Stained glass windows spattered with blood and love

I was horrified when I read this article about a shooting at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville, TN. 

When reading most news articles about savage violence, I often leave the article depressed about 'how our world's going to pot' and how there are so few good people left and yadah yadah yadah.

But as I read this article by the Associated Press, I couldn't help but observe the profound love that could not be hidden, even by unthinkable cruelty. A deacon actually stood in front of bullets and died so other people didn't have to die. A husband/father made sure his family was safe and then threw himself back into the possibility of harm so he could pin down the gunman. The gunman was not even injured--the congregation simply pinned him down, removed the gun, and waited for help to arrive.

But what we often fail to remember with acts of violence, or even ignorance or anger, is that these actions bear witness to a void of love. People who exhibit these behaviors often have lived loveless lives for years, and so they turn to inflict evil upon the very thing they need and crave the most.

This is why we must never give up on loving--why love should always be our greatest guide. Life devoid of love is pain, worthlessness, hollow, alone. Whatever our religion, thought, lifestyle, and creed, let us strive to be people who make every effort to keep acts like this from happening, who apply love in early and late stages of need to a world that is so clearly desperate for any kind of loving gesture and touch.

So, assuming the universe doesn't conspire against me again, I will be getting a pet:


She is an 8 week old black & tan Chihuahua and her name is Lulu. Kelly, I know I told you I was getting a blue & tan one, but I decided on Lulu because she had just the sweetest personality. I couldn't let her go to someone else. Fingers crossed that she's exactly what I'm looking for: a people-oriented dog who wants to cuddle all the time and sit in my lap or be in my arms incessantly. She's the sweetest baby EVER. I can't wait to bring her home Friday!

i feel lonely today.

i feel like a bit of a snob. the new hairstylist i tried for the first time today reminded me of it. i said something about how the place where she got her tattoos is supposed to be the best place in town. she said she thinks all artists are great. i guess deep down i think all artists are great in their own way, too. i may not enjoy or be profoundly moved by their work, but i greatly respect anyone who uses their creativity (ethically). expressing your art is truly a gift you give to all the world.

i need to be more humble. i realize this is a healthy, vital characteristic in life. how do you become more humble? sign up to serve people somehow?

i think sometimes i get snobby when i feel insecure. she made me feel a bit insecure: she was so loud and THERE IN MY FACE. that kind of personality. but i like how she cut my hair (although i feel bad about not going to my friend who cuts hair, but i just needed something different), and maybe i can learn something from the bohemian girl with gold bangles and tattoos all up one arm.

Fashion Design Dreams

It's kind of wild, but I keep having these ideas of designs dance through my head. I've kind of stopped trying to sketch them all out, although I really should document them.

For a while I steered away from the option of a career in something like fashion design (or advertising or sales or...) because I thought that it was a bit superficial and knew I wanted a career in which I directly helped people every day. This still resonates as true at some level, but I see also how I could be really cut out for a career in fashion design or another related field:

~I love merging creativity with function (I love using my creativity, period!)
~I like being my own boss
~I don't like bringing work home with me but am happy to work overtime at the studio (I don't know if you do or don't bring work home with fashion design)
~I have all these designs floating through my mind and can even create ones with prompts (like using a specific fabric or for a particular purpose)
~I love my job at a fashion retail store
~When I walk through the mall, I will think of ways I could make clothes and purses and shoes and etc. better. Then I wonder why I don't
~I feel like if my heart was really in it, I could achieve whatever I wanted
~Fashion design is more "friendly" to me. It is easy and natural for me to sketch out design ideas and I actually do it, but the thought of picking up a paint brush makes me freeze in fear
~The idea of moving to a fashion mecca like NYC, Paris, or Milan is really exciting and doable for me
~And I've gotten some really great affirmations from people. Several good friends say they could see it really fitting. My roommate hung out with some fashion design students and said that she thought I was a lot like them

People have always said I have my own particular style, and a lot of people complement me about my wardrobe choices. I'm not saying these things to brag, but simply to try to piece together reasons why it would be a great fit for a career.

My 4-year plan looks like this:

Year 1: Take classes in sewing and maybe an Intro to Fashion Design course. Begin work on kick-ass portfolio. Graduate from college.
Year 2: Find a job (perhaps fashion or retail related) and work for a year until Shawn graduates. Maybe take more sewing and design classes. Finish and tweak kick-ass portfolio.
Year 3: Get into a prominent fashion design school like Parsons or FIT and move to NYC.
Year 4: Using my fabulous contacts made at fashion school, land a ridiculously amazing and enjoyable job.

La Moda

Today I really want to become a fashion designer. I'm excited to sign up for sewing classes to better show me if I'm truly into it. I've done sewing before in a fashion design class in high school and loved it. The only thing that frustrated me is that I didn't have the skills to use boundless creativity in my projects. I think I'll maybe get my feet wet with a sewing class this semester and see what happens. I would need to buid up a portfolio and all that jazz if I'm going to apply for schools. Fashion design would be a great way to express my artistic soul and creativity. For some reason, fashion design is far less imposing to me than painting. Already I've designed about 8 different dresses and a purse on paper. Once I get the skills I'd love to make and revamp some fabulous clothes! They have this awesome book at Barnes & Noble about how to spice up thrift store finds. That would be so much fun! Maybe I'll try my hand at it this summer.

I know I jump around from career to career a lot, but I believe this would be a perfect blend of art and practicality. I believe I would have what it takes to go as far as I wanted to into the field, and I love the idea of traveling and working with all kinds of fascinating people. It's fun to dream big and even more fun to achieve your goals!

What do you think about fashion design for me as a career?

No kittens allowed in the house. I definitely cried. Bummer.

Things are going fine. Even though I'm working 2 jobs, they aren't giving me many hours and I've been a bit bored lately. But that will be good once school begins because then I won't feel too overwhelmed. I've been finding that I really like the working life and being busy. I think keeping busy for the most part keeps me happy. But it's also nice to just sprawl out and relax and read and stuff.

I made a new friend recently. He's a bit of a perv, but yet a very outgoing, self-involved, fun perv. I don't know what to think about having introduced him to my closest friends. I guess they have to make their own decisions, though, and so far they're doing a good job with this one. We had tons of fun at his house the other night (don't worry, Shawn came, too).

At my wine job I met this guy that looked familiar. As it turns out, he is also the brother of this guy I went to high school with and an old, old family friend of Shawn and his family! Since the guy, B, works where we work, Shawn talked with him for a long time the other day and didn't even realize that B was B and vice versa. B is a super fun, cool guy, so hopefully he'll be able to hang out with us soon. As a side note, I'm trying especially hard lately to be friendly and make new friends since a lot of my close ones have graduated and are moving.

I've been housesitting lately. It's fun to live other people's lives for just a bit. I love imagining what my life will look like in a few years. Strangely enough, I could see it looking fairly similar to these people's lives. Even Shawn mentioned that, that he could see us being like them. I'm not quite sure what he meant by that.

Still can't decide on 1 cat vs. 2. Since the precious little boy one fell through, I had thought maybe just one, but there's part of me that doesn't want my sweet little girl to live alone all the time when I'm not there. But I also worry about my life not being the most stable right now, and would I be able to move 2 cats overseas?, and do most places rent to people with 2 cats, & etc...

I'm also reading some very interesting books, but you'd probably think I'm a nut job if I told you what they are, haha. Let's just say they deal with a lot of New Agey concepts. Which brings me to ask, what do you think when you think of 'New Age?' I'd been conditioned all my life to think 'weird' and think of energy 'stuff', but it seems like there are so many things that fall under the New Age umbrella. I'm not sure what people mean when they say 'New Age.' Now, having read a bit more about it, I think of paranormal phenomenon, altered states of consciousness, psychic phenomena, reincarnation, astral projection and out-of-body experiences, energy work, crystals, and the list goes on. I guess I should just look it up on wikipedia, but it's interesting to read what people think who know varying amounts of information about New Age, or anything, really.

Final Kitty Update:

Unfortunately the other lady wants the two brown kittens (including the one I wanted). I am really disappointed, but I'm sure there's another kitty out there who will need a good home and will be just as sweet. There's a black and white one in the litter that is unclaimed, so I'm waiting on pics of him. In the past I've just really loved the brown tabby markings on the Maine Coons, but maybe I'll love this b & w kitty just as much or more, we'll see. Yesterday was just an emotional day--probably not the best day to get news like that, but oh well. I guess you just have to stay positive.

Emo Post of the Month:  Beware

I feel raw.  I'm experiencing confusing emotions so strongly and I don't know what to make of it.  It's not PMS, either.  I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel like I'm living in a constant state of nervous, nagging energy that won't go away.  I feel lost, with no plan that appeals for the future concerning so many areas.  I'm naturally a decision-maker and like to have goals I can work toward, but everything I think of lacks appeal.  Decision deadlines are rapidly approaching and I have no direction.  I feel like a beautiful bird with her wing feathers plucked.  I feel that it's so hard to be the person I want to be.  I think you could do much better than me.  Yet I also feel like I shouldn't have to bend my will to suit you.  I'm beautiful and wonderful and fabulous the way I am and you should appreciate it; love me for who I am.    

I wish I could make all this better, but I don't know how.  It's such a bad way to feel--knowing something needs fixing but you don't know what or how.  I feel like I'm in a meaningless, cruel, teasing maze with no way out.

Update on (hopefully) baby #2:

Heard from the foster lady.  Apparently another lady called before me, but there is a litter of 3 Maine Coon mixes:  2 brown tabbies and a black and white.  The lady wants to adopt the 2 brown tabbies.  But I'm hoping that the foster lady can convince the adopting lady to adopt the other brown tabby (a female) and the black and white.  Oh, I don't know why, but I'm just in love with this kitty.  This is very unlike me to fall in love with only a picture, but I just have a very good feeling about baby #2.  I feel a bit spoiled and juvenile insisting on this kitty, but you want what you want. Please wish me luck and send kind thoughts our way!  I think it would be so cute to have a little boy and girl, too.  God, please let "us" work out!

Keep your fingers crossed that this little guy can be baby #2:

I've tried contacting the people who have him to no avail.  I don't even know if someone else has already claimed him.  Today at Petsmart I almost made a tag for him when I made one for Ellie, just to make me believe a little more that it could happen.  I'm completely and wholly in love with both!

What do you think, one cat or two?  Feel free to leave lengthy advice.

I love spending cloudy mornings reading in bed.  : )

ONE MORE DAY UNTIL HEAVEN.

Heaven, aka, THE CHILDLESS ZONE.  

Today was one of those days where it was all I could do to keep from screaming at someone.  For this reason, I seriously wonder whether children of my own are ever in the future.

Today is a day to dream of happy thoughts, like my whitewashed house on a cliff overlooking the sea.  It would be full of beautiful, strange, and exotic things.  I want everything in my house to have some kind of significance.  I don't want to fill it up with useless clutter (it's already starting to get that way). It might have a cat or two running around.  A lovely garden would be planted around it.  All I need to figure out is where I could get this out without paying a million for it.

Dooce posted a great video of the band MGMT's song "Time to Pretend."  While the song glorifies the fast life, it resonates with me.  The singers ask you to not judge them for the fact that they've decided to live fast and die young.  While I definitely don't want to die young, I agree that there is more to life than living in an office cubicle, and each person has to find meaning in their life.  I want to be different than everyone else.  I feel like I already am, but as I'm at a stage where I am creating significant parts of my life, I don't want to choose a path of drudgery.  I don't want to be a bum or hippie or floater, but so many paths of life that I witness being traveled by the people around me don't seem like something I would want for my own.  I guess I just don't know where to go from here with that knowledge.