Wow, two posts in one night.  

I've noticed a couple of people saying they feel lonely lately.  I feel lonely, too.  Not a devastating loneliness, but more a "oh I wish someone was here to share this" kind of lonely.  I want to tell someone when paint from the gods has fallen and a single light dancing covers the streets in a green pathway to heaven.  I want someone to be there with me in the house just for a hug now and then.  

I felt really, really spoiled this Christmas, and overwhelmed at the number of gifts we give each other.  I think I might like it a little better if we reverted to handmade cards and a hug or phone call.  I was a little embarrassed at how many presents I got in front of him.  

Lately, I've discovered I generally dislike rich people.  It seems like middle-class to poor people are often kinder, more genuine, and less pompous.  

I think I'm falling in love with him more.  And I can't help it.  It's scary sometimes.  But also l o v e l y.

Even though I don't like most rich people, I kind of want to be rich when I grow up.  I don't like worrying about finances, and especially detest making other people worry about finances.  I hope I never have marital problems (though one could argue that a few "problems" are healthy), but I especially do not want marital problems over finances, conflicting life dreams, or infidelity.

I want to move somewhere warm, and even then get a hot tub.  : )  

I want to stop buying so much stuff.  It just clutters up your house.

I wish I was more humanitarian.  Often I feel lazy, apathetic, and distrustful of organizations that claim to give your donations to someone who really needs it.

Part of me still wants to study Spanish in-depth.  I don't know how to feel about that or what to do with it.

I should do a lot of things more or less, but I hate living by shoulds, so I don't.  I'm happy and healthy anyway.

I've had recurring nightmares about zombies ever since I watched Shaun of the Dead at least 2 weeks ago.

Maybe that's enough stream-of-consciousness writing for now.  I hope you can connect in some way.    

P.S. I'm happy

Christmas Fave Fours

Four Favorite Christmas Songs

I try to make a mental list of this every year and am never quite satisfied.  

1. Oh, Holy Night

2. Carol of the Bells

3. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

4. Let It Snow

5. Silent Night

Christmas Songs I Could Do Without Hearing Next Year

This list proves significantly longer, though there are few outstandingly nauseating ones.  I am easily made sick of Christmas music (yes, what a grinch!).

1. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

2. Santa Baby

3. Jingle Bells (so worn out, especially in child Batman renditions)

Favorite Christmas Movies

1. A Family Stone

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (animated version)

3. Elf

4. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (claymation)

Foods I Eat Each Christmas

1. Pie

2. Ham

3. Iced Sugar Cookies, family recipe and hand-decorated

4. Stuffing (mmmm!)

Favorite Christmas Traditions

1. Decorating said Iced Hand-Decorated Sugar Cookies with family and friends

2. Cooking with Mom

3. Caroling (we don't really do this, but I'd like to do it again)

4. Playing the elf and passing out everyone's presents

5. Having my cousins come to visit

Four Things I Got For Christmas This Year

1. A lovely new pea coat with a tiny black & white pattern from Shawn

2. The book Acrylic Revolution and a field easel from Shawn

3. A book on the grammatical intricacies of American Sign Language

4. A huge tub of margarita mix and rim salt along with a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila from Shawn's sister!

Productivity

Lately I've been reading an encouraging book about art called The View From the Studio Door:  How Artists Find Their Way In An Uncertain World by Ted Orland.  He and David Bayles wrote another fabulous book, Art & Fear.  

Sometimes producing art is scary.  You feel uncreative, afraid of people's judgment, fear not being able to produce immediate masterpieces.  Ted writes that with the first brush stroke or pen mark you have been creative--you have brought something new into existence (though the idea of whether anything is new or not is a whole other concept to ponder).  While masterpieces are inspiring and often elicit praise, you shouldn't do your work for all this, but because you enjoy the process.  

That makes one feel better about each piece of work produced--when one can deeply appreciate it for the joy of the process.

In other non-news, break has been good though a bit boring so far.  It seems I don't know what to do with myself when I don't have looming, ominous deadlines.

Last night was a fun time.  My friends Brian and Eric were in from out of town as well as my friend Abbey.  They all came over and got to meet Shawn (Abbey already had, briefly).  We all ended up going out to my favorite relaxed bar.  I couldn't believe Brian bought everyone's drinks!  

As I was reviewing the night this morning, I came to a startling realization.  I think I'm very hesitant to trust people my own age.  But with people even just a few years older, I automatically feel a bit more at ease.  Interesting.

Well, I'm off to the not-so-glam job of cleaning my shower (it is vile by now).  Hope everyone's having a lovely break and holiday!

Absolutely Edible

As in, I kind of want to stick his entire face in my mouth, in one wallopy, salivated kiss.

I want one.  

One that stays that way forever.

(It's a blue Australian Heeler, by the way.)

to be haunted by someone's eyes and find the footsteps of his memory in your thoughts.

wishing he would drive long and far into the night to find you.

to feel the joyous ache of long conversations that feel too short.  wanting to stay, listening through waves of sound and air, just listening to him breathe.

wanting to stay.

Accidental Babies by Damien Rice

"is he dark enough

to see your light?"

"do you miss my smell?"

"is he bold enough

to take you on?"

"do you feel

like you belong?"

"does he drive you wild?

or just mildly free?"

"what about me?"

Wow, I just realized that last post must have come off sounding quite negative.  It amazes me how technology can drive me into fits of rage that few humans could elicit.

I've been noticing negativity a lot lately.  I've been trying to be more mindful of when I'm negative and who I feel negative toward or around them.  I don't know if you're this way, but a few people make me feel negative whenever I'm around them.  By the way, anyone who would be reading this would not be in that small group of people.  But I've noticed I have a friend (again, nobody reading this) who keeps shooting herself in the foot.  And I've found I feel negative, critical, and a bit judgemental around her most of the time.  I think I need to change my way of responding to her problems (mentally and verbally).  It frustrates me that she tells me all these problems but they seem to never go away or become replaced with new and bigger problems.  I guess I need to treat her kindly, but not encourage her to dwell too much on problems and also not feel personally responsible for fixing her problems.

I read a very interesting concept in my Psychology book (Exploring Psychology by David G. Meyers).  It is called having an external locus of control versus internal locus of control.  If you have an external locus of control, it means you believe that outside factors like luck or fate are responsible for your destiny.  If you have an internal locus of control, you believe that you are in charge of your own destiny.  People who have internal loci of control are far more likely to excel academically, be healthier, and do not suffer as often from depression.    This is a generalization, of course, but I believe that so often when we are unhappy with our lives, it is our responsibility alone to change something to make it better.  Sometimes you have to change quite a few things before something good clicks.  Also, I can see that the shift from having a fairly external locus of control to having an internal locus of control is a major change I've made in the past year.  And it seems that after I made that change (which was a rapid change, by the way) I have been significantly happier than perhaps I've ever been.  I know that there are all kinds of factors that probably contribute to this, but the change to having an internal locus of control is one of the more major changes I have made lately.  One more note--I think it is healthy to realize that some things in life are not in your control and therefore to not be too hard on yourself if, say, you fail.  

Which locus of control do you think you have, and how does it seem to be working for you?

Sidenote:  Kelly, if I goofed something up with any those explanations, or you feel like you could better describe them, please feel free to correct/describe.

So I tried to do that effin' quiz that everyone's been doing, and when I tried to paste it, it kept jumping down BELOW the text box to type in.  And that's rational in WHAT dimension?  

Oh computers, bane of my existence.  I'm almost ready to revoke my Mac worshiping.  But then when I think of actually loving a PC, as in touching one from day to day, something inside me shivers and I realize that whatever makes them freeze up all the gd time is starting, telepathically, to make my heart all frosty around the edges.  : )  Behold, I'm saved by the radiance that is Apple.

Except for the friggin' text box tricks.