This is my precious baby angel.  You just can't see the wings in this photo.  I've named her Ellie and she is 3 weeks old.  She is (we think) a lilac point Siamese and is the most amazing cat I have ever met in my entire life.  I am in love.  She gets to come home to me in 3 weeks.

Here are Ellie and her brothers.  I think she's the one my hand is touching.  She's so tiny!  I can't wait to see her again.

I've never felt so happy about a cat, but I just knew she is who I want to live with me.  I'm a complete sucker for her already, and she just opened her eyes!  

I hope she bonds with me and loves me as much as I love her.  I hope I can give her everything she ever needs.  She is the most wonderful, fabulous, fantastic, perfect cat ever.  

: )

Warm Fuzzies

I had the time of my life last night. I danced the night away. And not only did I dance the night away, but I got my friend E who was in town to dance with me, and he ended up having a blast! One of my favorite things in life is encouraging people to enjoy themselves to the fullest even if it means pushing the edge of comfortable. Many people don't feel comfortable dancing in public, but when you just let loose and allow yourself to have fun and not worry about anyone else around you, you end up having the most amazing time. It's funny, because six months ago I would have been the wallflower, but lately I've felt myself opening up and it's fabulous.

Yesterday afternoon I thought I would go see the little Siamese kitty I'm thinking about getting, but it fell through. I really hope tomorrow will work out. I feel like having a pet in my life would be really healthy for me right now--something to make me slow down a bit and appreciate the little things. There is just something about animals that makes a part of my heart open up that nobody else can warm. I really hope that when I meet this kitty for the first time she just feels like a good choice and a good fit into my life. Sometimes animals are the best to hold. If things go well, I'll probably post pictures! She would be ready to come home in about 3 weeks. I really hope it works out. I guess it can if I really want it to, but knowing exactly what you want is sometimes the hard part. Maybe I make life too confusing. Maybe life is simpler than we all make it out to be a lot of the time. But I'd really love a sweet little kitty to sit in my lap (and maybe even chase around) every day. : )

I'm feeling better.  Thanks for all the supportive comments.  Life really is so crazy right now, though.  It's kind of sad when you look forward for weekdays so things will calm down a touch, when normal weekday life is calmer than weekends.  But I think this may soon change.  Not to be cryptic, but you know how it goes about posting tons of info. about one's job online...

In other news, I'm still wanting something small and warm and fuzzy, and I hear that Siamese cats maybe aren't quite as bad for allergies.  Also, oddly enough, female cats don't produce quite as many allergens as male cats!  How strange!  So I'm looking for my baby girl.  I've already found a lady who has 1 week old Siamese kittens.  The mom is a lilac point and the dad is a seal point.  I would love it if the little girl is a lilac point--they're so ethereal and lovely. 

Lilac Point Siamese

Seal Point Siamese

*Note:  The video and pictures are not the actual cats I'm looking at.

Other Greatly Anticipated Activities to Do Once I Regain My Life:

10. Get a fantastic, furry, lovely pet of some kind.

11. Make all the post secrets I've been collecting for weeks and send them.

12. Spread out a blanket on the ground at a park with a dear friend, lay looking up at the clouds moving for hours, and talk about life and all its secrets.

13. Sing.

It is hard working so much.  I want a day to seriously just lay on my bed, lights off and windows drawn, to just think and be still and not worry about anything.  Before that I would wake up in the early morning, walk through my neighborhood in the dawn looking at all the lovely little houses.  I'm weird.

I just feel so stressed.  And I know this will only last a few weeks, and I could just say the word and end it, but I don't know what I want.  This is a significant problem in my life at the moment--no knowing what I want.

There was an interesting article that has you answer a bunch of questions to assess what is important to you, potentially for careers.  Here's my self-portrait in 4 questions:

*What do you believe in most?  Actions speaking louder than words.  Caring.  Helping.  Compassion.  Big-heartedness.  There is still good in the world.  Love.

*What do you most value?  People, especially those who show me they care.  Genuineness.  Love.  Compassion.  Free time.  Art--having my surroundings be aesthetically pleasing.

*I can do the following well:  Show others I care.  Speak Spanish and sign language.  Be responsible.

*For a good life, I feel I need:  The love of my life.  (Yes, I said it.  Please don't think less of me that I do need someone.  I think we all need people.  Maybe need is a strong word, but I think I'd be much, much happier with my love by my side.)  Free time to do my hobbies.  A good job (one that's decently good to come to work to every day and that won't leave me worrying about what the heck I'll do if my car breaks down.  A cute little place to live that I've decorated myself and which houses several wonderful animals.  A nice location to live in.  Giving of myself to others.  Art.  

Tonight I don't feel like a very cool person.  I just feel stressed and a little upset with myself that when I'm busy like this I feel the need to put my life on hold in certain ways.  I know it will get better, but tonight is just a little rough.  I'm heading to bed.

Much-Anticipated Activities and Goals for When I Have A Life Again (In 2 Weeks?!!):

1. Lay out at the pool as much as possible.

2. Work on becoming closer friends with people.  (Be a better friend.  Sometimes people really aren't lying when they say they're busy--sometimes they're so busy that they have little to offer and they're doing all they can just to get by.)

3. Clean my room (!!!!).  (If you tried to enter my closet at this point, we'd probably never see you again...)

4. Research career options and develop a plan (maybe).

5. Read up on Buddhism and attend meditation sessions again.  Take a meditation retreat?

6. Exercise regularly, perhaps in the cool of the morning.

7. Disappear off to the beach for a much-needed vacation.  Anyone want to come with?

8. Dream of my dream house and life and start making it more of a reality by sketching and documenting it.  You know how your stomach aches in a good way because thinking about something makes you so happy?  I want to think of those things more.

9. Break out the sewing machine, design, and make some awesome clothes!

Working with kids is teaching me so much about life, myself, and people.  

They've taught me to be assertive when I need to be.  Sometimes you really need to be the boss in certain situations.  You have to be to survive.

They've taught me not to care too much about what people think.  Try as I might to prevent this, there will be days when the kids are furious with me, upset, cranky, etc.  I've gotten to the point where I don't really care.  Of course I want them to be happy, but I don't take it personally when they take out their anger/crankiness on me.  I know it's bound to happen.  This makes me think I should go easier on adults, too, and not take things adults do so personally.

Kids have taught me that even a bad day has lots of good in it, and vice versa.  There are always highlights to even the worst day.  You have to focus on the highlights to stave off disenchantment at the least and at the worst, depression.  This is so true of life, yet perhaps the highlights aren't always as clear as they are in a classroom.

I've learned that I probably don't want to work with kids again.  I think I might prefer the older crowd more.  While I would consider my work right now a generally positive experience, I'm seriously wondering whether I want to sign up to do it again.  I think that if you have to ask yourself the question of whether or not you should be working with kids, if you have to think about it for any length of time, the answer is probably no.  I have to think about it a lot.  Where does that lead me?  Maybe to grad school for Spanish or Fashion Design school or something else to do with Deaf Education or some office job I don't know I'm in love with yet.  I guess I'm still trying to figure out whether or not I love teaching or if something else is better for me.

Sometimes it is a complete surprise where life leads us.

I will officially be working 3 jobs in the following week.  

I am beyond stressed.  I am beyond busy.  I have a feeble-at-best social life, yet I'm happy most of the time these days.  There is something magic about being busy.  I will admit, however, that I absolutely cannot wait for the 4th of July weekend.  TWO UNADULTERATED DAYS OF RELAXATION.(!!!!)

I dream sometimes of being a beautiful bride, but know that day will not come for a long, long time.  And I groan that we as women build up this one day our whole lives, build up that tower so high that nobody and nothing could ever reach our expectations locked up at the very top.

Lately, the idea of buying a house has persisted in remaining inside my brain.  It is not the right time to buy a house.  I do not have enough of an income to buy a house.  Yet the nesting urge is striking fast and furious, and I have an overwhelming desire to decorate and call a place my very own.  Sigh.  But I guess there's nothing wrong, either, with having things to look forward to achieving.  As satisfying as immediate gratification is.

Today I would like to eventually get my Ph.D. in Spanish, with some kind of Latin American studies emphasis.  And maybe an Anthropological twist.  And other days I want to break into the Fashion Design industry.  And even other days I think maybe Deaf Ed. isn't so bad.  Spanish is standing out the most right now, though.  

Did I ever mention how much teachers have to work their asses off?!!!!  I think every kid when they start to reach that ornery, give-teachers-crap phase, should have to plan a full day of class and teach it.  We would revolutionize America in this manner.

I love how I'm learning to enjoy life even when it's confusing and I don't have all the answers.

P.S.  It is a sad existence at my age to have children's toys scattered throughout the back of my car and to go to bed religiously at 9pm.  But I'm happy, mostly.

A lot has been going on lately.  I keep trying to post stuff, but then get shy and keep it only as a draft.  

Work is tough.  It is a lot more work than I thought.  If anything, I feel like I have strided light years in terms of assertiveness (which had been lacking lately).  Email/msg/call me if you want to know more as there is a lot to tell that I really shouldn't post online.  

I am exhausted daily, but yet it kind of feels good to be busy.  I think I'm generally happier when I'm busy.  Aside from working, I've managed to fit in a float trip, a lake trip, and a job interview (for when this job finishes next month).  

Haven't seen many posts from you all, either.  Please catch me up on your lives!   

I want this puppy soooooo bad....

Since I found out I'm allergic to cats, I've pretty much nixed that idea and have had puppies on the brain.  It's strange, even before I knew I was allergic to cats, I kept having these recurring longings to get a puppy.  Maybe it's a sign that I'm a dog lover at heart.  Or just a novice at cats--I've never owned one, and it is a bit daunting to think of getting one, not knowing what to expect.

But this precious puppy is a tiny Chihuahua.  I think she's about 6 weeks old in this pic.  I'm seriously contemplating the idea of getting a puppy.  I like the Chihuahuas because they're so small you can take them a lot of places that normally wouldn't let you have a dog.  Like the mall.  Yes, I want to be that girl.  But I'm still trying to figure out if I will have enough time to devote to someone who fully depends on me.  I remember when my ex-roommate got a puppy last year and how stressful it was.  Not sure I'm ready to sign up for that.  Ideally, I think I would live in my own place if I got a pet, but that probably won't happen for at least a year.  But, then again, none of life will be the best case scenario, and sometimes you just have to do what will make you happy with what you have and see what happens.  Not that I'm advocating being irresponsible and getting a pet you can't care for, but I have truly researched the dog I think would be best for my current circumstances.

Wow, I have so much more to post on that is completely canine unrelated, but it shall have to wait.

The Cat Saga Comes to an Abrupt End (I Think)

Today I went and saw someone's kittens--they were actually the babies of a stray that lives near her house. After I played with them, I noticed my face got really itchy.  But yesterday at the pound where there are thousands of them I noticed that my eyes got itchy. It seems like this happens especially with longhaired cats. When I held the beautiful black cat yesterday I noticed that she shedded a lot and some of her hair got on my face and clothes. My eyes were itchy for most of the rest of the day. : / So I don't know if I'm truly allergic to cats, or allergic to tons of cats, if the allergy would get worse if I owned a cat or if being around a cat more often would get me more "used to" it.  Even though I hate this, I'm thinking maybe a puppy is better for me than kitties. Bummer! On a positive note, maybe I can find a tiny little dog and pretend it's a cat and train it to go inside on a wee-wee pad so it's lower maintenance. Gosh, I'm still not completely convinced that I don't want a cat, but since I'm feeling hesitant combined with probable allergies--maybe I should wait.  I don't want my mild reaction to morph me into a puffed out marshmallow face someday.  : /