moving for hours, and talk about life and all its secrets.

13. Sing.

It is hard working so much.  I want a day to seriously just lay on my bed, lights off and windows drawn, to just think and be still and not worry about anything.  Before that I would wake up in the early morning, walk through my neighborhood in the dawn looking at all the lovely little houses.  I'm weird.

I just feel so stressed.  And I know this will only last a few weeks, and I could just say the word and end it, but I don't know what I want.  This is a significant problem in my life at the moment--no knowing what I want.

There was an interesting article that has you answer a bunch of questions to assess what is important to you, potentially for careers.  Here's my self-portrait in 4 questions:

*What do you believe in most?  Actions speaking louder than words.  Caring.  Helping.  Compassion.  Big-heartedness.  There is still good in the world.  Love.

*What do you most value?  People, especially those who show me they care.  Genuineness.  Love.  Compassion.  Free time.  Art--having my surroundings be aesthetically pleasing.

*I can do the following well:  Show others I care.  Speak Spanish and sign language.  Be responsible.

*For a good life, I feel I need:  The love of my life.  (Yes, I said it.  Please don't think less of me that I do need someone.  I think we all need people.  Maybe need is a strong word, but I think I'd be much, much happier with my love by my side.)  Free time to do my hobbies.  A good job (one that's decently good to come to work to every day and that won't leave me worrying about what the heck I'll do if my car breaks down.  A cute little place to live that I've decorated myself and which houses several wonderful animals.  A nice location to live in.  Giving of myself to others.  Art.  

Tonight I don't feel like a very cool person.  I just feel stressed and a little upset with myself that when I'm busy like this I feel the need to put my life on hold in certain ways.  I know it will get better, but tonight is just a little rough.  I'm heading to bed.

Much-Anticipated Activities and Goals for When I Have A Life Again (In 2 Weeks?!!):

1. Lay out at the pool as much as possible.

2. Work on becoming closer friends with people.  (Be a better friend.  Sometimes people really aren't lying when they say they're busy--sometimes they're so busy that they have little to offer and they're doing all they can just to get by.)

3. Clean my room (!!!!).  (If you tried to enter my closet at this point, we'd probably never see you again...)

4. Research career options and develop a plan (maybe).

5. Read up on Buddhism and attend meditation sessions again.  Take a meditation retreat?

6. Exercise regularly, perhaps in the cool of the morning.

7. Disappear off to the beach for a much-needed vacation.  Anyone want to come with?

8. Dream of my dream house and life and start making it more of a reality by sketching and documenting it.  You know how your stomach aches in a good way because thinking about something makes you so happy?  I want to think of those things more.

9. Break out the sewing machine, design, and make some awesome clothes!

Working with kids is teaching me so much about life, myself, and people.  

They've taught me to be assertive when I need to be.  Sometimes you really need to be the boss in certain situations.  You have to be to survive.

They've taught me not to care too much about what people think.  Try as I might to prevent this, there will be days when the kids are furious with me, upset, cranky, etc.  I've gotten to the point where I don't really care.  Of course I want them to be happy, but I don't take it personally when they take out their anger/crankiness on me.  I know it's bound to happen.  This makes me think I should go easier on adults, too, and not take things adults do so personally.

Kids have taught me that even a bad day has lots of good in it, and vice versa.  There are always highlights to even the worst day.  You have to focus on the highlights to stave off disenchantment at the least and at the worst, depression.  This is so true of life, yet perhaps the highlights aren't always as clear as they are in a classroom.

I've learned that I probably don't want to work with kids again.  I think I might prefer the older crowd more.  While I would consider my work right now a generally positive experience, I'm seriously wondering whether I want to sign up to do it again.  I think that if you have to ask yourself the question of whether or not you should be working with kids, if you have to think about it for any length of time, the answer is probably no.  I have to think about it a lot.  Where does that lead me?  Maybe to grad school for Spanish or Fashion Design school or something else to do with Deaf Education or some office job I don't know I'm in love with yet.  I guess I'm still trying to figure out whether or not I love teaching or if something else is better for me.

Sometimes it is a complete surprise where life leads us.