Today I came to an epiphany.  

Life is so much sweeter if you choose to believe that people are for you, and not against you.

Sometimes I tend to live thinking the opposite.  Call it part of my jaded middle school & high school past.

But when you expect the best of people, it's so much easier to be happy.  It's so much more fruitful when you believe the tailgater behind you must be in a big hurry for a very important reason instead of just wanting to hack you off.  

Life is so much more beautiful when you avidly search for the good in all things.

I want to be more like this.

I was brave today.

After Miranda told me she would have to move out unexpectedly by March (she needs the money to move to Europe!), I found myself in need of another roomie.

So I posted an ad on facebook.  But that's not the brave thing I did.  I posted the ad for a female or gay male roommate.  This was big for me.  I never thought I'd be open to living with any guy, however, the past few years as I've become more open minded to the idea of homosexuality, I've secretly entertained the idea of one day being able to live my own "Will & Grace" show.  In fact, I almost desperately want to meet that perfectly lovable, poetic, melodramatic gay friend and share some of my space with him.

And I just hope my parents won't keel over dead if this perfect-for-me roomie comes knocking on my door.  Er, email. 

Today especially I'd love to believe that all eventually works together for ultimate good.  It makes the world feel so much friendlier.

But the world isn't always so friendly, and it's hard to believe when it seems like so much is fighting against us.

Perhaps these thoughts were provoked by the death of Heath Ledger.  

Perhaps it all simply ties to the way I've experienced the world.

Life can be so beautiful and so terrible all at once. 

Even in saying this, I feel I have no right to utter those words, because life has been so much fairer to me than countless others in this world.  

Someday I hope I understand.

Wow, I can't believe school starts tomorrow.  I think I'm ready.  This semester should be very interesting and fun because I get to take classes all about teaching and Deaf people.  I also am really looking forward to observing in an elementary classroom!!  Yay!

I've had quite the round of social activities in the past day or two.  Yesterday I met my wonderful & inspiring friend Kara for lunch at a local Indian restaurant.  She's one of those people you just connect with on a whole other level than most people.  You feel like you could tell her anything in the world and she would implicitly understand.  I love people like that.  I hope to be one, if not already.  She has a joy for life that I've never seen in anyone else.  We talked also about psychics, which I have a deep fascination to learn more about them at the moment.  We talked about mysticism and faith and travel (she's quite the traveler).  I wish I could spend more time with her.  I wish distance didn't separate me from many of the people I love the most.

My friend from Denmark has also been visiting.  She's a doll, and it's great taking her shopping and out to eat and watching her enjoy things here so much more than the average American.  I took her to dinner last night with Shawn and his friend, and she said she wishes she could just stay here.  Sometimes I wish things could stay just how they are in a given moment, now, and never change.

Yesterday I also went flea marketing with my grandma.  I can only take so much of looking at stations of old, cluttered, dusty things, but it's kind of exciting all the same because you never know when you'll find a treasure.  

With school starting tomorrow, I have a lot of different emotions; anything from excited, to nervous that it will be too stressful, to relieved that I'll have more to occupy my time, to sad that I won't have as much time to learn what I want to learn, to just happy.  But most of all I have this feeling that no matter what happens, this will be a good semester.  : )

After talking with my sweet friend, Abbey, this evening I realized that this break has had just enough activities interspersed at just the right intervals to keep me from coming to Ft. Worth to visit.  It is as if some mad genius planned it all.  This is how my break has gone:

School ended.  I collapsed and promptly got bored (a new feeling for me--I am rarely bored).  Should have gotten a job.

Christmas Activities quickly ensued.  All FIVE Christmas gatherings.  (Divorced parents and their significant others, even when they are not your own, do make for a busy holiday.)

I breathed for two days after Christmas, then my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins came into town.  The day before they left, my dear friend Cara who you all know and love came for a lovely visit.  The next day she left and Shawn, Shawn's family and I jumped in the car and went to visit his grandparents for their Christmas celebration, staying two days.

I breathed a few more days and then Shawn's friend Matt (for whom Shawn was one of the best men) married April yesterday in one of the most beautiful and fulfilling weddings I have yet to witness.  Of all the weddings I have seen, if pressed I think I would pick that one to be mine (different bride and groom and guests, obviously).  It was exquisite and tasteful.  Did I mention it was exquisite?

Today Shawn and some friends and I rode down to Arkansas to do some rock climbing.  It was a really good group, especially since his sister came.  The more I get to know her, the more I like her.  : )  

This coming Tuesday is Shawn's birthday.  It is all I can do to keep from giving him his presents literally weeks early, just because I can.  

Then I breathe a few more days and on the 14th, school starts!

Poor Ft. Worth got edged out this time.  : (  I've had a fabulous break, don't get me wrong.  I wish I could have squeezed in enough time to come visit.  But with the rate time is flying by, maybe the next vacation will be just around the bend...

Happy New Year!

Resolution:  to produce something artistic everyday, preferably for 30 minutes or more.  

Question:  should I keep my hair red or go back blonde?  

I was all set on being red for a while until Shawn told me he likes it better blonde.  : /

If I go back blonde, it would probably be more of a strawberry blonde, like this picture with maybe a few lighter highlights on top:

Wow, two posts in one night.  

I've noticed a couple of people saying they feel lonely lately.  I feel lonely, too.  Not a devastating loneliness, but more a "oh I wish someone was here to share this" kind of lonely.  I want to tell someone when paint from the gods has fallen and a single light dancing covers the streets in a green pathway to heaven.  I want someone to be there with me in the house just for a hug now and then.  

I felt really, really spoiled this Christmas, and overwhelmed at the number of gifts we give each other.  I think I might like it a little better if we reverted to handmade cards and a hug or phone call.  I was a little embarrassed at how many presents I got in front of him.  

Lately, I've discovered I generally dislike rich people.  It seems like middle-class to poor people are often kinder, more genuine, and less pompous.  

I think I'm falling in love with him more.  And I can't help it.  It's scary sometimes.  But also l o v e l y.

Even though I don't like most rich people, I kind of want to be rich when I grow up.  I don't like worrying about finances, and especially detest making other people worry about finances.  I hope I never have marital problems (though one could argue that a few "problems" are healthy), but I especially do not want marital problems over finances, conflicting life dreams, or infidelity.

I want to move somewhere warm, and even then get a hot tub.  : )  

I want to stop buying so much stuff.  It just clutters up your house.

I wish I was more humanitarian.  Often I feel lazy, apathetic, and distrustful of organizations that claim to give your donations to someone who really needs it.

Part of me still wants to study Spanish in-depth.  I don't know how to feel about that or what to do with it.

I should do a lot of things more or less, but I hate living by shoulds, so I don't.  I'm happy and healthy anyway.

I've had recurring nightmares about zombies ever since I watched Shaun of the Dead at least 2 weeks ago.

Maybe that's enough stream-of-consciousness writing for now.  I hope you can connect in some way.    

P.S. I'm happy

Christmas Fave Fours

Four Favorite Christmas Songs

I try to make a mental list of this every year and am never quite satisfied.  

1. Oh, Holy Night

2. Carol of the Bells

3. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

4. Let It Snow

5. Silent Night

Christmas Songs I Could Do Without Hearing Next Year

This list proves significantly longer, though there are few outstandingly nauseating ones.  I am easily made sick of Christmas music (yes, what a grinch!).

1. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

2. Santa Baby

3. Jingle Bells (so worn out, especially in child Batman renditions)

Favorite Christmas Movies

1. A Family Stone

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (animated version)

3. Elf

4. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (claymation)

Foods I Eat Each Christmas

1. Pie

2. Ham

3. Iced Sugar Cookies, family recipe and hand-decorated

4. Stuffing (mmmm!)

Favorite Christmas Traditions

1. Decorating said Iced Hand-Decorated Sugar Cookies with family and friends

2. Cooking with Mom

3. Caroling (we don't really do this, but I'd like to do it again)

4. Playing the elf and passing out everyone's presents

5. Having my cousins come to visit

Four Things I Got For Christmas This Year

1. A lovely new pea coat with a tiny black & white pattern from Shawn

2. The book Acrylic Revolution and a field easel from Shawn

3. A book on the grammatical intricacies of American Sign Language

4. A huge tub of margarita mix and rim salt along with a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila from Shawn's sister!

Productivity

Lately I've been reading an encouraging book about art called The View From the Studio Door:  How Artists Find Their Way In An Uncertain World by Ted Orland.  He and David Bayles wrote another fabulous book, Art & Fear.  

Sometimes producing art is scary.  You feel uncreative, afraid of people's judgment, fear not being able to produce immediate masterpieces.  Ted writes that with the first brush stroke or pen mark you have been creative--you have brought something new into existence (though the idea of whether anything is new or not is a whole other concept to ponder).  While masterpieces are inspiring and often elicit praise, you shouldn't do your work for all this, but because you enjoy the process.  

That makes one feel better about each piece of work produced--when one can deeply appreciate it for the joy of the process.

In other non-news, break has been good though a bit boring so far.  It seems I don't know what to do with myself when I don't have looming, ominous deadlines.

Last night was a fun time.  My friends Brian and Eric were in from out of town as well as my friend Abbey.  They all came over and got to meet Shawn (Abbey already had, briefly).  We all ended up going out to my favorite relaxed bar.  I couldn't believe Brian bought everyone's drinks!  

As I was reviewing the night this morning, I came to a startling realization.  I think I'm very hesitant to trust people my own age.  But with people even just a few years older, I automatically feel a bit more at ease.  Interesting.

Well, I'm off to the not-so-glam job of cleaning my shower (it is vile by now).  Hope everyone's having a lovely break and holiday!

Absolutely Edible

As in, I kind of want to stick his entire face in my mouth, in one wallopy, salivated kiss.

I want one.  

One that stays that way forever.

(It's a blue Australian Heeler, by the way.)

to be haunted by someone's eyes and find the footsteps of his memory in your thoughts.

wishing he would drive long and far into the night to find you.

to feel the joyous ache of long conversations that feel too short.  wanting to stay, listening through waves of sound and air, just listening to him breathe.

wanting to stay.

Accidental Babies by Damien Rice

"is he dark enough

to see your light?"

"do you miss my smell?"

"is he bold enough

to take you on?"

"do you feel

like you belong?"

"does he drive you wild?

or just mildly free?"

"what about me?"

Wow, I just realized that last post must have come off sounding quite negative.  It amazes me how technology can drive me into fits of rage that few humans could elicit.

I've been noticing negativity a lot lately.  I've been trying to be more mindful of when I'm negative and who I feel negative toward or around them.  I don't know if you're this way, but a few people make me feel negative whenever I'm around them.  By the way, anyone who would be reading this would not be in that small group of people.  But I've noticed I have a friend (again, nobody reading this) who keeps shooting herself in the foot.  And I've found I feel negative, critical, and a bit judgemental around her most of the time.  I think I need to change my way of responding to her problems (mentally and verbally).  It frustrates me that she tells me all these problems but they seem to never go away or become replaced with new and bigger problems.  I guess I need to treat her kindly, but not encourage her to dwell too much on problems and also not feel personally responsible for fixing her problems.

I read a very interesting concept in my Psychology book (Exploring Psychology by David G. Meyers).  It is called having an external locus of control versus internal locus of control.  If you have an external locus of control, it means you believe that outside factors like luck or fate are responsible for your destiny.  If you have an internal locus of control, you believe that you are in charge of your own destiny.  People who have internal loci of control are far more likely to excel academically, be healthier, and do not suffer as often from depression.    This is a generalization, of course, but I believe that so often when we are unhappy with our lives, it is our responsibility alone to change something to make it better.  Sometimes you have to change quite a few things before something good clicks.  Also, I can see that the shift from having a fairly external locus of control to having an internal locus of control is a major change I've made in the past year.  And it seems that after I made that change (which was a rapid change, by the way) I have been significantly happier than perhaps I've ever been.  I know that there are all kinds of factors that probably contribute to this, but the change to having an internal locus of control is one of the more major changes I have made lately.  One more note--I think it is healthy to realize that some things in life are not in your control and therefore to not be too hard on yourself if, say, you fail.  

Which locus of control do you think you have, and how does it seem to be working for you?

Sidenote:  Kelly, if I goofed something up with any those explanations, or you feel like you could better describe them, please feel free to correct/describe.

So I tried to do that effin' quiz that everyone's been doing, and when I tried to paste it, it kept jumping down BELOW the text box to type in.  And that's rational in WHAT dimension?  

Oh computers, bane of my existence.  I'm almost ready to revoke my Mac worshiping.  But then when I think of actually loving a PC, as in touching one from day to day, something inside me shivers and I realize that whatever makes them freeze up all the gd time is starting, telepathically, to make my heart all frosty around the edges.  : )  Behold, I'm saved by the radiance that is Apple.

Except for the friggin' text box tricks.

Farewell November

I'm finally starting to get used to my new hair.  I haven't quite figured out how to style it yet.  It probably doesn't help that I sleep on it wet, waking with huge cowlicks and fronds of RED sticking every direction.  I have to admit, the day after I cut it, I almost cried.  And I was on the verge of dying it blonde for several days.  I can't say I won't dye it blonde the next go around, but RED is fun for a bit.  I think it taught me, too, to be more confident regardless of what I think others will think.

Other news as of late:  I'm looking for a job.  I may apply to this funky place I love for drinks and appetizers (you have to admit it, anywhere that serves drinks lets you rake in the tips).  I've also thought of some clothing stores and other places...  We'll see.  That's really vague, but I feel a little iffy posting specifics all over the internet. 

Someone very close to me has a lot on their mind so any kind thoughts/prayers would be appreciated.  I know everything will work out okay, but it's hard to remember that when you're in the middle of the situation.  This person totally does not deserve any of what's happening.  But if a few things work out here and there, it could make life a lot easier for him/her.

I've been feeling a little uncentered lately if that makes sense.  Like some things inside are a little off.  I think I need a good day to relax, reflect, and be still.  But alas, finals are around the bend.  I'm pretty burned out with school, too.  : /  I seem to get that way usually right before Christmas for some reason.  Needless to say, I'm really excited for break.  Breaks help me feel real again, haha.  Although the good news is that this semester I've been feeling the most happy, like myself, and like a normal human being (in a good way, not a conformist attitude) that I've felt in years.  

It feels good to be me.  

Other things that feel good:

~Being smiled at by a dear friend.

~Being understood.

~A good back scratch, especially when you haven't had one for a while.

~Laughing   HYSTERICALLY. 

~Sitting on the front porch in the early morning dawn, engulfed in a blanket, sipping hot tea, watching the world wake up.

Before and After Pics

before

after

The State of the Universe

Today my roommates and I had our "family Thanksgiving."  When we first moved into our house, we planned on getting a "family portrait" taken, framed, and prominently displayed on the mantle.  That never happened, but we still do "family" stuff like host a Thanksgiving for our friends.

Oh, and my hair is RED now.  Not red.  RED.  And short.  I'm talking pretty pixie.  It is pretty much its own living entity at the moment, living and functioning separately from my body.  I've had more than one person say I look like an elf.  I'll take that as a good thing.  It was kind of a spur of the moment decision.  And I almost cried about it yesterday, and even called several old hair stylists to see if they could die it back blonde for me.  I'm not sure that I won't still do that.  Tomorrow.  We'll see how I feel in the morning.  It is just so unusual for me.  And I would post pics, but the friggin photo link isn't working.  

Lately I've been in a very shy mood.  I don't really like to say hi to people I know passing on the sidewalk, even though I know it's polite.  So when I changed my hair drastically, I've been getting all kinds of attention for it.  It's kind of weird for me to not like attention, being an only child.  It's all been really positive attention, too.  People are silly sometimes, getting in funky moods that last months.  Or maybe it's just a new facet of who I am--someone who doesn't like to be in the spotlight.  We'll see.    

Do you believe in psychics?

Absolutely Precious

Gay

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=2051907

This was a fascinating videoclip about Gay Mormons.

For some reason homosexuality has always fascinated me. And lately the LDS Church has ignited a growing interest. Both are groups that I do not believe I will ever have any desire to be a member of within my lifetime, but their differences from myself I find intriguing.

It was the negative (if not horrific) treatment of gays and lesbians by the Christian Church that pushed me over the edge in the way I relate to the Christian religion. Granted, I know that not all Christians treat gays and lesbians poorly, but seeing how a large deal of them treated gays and lesbians as well of the negative views on gays that I was raised with made me start to wonder if I wanted to be connected with people who could say and do things like that.

Anyway, I really didn't want to open a can of worms, and that is a whole other story, but I hope you take something of worth from the videoclip.