Dreams

For some reason dreams have always interested me. I love to hear people's totally wild and random ones. And sometimes it's fun to speculate about what they might mean. I believe that what you dream at night is your mind trying to process things from the day. And sometimes you can work through problems by analyzing your dreams. One time a friend of mine told me the most absurdly bizarre dream, but after we talked about it she saw that it related to something she had been struggling with that week!

I don't really believe in those dream manuals that tell you what stuff in your dream symbolizes. That seems pretty phony and superstitious. Feel free to prove me wrong. But I do think it might help to pay a little more attention to dreams and think about whether they can relate to anything in your life. If you think about it, when you're asleep is probably the time that you're the most honest with yourself and your mind is most open to expression. Sometimes during the day you can supress thoughts, but it's not quite as easy to do that when you're asleep.





The human mind is so fascinating.

Today felt like a light broke through the clouds.


In so many ways I have felt lately like I am in a muddled standstill, this sense of unrest, unsettledness, questions, uncertainties... And this is very suprising because there's not much I would change about my life right now. I love my major, have the most wonderful boyfriend, live in the cutest little house with two of the sweetest girls, have plenty of family and friends who care deeply about me and actively show it...the list goes on and on.

Today I realized that most of these unsettled feelings are really just me--personal issues. When I don't have something figured out, it's all to easy to wish the world into a standstill. Yet life keeps on going. And it can be so darn frustrating.

One thing rock climbing has taught me in the past months that especially has shone through lately is that the vast majority of life is mental. Let me say that again:

The vast majority of life is mental.

If you really want something and work hard toward it, chances are, you'll get it.

I guess how the light broke through today was that at a time when I felt dry, I finally saw a little glimpse of how I'm growing, and how it is beautiful. I'm getting a little better at rock climbing. I'm getting a little better at being myself around strangers. I'm not caring so much anymore about what others think of me. I'm loving my boyfriend more every day and really can't/don't want to picture myself with anyone else (he's just such a great person!).

There is still so much improvement and growth that needs to and will take place, but sometimes it's just a fresh breath of air to see that you're at least heading in the right direction. I finally felt a little bit of peace come to rest.

I have to admit it. I have to confess.



I want to have just one shady little story about how I got "that" tattoo.

So I feel the need to confess. Vent. Whathaveyou.

I feel...afraid to be who I really am sometimes. Since you can read that sentence in so many ways, let me tell you first that it was said fairly confidently and upbeat...ly. It is just a realization at which I have arrived. Kind of like you realize that you're no good at gymnastics or doing the splits or playing water polo. It's a fact of life. Now I have to learn to deal with it. And maybe if I practice being who I really am sometimes, it will change for the better.

I feel extremely hesitant at times to share with people what I believe and do and think and feel. I would say that probably nobody knows every juicy detail of my life, beliefs, etc. Are you like this? It's not that I'm not trying to be real or genuine with my friends, it's just that I also have this secret part of myself that likes to hide. A lot. I almost feel like I'm betraying myself if I tell somebody everything. Or even a lot of things. Maybe that's a big reason why I've been called a good listener.

I also am not too sure of what I really think about a lot of things. Politics especially. When does anyone get the whole picture? I feel bad making strong opinions based upon an incomplete view of something. I feel especially uneducated, as well, when it comes to politics.

The sad part comes with this: I'm not quite sure how to change this not knowing, except maybe by thinking more about stuff. And I just plain don't have a lot of time to sit down and think about stuff right now. Should I make time? Probably. But after a long day at school/work, it's one of the last things on my list of fun stuff to do for the evening. It's so much easier to just jump on facebook or something mindless like that.

I feel kind of jammed in either way. I'm a little too lazy to actually think and research my views on different subjects, but it keeps tormenting me--this not knowing business.

Maybe the fear of being myself and sharing would decrease if I knew a little more about who I am and what I think.

Sigh. This laziness seems shallow, but it is reality for the moment.

Maybe this was a long fluffy post just about me being a little disappointed in myself.

this evening i went rollerskating for the first time in at least six months. it was for my friend's husband's 27th birthday. i won limbo & they gave me a ring pop! (do you remember those?!!) tonight it was hard for me to go for some reason, but once i got there i had such a good time. it was just pure, simple fun. it made me think that i can't wait until i teach deaf/hh elementary kids and take them to skating parties like i went to in elementary school. i had fun like i was a little kid. it brought back some old memories--us kids bebopping to Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart," playing the Hokey Pokey (which we played tonight, by the way), and that one time I had my birthday at the skating rink and my 2nd grade crush gave me a Jasmine figurine. It wasn't wrapped, it was in a plastic bag. his parents were divorced and he showed up with his dad and he wore those yellow construction worker boots.

anyway, this walk down memory lane has come to an end.


oh the good old days....