Do We Paint for Process or Product?

This question haunts me today.  I started reading the book "Life, Paint, and Passion:  Reclaiming the Magic of Spontaneous Expression" (by Michele Cassou and Stewart Cubley) today.  I'm also reading "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron.  "The Artist's Way" deals with unblocking one's creativity--a 12 week recovery program to reclaim your creative self.  Both books are fantastic.  In fact, Julia's book made me start wondering yet again if I'd like to go to art school and maybe be an art professor.  But "Life, Paint, and Passion" warns of basing too much emphasis on what others and even oneself think of one's work.  The reader is encouraged to paint spontaneously and intuitively, with no adherence to technique.  If blue feels right, you paint it.  Everyone knows how to paint anything, and if they don't, they invent it, just as children do.  This idea deeply resonates with a wild, bohemian aspect of myself.  To not be tied to society or people or what anyone thinks sounds incredible yet maybe impossible.  And when I was doing art for product rather than for joy of the process, I did get discouraged and burnt out.  

Yet in "The Artist's Way," Julia warns about doing too much too soon, as that is a surefire way to burn yourself out (lesson acknowledged!).  

I wonder if, as with many things in life, the middle road is the most balanced way.  On the one hand, I agree with "Life, Paint, and Passion" that if you've lost the ability to create without borders what is deeply meaningful to you, you've lost everything.  Maybe it isn't really even art

if it doesn't mean something to the artist (what do you think?).  But I don't think it's necessary to completely throw out technique.  Different techniques can only add to the ways you can express yourself through painting.  Sometimes you may feel like painting a raw emotion simply for the pleasure of the process of painting.  But sometimes you also want to accurately document the sweet line of your lover's chin against the moon or the way a tree branch melts into the sky.  

What do you think?  This raises so many questions in my mind.  It would be fascinating to hear what you have to say.  Does one paint for process or product?  

Tonight I painted and it was lovely.  Feeling the brush strokes is enough.  During a painting, I am always anxious that it will turn out horrible.  But when I finish them, I am almost always beyond delighted.  Each and every one of them is a part of me, and something deep is satisfied.  

Perhaps tomorrow I'll post pics of my painting and of a drawing I created of a potential tattoo!

Unglued

Do you ever get the overwhelming urge to change everything about yourself?  To move to Paris and become a photojournalist for a humanitarian newspaper.  Or go to India and complete a year long hobo/spiritual journey around the world.  

To go anywhere but here, a college student dressed in red, doing mindless homework she cares nothing about, dreaming up far-fetched schemes; perhaps to escape the mundane.  Because she's not happy when she's not dreaming.  And she wonders if she'll ever overcome the anxiety that makes her imagination come unglued from her body and float far, far away.  

And her only real wish for Christmas is for a life she doesn't want to change.

I wonder if this isn't what we all desperately wish for?

Funny story--apparently I'm George W. Bush's 9th cousin!  Not sure how to handle that information.  : p  I think I'd prefer to be Obama's 9th cousin.

What should I be when I grow up?

Okay, please excuse my freak-out rant.  

I feel really overwhelmed.  I feel like I need to decide today.  A lot of grad school deadlines are only 2 weeks away, and I'm at the edge of the acceptable time to ask professors to write letters of recommendation.  And I'm not sure what I want to apply for grad school in, if I should get a masters or just take leveling classes before a doctorate, when to apply, aaaaagh!  My head feels like it's about to explode!!!!  Do I do leveling courses first and then apply a year later?  And if I have to apply next fall, will I even have enough leveling classes and research experience to get accepted to the programs I really want to be in?  I also keep vacillating between things I'd like to do.  For instance, I came downstairs to research grad school for clinical psychology, but then I started thinking about Ph.D.s in anthropology, but I feel so unsure about whether I'd actually like those jobs because I've never experienced them.  And will I get to experience them before it's too late?  Like with Deaf Ed, I never worked with Deaf kids til my SENIOR YEAR, and was practically finished with the program before I realized I didn't want to do it anymore.  AAAAGH!

Edit:  Phew, I'm feeling much better now.  Still stressed a bit, but my parents and I talked and decided it would probably be the best plan to take leveling classes next fall and see what I like the best.  Then I can have more time to prepare, and not feel like I'm launching into this vast unknown.  But this time of life can be so exciting and so stressful.  I hope I can downplay the stress and mostly just enjoy uncertainties more than worry over them.

Newest career idea:  clinical psychology.  The whole Ph.D. thing is a bit daunting, but it sounds like a really neat career from what I've read and been told (thanks, Kelly!).  This is still very much in the thinking process, but we'll see what happens.  I would pick the most competitive area of psychology to be interested in, haha.

Art from:  www.art-mind-soul.com/ 003-Yin-Yang.enlarge.html .

Thanks for all the sweet comments on the last post.  I think I was just having one of those weeks where I felt like the world was a bit harsher than usual.  Sometimes I do expect too much from people, too.  I haven't been the best about calling people lately.  Except sometimes people retreat just to see if anyone notices, maybe that's what I was trying to do.  Sometimes a girl just needs to know that people still love her!  : )

Positive news, and I feel like a little girl saying this, but I'm going to start horseback riding lessons next week!  I'm super excited.  I rode off and on as a kid and then as a young teenager, but after a riding accident, I was spooked.  But lately I find myself looking longingly at photos of horses or at horses I see along the road.  So it's official, yay!  I've even run across an old acquaintance who has offered to let me ride her horses with her to help exercise them.  How fun!  I hope so much that it works out.  The photo above is of an Akhal-Teke, my favorite breed of horse at the moment (although I haven't yet ridden one).  Even though this photo doesn't show it, these horses are known for their particularly brilliantly sheeny coats.  They're also thinner than a lot of horses and rival Arabians in their stamina.  They are so beautiful and delicate.  It's funny, when I was looking through one of my old horse books, the Akhal-Teke just called to me.  It was stunning.  When I looked it up online, I found that the person who runs the national breed website lives out here in the middle of nowhere, just two hours away!  I couldn't believe it!  It almost seems like it was fate or something.  Maybe I'll venture out to their farm sometime.  When I was a girl, I always wanted to own a horse.  I still hope someday I can!  

Sometimes I feel like pulling away because I feel like people don't care as much or put as much in as I do.  I know I don't see everything others do, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I want to be a friend who gives people the benefit of the doubt; I would hope to receive the same from a friend, but it's so hard sometimes.

I've been upset about this for so long.

Learning to Stay

While reading a book (by Debra Lynne Katz) today, I realized how often I back away when something even hints at becoming uncomfortable.  I think one of the reasons I barely dated for most of high school and the first part of college was that I immediately saw imperfections in people and translated them as being an uncomfortable situation (I was afraid I would have to break it off, so I just never started it).  But often in life we must go through uncomfortable moments to achieve our ultimate goals.  We have to be the new one in the club or launch out and try something new or simply go through the discomfort of staying with something during the rough parts (relationships, hobbies, spirituality, etc.).  The beauty of a spiritual practice like meditation or visualization is that it teaches you to keep returning to it and to stay, even if it brings up unpleasant feelings.  We must work through these unpleasant times in order to become stronger, indeed, to become our best selves.  What if we faced life knowing that uncomfortable situations will arise, but resolved ourselves to take the bull by the horns and stay with it rather than fleeing?  Imagine what our lives might be like!  Of course, there is a difference between discomfort and knowing a situation should not be part of one's life (this could be a whole post in itself).  But staying instead of leaving when things make you uncomfortable and discovering why this discomfort arises and how it can be resolved, I can see this making us stronger, more self-aware people.

Here's something sweet (thanks, Amy):  

Saint Theresa's Prayer  

May today there be peace within.  

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.  

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.  

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.  

May you be confident knowing you are a child of God. 

Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.  

It is there for each and every one of us.

i like traveling,

and the scent of cinnamon,

bending over out of my way to smell a rose.

i like coffee sparingly

and staring out of windows

while sitting in window seats.

i love sitting on the front porch

watching the rain

smiles that truly mean someone’s happy.

i like a soft wind,

someone playing with my hair,

sweet, little kisses,

and long, passionate ones.

i like New York City’s lights and sounds

and Costa Rica’s lazy mango diesel smell,

hiking through the rainforest,

watching sea turtles lay their eggs at midnight

singing Spanish songs

and laying in hammocks

sipping berry milkshakes.

i love dreaming

i am a biologist in the rainforest

or a world class fashion designer.

i like helping people

and touching their hearts.

i love old photos

and editing pictures i’ve taken, just for art’s sake

i love the idea that i’m a painter

or a writer deep down.

i love looking up at the sky

late at night

or in the middle of the blue day.

i love books about the olden days

when courting was simpler

and people rode around in horse and buggies.

i love people

who call shopping carts buggies.

i’m fascinated with New Age

and alternative religions,

any form of mysticism.

some days i feel i want to be

a solitary hermit, content with the stillness of the mind,

satisfied to fully live the spiritual path.

somedays i just want someone special

who makes me

laugh and laugh and laugh,

i just want to laugh with him.

i love my puppy

and looking at wedding rings

and dresses,

i love sleeping in

and waking up to the rain.

i love the ocean,

walking on the beach,

dreaming of scuba diving,

seeing wonders up close.

i love books; reading and holding and buying them,

i love the smell of bookstores,

i love giving.

i love writing postcards

and heartfelt notes,

the color blue

and the thought that we are all pieces of God,

that this is why the earth doesn’t feel like our home.

i love the idea that we are born again and again,

each time we live we learn something new.

i love meditating for the good of all.

i love the One.

i love singing

and songs that mean something to me,

the lyrics are just right.

i love soft, quiet nights

and kind eyes,

costume parties

and the subtle disguise of budding love.

i love watching kids and dogs

playing in the snow,

remembering grandpa

and the sacred decorations of my grandma’s house.

i love my blonde hair,

and the way i want to dye it black,

love Ott’s Pasta,

Tea Bar & Bites,

and long, beaded necklaces.

i love simple decor,

pictures in houses,

old, funky tablecloths,

abstract art photos,

the color black.

i love color

and scaring people

and Halloween.

i love the feeling of Christmas,

like the world is the way it’s meant to be.

Presence 

for Grandma Pat and Daniel, in memory

Lingering, those that have passed,

like a whisper on the breeze

or a glimpse from the corner

of my eye;

a twinkle,

a sigh,

they must be passing by.

A smile,

tears,

a kiss:

there must be more than this.

Softest sounds,

a smell;

a bluebird floating

in the sky.

Is it their spirits

or sweet memories 

that never die?

Souls never die,

souls never die.

Revolutionary Road looks incredible:

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809883886/trailer

An article about it:

http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20219322,00.html

I don't want the "American Dream" either.  White picket fence?  No, thanks.

"Moon River"

Somehow there's no song that quite captures the idea of soulmates like this one.

Another song that breathtakingly portrays soulmates:

"I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie

Sometimes I wonder if there's any magic left in the world.

Those fairytales have to be true for someone.  

Do we have to believe in them first to make them come to life?

On another note, it's magical that Martha is alive, and in pretty good shape.  

I think I believe in angels.  She must have a beast of a guardian angel.  I'm so glad she's alright!

 "Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it you can make it so." -Belva Davis (thanks, Becky from facebook)

"The Cab Ride I'll Never Forget"

http://www.zenmoments.org/the-cab-ride-ill-never-forget/

thanks, dooce

"A Victim Treats His Mugger Right"

http://www.zenmoments.org/victim-treats-mugger-right/

If you haven't checked it out before, you must immediately go to this site.  It will, in middle school vernacular, "rock your world."

http://www.cassettefrommyex.com/

Songs, in my book, are some of the most romantic things you can ever give to someone.

Happy Things:

~puppies

~finding good songs

~dreams

~singing along to Jewel

~homemade vanilla ice cream (I don't care what you say, the best homemade is always vanilla!)

~spending time with Shawn

~traveling

~reading books about exciting interests

~discovering fun new hobbies and interests

~creativity

~watching That 70's Show

Sad Things:

~not having dreams; feeling adrift

~job situation looking bleak, although it is only September

~the economy

~not laughing enough and not knowing what to do about it

~feeling like there are so many obstacles to something you desperately want to pursue

~5 tests in 2 weeks

I'm glad I can think of more happy than sad things.  Why do I let the sad things bog me down so much?  But I think there's truth to the saying that thinking of 5 things to be happy about before you go to bed does wonders.

An oldie but a goodie

"You were meant for me" by Jewel

Jewel causes me to wish I was a singer/songwriter/guitarist. So beautiful.

I've been completely obsessed with this song lately.  

It is "I will possess your heart" by Death Cab for Cutie.  

If you get tired of all the music in the beginning, 

drag the little bobble approximately to the middle--that's 

where the singing begins.

My friend also sent me this song ("Dust" by Royworld):

...and promptly admonished me to 'never live your life on a shelf.'  

I feel like I don't live life on a shelf. I live my life very deliberately 

and thoughtfully. I try to live with intent rather than by default. I pursue

the things I love and try to minimize the things I don't. I travel to the 

places of my wildest dreams and try to love people with all I have to give. I 

try to be a good, no, great person. I realize mistakes are part of the 

learning process and don't believe people are broken. I grow and I 

learn every day.

Do you think I live life on a shelf? What about you?