Confessions

Man, nobody's blogging anymore.  : (

Oh well, I guess you shouldn't do it for anyone but yourself.  Still, it's fun when people participate.  Then again, I can't really talk b/c I average about a post every week or two.

It's weird, I love stories, but I feel like I'm not very good at writing them.  I used to think I was a good writer until I was thrown into the bigger pond of college.  Then again, maybe if I did it regularly, I'd be better.  We're all our own worst critics.  Maybe I'll start writing a little bit every day (though probably not posting every day).  It would be a tragedy for the Girl Who Loved Stories' life to go undocumented.  I think everyone owes their children stories.  We need to know where we came from.  I wish I knew more about my parents when they weren't parents.  Do the stories really get that fuzzy through time?  Or does their very nearness, the way stories hang on the tips of our tongues, drive parents to hold them as secrets, because they're the last secrets they have from us?

The thing is, blogging doesn't fully capture all of my stories, because I often water them down since they're public.  

I've been noticing a need in my life for better self-care.  Particularly in terms of cooking/getting better meals for myself, exercising, relaxing, and being more organized.  All that feels a little overwhelming, though.  Organization makes me feel smothered and tied down.  Yet it is so helpful for basic, daily functioning.  Curse the artist in me.

Contemplating going to grad school feels REALLY overwhelming.  And I don't know if it's overwhelming because of the nature of the degree I may want to pursue (Clin. Psych. is super competitive), my lack of knowledge of it, or if it means I'm not cut out for it.  I wonder if it's overwhelming for me sometimes b/c I am so artistic/creative and it is so scientific and structured.  I don't know if I'd learn to live with and love the structure, and draw creative elements into that, or if it would stifle me.  In some ways, research really appeals to me despite its very scientific/structured nature because there are so many questions I want to answer about people.  And I wonder if I'd like that structure once I learn how to do it better.  I need to go shadow someone and ask them all these questions instead of writing them down on my blog.

I also feel a bit overwhelmed with school, mostly because if I never heard another thing about teaching, I'd be ecstatic.  Yet I feel the driving urge to excel b/c I need those grades to get into grad school.  On so many levels it would be appealing to take the easy road and just get whatever job after I graduate this May, but I don't know if I'd be truly happy with that plan.  I might be really disappointed later on.  

But life isn't bad these days, sometimes I just need to write all these things down.