Confessions

Man, nobody's blogging anymore.  : (

Oh well, I guess you shouldn't do it for anyone but yourself.  Still, it's fun when people participate.  Then again, I can't really talk b/c I average about a post every week or two.

It's weird, I love stories, but I feel like I'm not very good at writing them.  I used to think I was a good writer until I was thrown into the bigger pond of college.  Then again, maybe if I did it regularly, I'd be better.  We're all our own worst critics.  Maybe I'll start writing a little bit every day (though probably not posting every day).  It would be a tragedy for the Girl Who Loved Stories' life to go undocumented.  I think everyone owes their children stories.  We need to know where we came from.  I wish I knew more about my parents when they weren't parents.  Do the stories really get that fuzzy through time?  Or does their very nearness, the way stories hang on the tips of our tongues, drive parents to hold them as secrets, because they're the last secrets they have from us?

The thing is, blogging doesn't fully capture all of my stories, because I often water them down since they're public.  

I've been noticing a need in my life for better self-care.  Particularly in terms of cooking/getting better meals for myself, exercising, relaxing, and being more organized.  All that feels a little overwhelming, though.  Organization makes me feel smothered and tied down.  Yet it is so helpful for basic, daily functioning.  Curse the artist in me.

Contemplating going to grad school feels REALLY overwhelming.  And I don't know if it's overwhelming because of the nature of the degree I may want to pursue (Clin. Psych. is super competitive), my lack of knowledge of it, or if it means I'm not cut out for it.  I wonder if it's overwhelming for me sometimes b/c I am so artistic/creative and it is so scientific and structured.  I don't know if I'd learn to live with and love the structure, and draw creative elements into that, or if it would stifle me.  In some ways, research really appeals to me despite its very scientific/structured nature because there are so many questions I want to answer about people.  And I wonder if I'd like that structure once I learn how to do it better.  I need to go shadow someone and ask them all these questions instead of writing them down on my blog.

I also feel a bit overwhelmed with school, mostly because if I never heard another thing about teaching, I'd be ecstatic.  Yet I feel the driving urge to excel b/c I need those grades to get into grad school.  On so many levels it would be appealing to take the easy road and just get whatever job after I graduate this May, but I don't know if I'd be truly happy with that plan.  I might be really disappointed later on.  

But life isn't bad these days, sometimes I just need to write all these things down.

"I want to give it to her, but I don't know what 'it' is."

*Warning:  viewer discretion advised.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=30768563

Literally laughing out loud.

http://getmortified.com/

I think I need to write this down for the world to see, just so my head doesn't explode.

Clinical Psychology

Pros:

~Getting a sense of fulfillment from work by directly helping people.

~Widening the knowledge base through research.

~Psychology in general is fascinating to me.  

~I love the idea of helping people become healthier and happier.  What better thing could you do for a person?

~A variety of career options within the field:  be a therapist, teach, or research.  

~A variety of places you could work:  private practice, in a hospital, in a university, in many other places, I'm sure...

~Tons of different topic areas to explore.

~Personal growth resulting from the information you have to learn in school.  Most of the psychologists and psychology majors I've met have been absolutely lovely, fascinating people I'd want to be around all the time.  I know I would grow and understand myself more as a person if I were in this field.

Cons:

~I wonder if I could handle being around "down" to mentally disturbed people all day.

~A slight risk of physical harm from patients.

~LOTS of paperwork.  I HATE paperwork.

~Insurance, aka "Notes from the Dark Side."

~LOTS of schooling.  I'm rather disenchanted with school at the moment, but still feel like I would enjoy going to school for Clinical Psychology.  Not to mention that getting into a program is almost as competitive as med school programs.  Yikes!

~Would I actually enjoy research?  All I know is I hate statistics and often find my eyes glazing over when reading scientific research articles.  Would this improve with more exposure to the material?

~Maybe I wouldn't make quite as much money as I would with a doctorate or even master's degree in another field.  Then again, I could live quite comfortably.

Fashion Design

Pros:

~Creating beautiful things.  A colorful job.

~Improving the choices of what's out there.  This is a driving factor:  I chronically find myself disappointed with the clothing on the market.

~Potential to work for myself.

~Potential to live in exotic locales:  NYC, Paris, London, Milan, Tokyo...

~Only one to two years of additional schooling required.

~I feel like I have an exceptional amount of ideas for clothes, and am pretty creative when put on the spot, so this could really work for me.

~If you make it big, you can make well over $100K a year.  Whoo!

Cons:

~I didn't pour over Vogue magazines or constantly design clothes as a little girl.  Is my heart in it enough?

~You usually have to pay your dues before making it big, if you ever make it big.  Would I really be happy as a designer's assistant?  I'm not sure I would.  Then again, "if you never try, you never know..."

~I might have to live in a big city the rest of my life.  Not sure I'm okay with that.  Definitely don't think Shawn's okay with that.

~A lot of your success is based on luck and connections.

~I've never really followed styles--would that be a problem?  Probably.  Then again, I might follow style if my livelihood depended on it.

~I worry that most of the people I'd be around would be superficial.  I can't stand superficial people, and I don't believe that clothing drives the sway of life.

~I worry/know that the job wouldn't be as glamorous as I picture in my mind.

If you have any thoughts, please comment!

Life has been, er, unusual lately.  Between bouts of insidious boredom, I manage to manufacture enough drama for about 10 lives.  This is strange because I'm normally a drama-free person, even to the extent of avoiding it if at all possible.  I feel caught in this awkward stage, as if my whole life is holding its breath, waiting for some critical change.  Yet I'm not sure what I want to change, except that I'd love to feel more at peace with the world and my responses to it.  Not sure how to get there, though.  As ever, my obsessive mind gnaws on at topics that should have been put to rest months ago.  I feel not quite myself and know that I can change locations and hobbies and people and jobs, but I'm not convinced that doing any of those things would be anything more than a quick fix; a bandaid for a larger issue.  Then again, maybe it's all about the looming change that will come when I graduate.  Do you ever feel like you're just mechanically going through the motions, smiling and laughing and crying and doing everything on cue, but you know your heart's not in it?  Maybe that's the, ahem, "clinical" definition of senioritis!  

I just talked with another girl in my program, and she admitted having similar feelings.  It was a relief to hear that maybe I'm not going crazy, or at least not all on my own.  Maybe I will just have to learn to deal with the stress of this upcoming change positively by exercising regularly and talking to people about it rather than internalizing all of it until I have a meltdown.

Something positive in my life right now is my interest in possibly pursuing psychology.  In so many ways, as cliche as this may be, thinking about being someone's therapist one day makes me want to be a better person and live my life according to my own advice.  It often helps me more closely monitor  my thoughts and the way I relate to people.  It helps me be more gentle with myself, yet also analyze times when I'm being selfish, unkind, or unproductive.   While I'm in no way perfect, I can't wait to give to people one day.  I'd like to give more to people right now, but I'm not entirely sure how.  One thing I also love about psychology is that the vast majority of the psychology professors and friends in psychology I've had are such warm, nurturing people.  Definitely people I would want to be like.  I love the idea of my career helping me grow as a person.

I've had quite the social life lately, despite my previous complaints of boredom.  Friday night was one of my manager's birthdays.  I'd never really socialized with my coworkers other than at work meetings, so it was interesting to see everyone relaxed and drinking (we met at a posh bar).  And I totally told off this creepy guy saying disgusting things about my very young coworker (she didn't hear him).  It's all a bit fuzzy, but I think I told him he was going to find himself on the floor if he didn't leave her alone! The shocking thing is that he immediately backed down and went very far away from us.  Who knew I could be intimidating?!! 

Then yesterday my friend/neighbor invited Shawn and me over for tacos and a movie.  We brought Girl, Interrupted, one of my all time favorite movies.  If you haven't seen it, you haven't lived.  Find it and watch it asap, if only to drool over Winona Ryder (pictured above) for 2 hours.  : )  It's also the only movie I've seen Angelina Jolie look absolutely hideous.  Which is darkly fulfilling, hehe.

Later that night some friends and I went out to another fun bar here in town.  Goodness, I can't seem to escape the drinking!  I think it'll be health nights from now til next weekend.  Even though today I was already back to oogling the wine at Sam's Club (where, by the way, you can buy alcohol without a membership!).

On a bright note, my new friend Kevin makes some amazing music.  You all should check it out!  I hope he can make it big someday.  : )

from A Lifetime of Secrets by Frank Warren

"I'm starting to realize my indecisiveness is a far worse fate than making the wrong decision."

(this one, succinct statement perfectly sums up what has been fighting inside of me these past months.)

"I'm so scared that growing up means dying a little inside."

(me, too.  every day.)

"I wish that every human life might be pure transparent freedom."

 --Simone de Beauvoir

(it's the only way to live.  if only each of us could realize it starts with us, with one person.  a passion for this is why i want to work in a helping profession.)

The first day of the last semester of my bachelor's degree starts today.  FINALLY.  Surprisingly, I didn't feel an overwhelming sense of dread this time.  I want to just get it done and be finished with this degree I may not use.  Over the break, I've done a little research on potential careers and I'm finding myself interested in Clinical Psychology again.  Other potential interests are being an Anthropology professor or working in Human Resources.  However, Human Resources seems to lack "color" that the other two jobs possess.  Then again, HR could pay me the best with the least amount of education, and I don't really know what an HR person even does.  More research is required.

Anyway, wish me luck on my first day.  Hope you all have a lovely week!  :)

Happy New Year, everyone!

I admired Cara's list of things she did in 2008. I'd like to write a similar list, but it's hard to remember everything and especially verbalize it. I think so many of my blog friends are much better writers than I am. Some people are more verbal, but I'm a visual person. Pictures often express so much more about me than words, which is why I should try to develop this mode of expression more in myself.

I also want to thank all of you, my friends. I don't think I could have done 2008 without you.

Goals for 2009:

~Exercise regularly (30 minutes 3x/week). Lose the thighs. Work the abs. Take my vitamins.
~Get my adult life on a good track. (More later on this.)
~Take a roadtrip with wonderful friends. Document it with photographs and videos. (Anyone have a camcorder? haha)
~Go to Europe? Take that pilgrimage (El Camino de Santiago)?
~Try my hand at photography maybe, since I'm no good at regularly producing fine art.
~Write a poem now and then.
~Graduate May 2009, whooo!
~Get a big girl job.
~Figure out who I am a little more.
~Make the world a more beautiful place.
~Drink a little less.
~Be myself more. Be real with people. Be the girl men would give both their balls to be with, and not just 'cause she's hot.
~Keep my big mouth shut more.
~Be happy as much as possible and hopefully pass it on to others. : )

Okay, not gonna lie, I'm a bit bored.  I'm at that stage in the holidays where you mope around in your jammies til 2pm (if you ever change out of them), check your email & facebook, watch tv, go check email and facebook again, repeat...  

But sometimes it's nice to be bored.  To actually live life at an, er, livable pace.  I barely know what to do with myself when I'm not frantically scurrying to finish projects.

However, to fill my time, I've been researching cameras.  My dad got me a camera for Christmas.  I haven't told him this, and tell me if you think this is horrible, but I want to trade it in for an SLR digital camera.  You know, one with all the manual snooty photographer settings.  The one he got me was very nice and generous, but I've been wanting the SLR type for a long time and would love to take a beginning photography course and try my hand at it.  On the other hand, I wonder if this, too, is a phase that will pass and if I'll regret switching the light, nimble Canon Elph for a clunky one pounder.  But just imagine the pics I could take with that beast--I could blow them up and hang them on my wall and maybe even enter them in photography competitions.  That would be awesome.  So my geeking-out tendencies are reaching dangerously high levels, what with all the free time and beautiful technology we all know and lust after.

But the very best part of Christmas, of course, was not all the stuff.  My very favorite part was Shawn telling me what a special Christmas we had made it for him, how it was one of his best Christmases yet.  : )

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone!

Hope you all have a wonderful day and know you are deeply loved and appreciated.

I love the feeling of Christmas; this sense of giving and goodwill to all.  :)

I feel this sense of fullness, happiness, and content.  We have no holes but the ones we fabricate.  Life is worth living.  Deep connections with anyone are still possible and of utmost necessity.  It is misguided beliefs that separate us from others.  Those beliefs start in the mind and must also end in the mind.  This is what will cure society of all its ills and enable us, together, to move on.  We must no longer allow ideas to unnecessarily separate us from others.  When we see the deep goodness shining out of people everywhere, we are One.  We must attune our vision to this shining goodness by quieting our hearts and minds.  Love for all humankind is truly the answer.  

We have no more holes, no more brokenness, if we believe we are whole.

Songs that have "Rocked My World," lol : )

You know those songs that get stuck playing over and over on iTunes? The ones you feel like the sheer weight of life and the atmosphere will immediately crush you if you do not play this song at this very moment? These are my songs:

Beach Boys "God Only Knows"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BC_UILNwWrc

Blue October "Calling You" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsvoTkx1mQY
and "Hates Me"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOziJi-1hHE

Black Kids "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance"
http://www.myspace.com/blackkidsrock (#4)

Bright Eyes "Oh, You Are the Roots"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOziJi-1hHE

Damien Rice "Accidental Babies" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5SZShwyAPk
and "Blower's Daughter"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHPTHP4dihA

Death Cab for Cutie "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" (good video!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNIS0cuDOMw
and "I Will Possess Your Heart" (good video!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq-yP7mb8UE

Hinder "Better Than Me"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mr4VEbt4zSw

Howie Day "Collide (Acoustic Version)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTz7rhommHI

James Blunt "You're Beautiful"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Y7WDWP8WMs

Katy Perry "I Kissed A Girl" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAp9BKosZXs
and "Ur So Gay" (HILARIOUS video!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWbLkXhGEmo

Maroon 5 "She Will Be Loved" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8IQlax-egE
and "Goodnight Goodnight"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5aW0M_Ujmw

Oasis "Wonderwall"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7UnmoTK9bQ

Rascal Flatts "What Hurts the Most" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8iWEktQhg0
and "Fast Cars and Freedom" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDE-MMDCyeA
and "Then I Did"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uqzmj-ncEkc

Switchfoot "Stars
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_Fj7wbc3Zc

We were only seven.  You were a sandy-haired, dimple-faced boy who never lost his smile on that base in North Carolina.  I remember riding with your family to Tennessee, the two of us in the back seat of the minivan.  Your sister glared at us, crammed in the middle seat between suitcases, my mom, and an oversized stuffed bear.  I can't believe we subjected our families to solid hours of laughing, sticking our feet in each others' faces, you joking about taking a piss out the window.  Your dad's face turned red, and Mom swears she saw a little steam shoot out his ears.  

After you moved, the years have been silent between us, but I have wondered about you.  For years I kept that giant, white Michael Bear you gave me with the blue bow tie, until it got lost in a move, or worse, my dad threw it away.  I've always reminisced on what it would be like to meet you again.  Did you drop out of high school?  Become a rock star?  Graduate from Harvard Law School with honors?  Get married?  The absence of your story has intrigued me, haunted me almost.  I've never found anyone who can make me laugh like you did.  I wonder if it's still true.  I wonder where my Michael Bear is.

Britt waxes poetic on Amazon.com

I'm definitely writing Amazon.com book reviews instead of studying for finals.  : p

And may I state that this is only further evidence of my boundless and obsessive love for Amazon.com?  

I mean, Amazon.com would be the perfect guy.  Always available, day or night.  Always delivers precisely what you want.  Committed to your satisfaction.  No strings attached.  You want funny?  He's got it.  You want sympathy?  Got it.  Kinky?  Got that, too (although the downer is the 4-day wait, although even that can be diminished, for a price).  Quick, convenient, always reliable.  He loves you just as much in your jammies as in your finest formal wear.  He doesn't give a shit whether you wear your makeup.  I kind of want to marry Amazon.com.

This blog is a bit too entertaining.  Helicopter noises.  Oh god.  (It's around the third page of previous posts.  Be warned!  Things I never wanted to know about the private lives of men.  : p  )

One book that has made me positively laugh out loud on more than one occasion is Possible Side Effects by Augusten Burroughs.  You know, the guy who wrote Running with Scissors.  I totally want to be friends with him in real life.

Mostly I've been happy lately, trying to enjoy the simple pleasures in life and trying to stay sane amidst finals; a daunting task!  It helps having puppies that love to curl up and sleep in my lap.  : )

Totally puked last night at 3am.  I knew there's a reason why I never eat fungus!  : s  So, don't go and buy fungus just because you read glowing reviews about it on someone's blog.

One of my deaf ed. friends made me pretzel/hershey's kiss/m&m's today as a Christmas treat.  I'm embarrassed to say I've already eaten the whole baggie!  I usually don't eat anything all in one sitting--it is one of my HOLY RULES WHICH ALWAYS MUST BE OBEYED OR THOU SHALT BE SPANKED WITH A WET NOODLE; I don't know what came over me.  Stress makes a girl do weird things.  : s  

Shawn made dinner tonight and after we had finished eating the burritos, he informed me that the ground beef substitute was, in essence, a FUNGUS.  I don't know how something could look and taste that much like ground beef and be 85% fungus.

Lulu is getting spayed Tuesday the 23rd.  I feel really weird about it.  On some level, I feel like it is a waste and that there should be more little Lulus brightening people's lives.  And I worry how she'll hold up.  Chihuahua's don't always do so great with anesthesia.  But I know that spayed dogs generally live longer and healthier lives.  It is probably for the best.  But I feel so weird about it.  

And I really want cats.  Can someone get me a girl Siamese and a boy Maine Coon for Christmas?  If I'm not careful, I'll have a whole friggin' menagerie one day soon.  : )  Did I mention I'd love a parrot?

But life is not about getting all these things.  Although, I will admit I have an overwhelming drive to always improve my life.  Sometimes that energy can be good and brings about positive changes in my life.  But I wonder why I have this obsession with always changing things?  I partially blame Christianity for teaching that we always have to improve ourselves.  These days I strongly believe that people organically grow and change, but that it's unhealthy to think that you're broken or always need changing.  I like to think that what some people consider to be mistakes are really critical lessons along life's path.  Granted, sometimes we need to change.  If someone abuses alcohol or treats people poorly, they should probably work on changing.  But I think most people are generally good-hearted and are "perfect" in and of themselves.  We laugh and we cry and we fight and we sing; we're humanity.  Beautiful, painful, emotion-filled humanity.  There's nothing broken about being you.  

Awesome Poetry

I just discovered James Galvin today, and already I love him.  : )

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/19945

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/16572

Lovely poem by Margaret Atwood

Variation on the Word Sleep

Which side of your brain dominates?

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,2198 5,22556281-661,00.html

I'm right brain dominant, surprise, surprise!

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." ~Confucius

This quote is so empowering to me.  When in college, one often feels that she has so far to go.  Literally thousands of hours spent in white concrete boxes, wondering why you're here.  But it's good to remember there's a purpose behind all this and soon my cage door will be opened and I will be free.  

Looking back on that first step into college, I see that I'm such a different person than I was 4 1/2 years ago.  I'm not so timid, no longer religious, more in tune with myself, more easily able to express myself and my personality, better at making and being friends, infinitely happier.  Even though it has been a rough road with depression, sucky guys, no guys, disillusionment with religion and life, multiple changes in career paths, and pain from leaving dear friends, life has shown me many delights along the way as well.  I've made the most wonderful friends a girl could ask for, met a fabulous guy who has taught me so much, travelled exotic places, embraced my inner artist, let my hair down a little. And, deep inside, I know I'm such a stronger, happier, vibrant person because of it.  College has helped me find me, whoever that may be.