Three (Rather Poor) Photos of My Work

This drawing was inspired by Damien Rice's song "Elephant" ("'cause you can't paint an elephant/quite as good as she can").  I am taking an intro to drawing summer school class this summer and am really looking forward to it.  This is one of my first drawings in several years.  

Okay, I have a confession.  I call myself an artist (I genuinely consider myself one) but I am just now getting back into it very s l o w l y.  I've done very little work.  Should I even be allowed to call myself an artist?  Maybe not.  But at least I'm trying.  That's why I enrolled in the drawing class--in hopes it will give me confidence in my work and help establish creating art as a daily habit.  Who knows what next?  Art school?  The following are my work from several years ago:

Hope you enjoyed it.  : )  I aspire to someday become an artist that motivates and inspires others, simply by seeing my work, to become artists themselves, in whatever medium.  I want to capture the wonder of life.  

And If I don't post a picture of a painting in a few weeks, please nag mercilessly!  I wish I had a group of artist friends to meet in coffee shops and share and discuss work together.  That comes very close to my version of heaven. 

Update on Daniel

He has a broken pelvis and his jaw is broken in two places.  He has a fever of 104 and isn't responding to any stimuli.  He had surgery to remove some clots from his brain and had some skull removed to release pressure on his brain.  There still is very little brain activity.

Please, whoever you are, send kind thoughts and prayers for my friend's brother, Daniel.  He was in a horrible car accident.  He has little brain activity and was given last rites.  

Life is so fragile.

Check out the heart-wrenching yet fascinating video interview with Mary Mackert, a woman who escaped a life of polygamy.

(Watch the first short clip and then if you wait, you can see the full 30-minute interview with her.)

Britt is listening to love songs and wishing someone would write one for her.

I want to be less inhibited.  And to realize that I don't need anything or anyone to be madly in love with life and to experience it to its fullest.

It takes not caring so much what other people think.

It takes loving yourself.

It takes having good self-esteem.

It requires one to embrace the good and wondrous and lovely and beautiful and colorful, and to let go quickly of the bad and ugly and difficult (although difficult often yields beauty and joy).  Why do we hold on so tightly to the things that make us sad and unhappy?

The truth is, I love the way I am when I am less inhibited by useless notions of right and wrong ("Is it okay to say that?  What if they don't see it as a joke?  What if they don't like me?").  I feel like I have just chipped away a bit of the surface of it, but have yet to rid myself of the whole.

The truth is, you can never escape yourself.  No matter where you move, what job you have, what friends like you, who your family is, what you accomplish in life...though it may sound cliche, happiness starts from the inside out.  If you're not happy here and now, will you really be happier with peripheral changes?  

I think a great part of happiness comes from deeply experiencing your life; in a way giving yourself permission to enjoy the good parts uninhibited and uncensored.  Of course I'm not encouraging drug use or promiscuity.  Just being free to enjoy the simple little things that make us all glad to be alive and human.  Skipping to class on your way to finals, letting your breath catch in your throat from sight of a sunrise, taking 20 minutes to sit on your front porch in the cool of dawn simply being and listening to birds singing...

"Happiness is not a destination, but a method of life." -Burton Hills

Today was good.

I went with my soon-to-be roommate, Jessica, to ArtWalk. ArtWalk is on the first Friday of every month. Art galleries and shops downtown open their doors after hours so that people from the community can come in and see their wares and participate in a cultural event. I especially like going in the galleries. I love to imagine my work hanging in galleries someday.

I think I'm going to start on a painting tomorrow, even though there are finals and all kinds of crazy things looming.

Jessica is fun. I think she'll be good to live with.

Okay, I'm exhausted and my throat hurts and I feel like I will die if I do not immediately pass out, so that's all for tonight.

Would it be weird to you for a tattoo artist to have no tattoos?  There's this odd, if not secuestered goth, part of me that secretly wants to be a tattoo artist.  If you were getting a tattoo, would you trust a little, innocent, American pie, unpainted blondie to tattoo you?

At least I bet they get paid better than teachers!

A few other jobs that appeal right now:

1. Art professor

2. Caricature artist

3. Children's book illustrators (and maybe even writer)

4. Writer

5. Marine or rainforest biologist

6. Life coach

7. Psychic (if you can actually develop these abilities)

What are your top 8 most fascinating jobs right now?

God, sometimes I wonder if I should just cut the shit and become a career counselor, haha.  : )

Today has been a rollercoaster.  I didn't actually cry nor have reason to cry, but I felt a lot of ups and downs today (maybe the general term for this is PMS?  Haha, j/k).

This morning Shawn woke me up with a phone call straight from the doctor's office to tell me he didn't have to have surgery.  This was a sigh of relief in so many ways.  But mostly relief because I know how much he hates crutching around.  And I also believe that if you don't have to cut open the body, then don't.  Maybe the body never fully heals from this.  But the day was off to a beautiful, if groggy, start.

Then I went to Audiology class, my hardest class.  No matter how much I study, I can't seem to succeed how I want to succeed in that class!  I always do poorer than I think I will, and the neurotic, frazzled Speech-Pathology majors in there heighten my stress level by at least 15%.  Just by sitting near them.  

But then it was so lovely outside I forgot all about tests and finals looming and thousands of projects due next week, and went to an art store to just snoop around for a bit.  They sell these stuffed dolls of famous painters.  For over a year I've secretly and desperately wanted the Vincent van Gogh one because HE HAS A VELCRO DETACHABLE EAR.  I hadn't been in the store since the last time I lusted over him, but the one Vincent they had left was missing the detachable ear!  : (  So that would not do, and he didn't come home with me.  But I still had fun just looking at the art supplies.  I think I could happily lay in the middle of an art store for hours, just looking at the paints and brushes and canvases and easels and imagining myself being a world-class painter painting her way across the globe...

Then Shawn and I went to another art store (more bliss!) and had lunch.  It had its ups and downs which I could write a thousand posts about, but it was mostly ups.

Then I worked on a project and the stress descended upon me like a black fog.  Then off to class, then I realize, almost in passing, that I usually relate better to guys than girls, but have very few guy friends (mostly because I worry that they just want to date me and not really be my friend); then back home and several messages and a sweet gift on facebook, then more project, then ELATION!!  Project finished!  There is something so satisfying and uplifting about finishing a monumental project.  Even nearly crashing into a car on my way to my parents couldn't quench it, although my heart just about spewed out of my throat.

Then a nice walk with parents and my sweet, lovable little dog.  I LOVE my little dog.  Because she pretends to hate me but will run and hide behind my legs when mom calls her.  (Mom smothers her.  And jogs her.  And gives her an inhumane number of treats every day.)  And dad and I talked for an hour about how to get rich fast.  We basically decided that when one of us figures out how to do it, we'll call the other.  Yet articles about millionaires before 30 never cease to fascinate me.  There is this book by one at Barnes & Noble I really want to buy called "The 4-Hour Workweek."  I want to buy the book, not the millionaire.  Although I won't tell you my thoughts about buying a millionaire, except I'd like to believe that people who marry for money earn it.  But that's probably not true.  Women probably just tell you that so they can hog all the millionaires to themselves.

Then home and java chip ice cream and popcorn and my roommate tells me she'll probably go study abroad next spring.  So I don't know if I'm going to live in my house another year.

But it'll all be okay.  Sometimes you just have to live life one day at a time.  

Fabulous news--Shawn doesn't have to have surgery!!!!

Do you ever feel like no job appeals?  Like instead of working you want to just go dance around in a sunny, flower-filled field?  This is a weird way for me to feel, because usually I can think of all kinds of careers I'd love to do.  (I think I obsess WAY to much about careers, by the way.)  But at the end of the day, I think it'll feel like just a job, and it will feel mundane, and I will have visions of driving right past work into the horizon, never looking back.  

With observing a classroom, I think I've found all the reasons why I shouldn't be a teacher (I'm not assertive enough, sometimes kids jar me, I don't have the best classroom management skills, I hate waking up early, I don't like to be responsible of groups of people's well-being, I hate all the work you have to do outside of school for planning...).  But it feels like most of the good reasons of why I went into it just haven't shown up in my practicum experience.  This isn't anybody's fault.  It's just how I feel.  Part of me wonders if I'm expecting too much or if this is a product of stress, as I tend to get this way at the end of the semester.  But I had this glowing excitement going into this semester that the bottom just fell out of the first few days of practicum, and the disillusionment has stuck ever since then.  Maybe this age group isn't the best for me.  I've always thought I'd be best teaching college kids, but I'm not going to school for the things I'd want to teach college kids.  I think I would either want to be a professor of art or anthropology.

I could go on and on about all this for hours.  Sigh.  Life's complexities are often absolutely mind-boggling.

Britt pretty much wants to stab school in the eye.

With a rusty cattleprod.

Yes, that is exactly how I feel about that.

Kelly, I can't imagine how you must be feeling!

On a positive note (although gouging out school's eye with a rusty cattleprod sounds pretty positive to me right now), I've signed up to take a summer school drawing class.  It will be a grueling 4 week, 4 days a week, 4 hours a day class.  I'll love every minute of it.  Except the minutes that I'll miss every day, leaving my job at 11:50 to try to get to the class by 12.  Did I mention that my job goes from 7:15 in the morning to 11:50?...  It will be a frantic but fun June.  I will feel strong and triumphant after conquering this June.

Kids

Wednesday I chased first graders around a farm.  I felt these neurotic tendencies arising:  "Where'd Johnny go?"  "WHERE'S JOHNNY!!!!!"  "James, you're walking TOO FAR AHEAD OF ME!!!!"  (In my ideal world, they all would've had on leashes.)  

For part of the visit, we went to a presentation by (the rather hot) Mr. Nate.  Not only did he give an enlightening program on the life cycle, but he brought in a live cow (consequently named Dottie)!  And a chicken he carried around the room allowing every kid to pet it!  I also remember thinking he was surprisingly good with kids, maybe better than I'll ever be (this is the source of my angst over my career).  He also made me realize that with kids, you really always need visuals.  Heck, with adults, so many lectures in college would be better with the proper use of visuals.  That man Mr. Nate had any possible visual someone could implement about chickens and cows, short of an artificial insemination machine.

At lunch, instead of sitting with the teacher like a proper adult, I sat on the ground and ate my Lunchable with a few of the girls in class.  I love watching their curiosity about an older girl.  They look at you a little differently than they look at older teachers, as if they're thinking, "Someday could I be you?"  They can't ever picture themselves being old; old to them is 20s.  Heck, old to them is 14, or even third grade.  I just hope that if I somehow manage to reach out and touch their lives, it will be positive.  The few times I've messed up and not positively influenced a child's life absolutely haunt me.    

Riding the school bus back to school, I realized I felt the same way I always did after field trips as a kid; smelling of sweat and dust and sunlight, exhausted but smiling.

In search of the elusive "chic spot"...

A new place in town has opened that I believe would fully qualify as a "chic spot."  (!!!!)  In the past I have resisted applying to several of my own favorite "chic spots" for fear that being there so often would take away a bit of their chicness.  You obviously don't want to go hang out with your friends at the place you work.  But this place seems to be exactly the kind of place I'm looking for:  sells drinks (you make better tips this way), but also sells food (keeps the place from attracting large numbers of ravaging drunk people), and has a fun, chic atmosphere and friendly, personable staff that I can easily become friends with.  I'm not sure if the last one about atmosphere is true, but judging from the place it's located, I could see this being my ideal kind of place to work.  Another perk of working there would be that it is only open part of the week, so it would leave me with plenty of time for classes.  Wish me luck, friends, as I go to scope it out today!  : D

I've been thinking about the course of my life for the next 3 years a lot lately.  It's funny--over the last 4 months my plans have changed from wanting to be done with grad school and teaching deaf kids to wanting to get my doctoral degree in anthropology to wanting to be a zoologist to, today, if I had to choose what would happen in the next 3 years, it would go something like this:

Year 1:  Graduate.  Throw all those damn teacher certification classes to the wind and take art and French and maybe anthropology classes.  Find a job at a chic spot.

Year 2:  Wait for Shawn to graduate.  Save as much money as possible.  Take tons of art and French classes.  Research moving to France.  Keep trucking at aforementioned "chic spot" and/or find better-paying interim job.

Year 3:  Move with Shawn to France, landing a job with an environmental protection agency.  Find a fabulous art teacher or go to a top notch art school in the evenings.  Travel as much as possible in free moments.  

What's your dream 3-year plan?

Today I want to just quit everything, flash the bird to real life, pack up, and go to art school.  : /

Life feels like it will be so ordinary if I don't.

The funny part is that life is going well.  I'm happy.  But I just don't want this forever.

Just stumbled upon this website the other day (it was actually on a facebook ad!).  It is really fascinating.  Even reading about the website and its founder was really interesting.

I already posted a note on facebook about an article on depression in creative people that absolutely spoke to me.  It makes sense that we as creative individuals seek, more than most people, to create and find meaning in life.  When we can't find that meaning, it really gets to us.  I really want to read the author's book, The Van Gogh Blues:  A Creative Person's Path Through Depression.  

there are so many voices in the world; as many as there are people.  

it's so hard to know which ones to listen to.

there is so much deception, but also glimmers of Truth.  

it is hard to discern between the two; difficult to extract the grain of Truth from the chaff.

i think i wish i knew more things for sure, but i don't know how i ever will.

perhaps Paradise is absolute certainty...

Tonight I happened to start going through my pictures of Europe and then I couldn't stop!  I am overwhelmed by how lucky I feel to have visited so many places and had such lovely experiences, all at a very young age.  There's this one picture I took of an apartment window in Sevilla.  This apartment window is like none other you've ever seen.  This mere apartment window has the power to instantaneously make me happy, no, JOYOUS to be alive!!

Big news:  Shawn and I are going to Orlando for spring break!!!!

I plan to spend an entire day unflinching and immobile; sprawled out on the beach.  And I mean I want people to poke at me to see if I'm dead or alive.  That is how sprawled out I will be!

And my birthday was fantastic.  School was cancelled due to snow, and I got to spend the entire day lounging around with Shawn.  We went to Barnes & Noble (I can't survive without going there at least twice a week!  Obsessive?  I think so!) and then had dinner with two friends at Applebee's. 

Shawn got me the sweetest gift--dancing lessons for two!  This was a real sacrifice, since he's been, shall we say, "hesitant" in the past about dancing, to say the least.  Now I really can't wait for his ankle to be better!  (Hopefully in time for Orlando!)

This Sunday I'm throwing a belated birthday tapas and sangria fiesta!  I wish you all could be there!

Lately, too, I've had an increased interest in spirituality.  I've been reading some spiritual books; one called A Woman's Path and one called Essential Spirituality:  Seven Practices to Awaken the Heart and Mind.  Yes, I'm too lazy to link those.  I highly recommend A Woman's Path.  I feel like simply reading it is a spiritual experience!  I haven't gotten far enough in the other one, but it seems really good so far.  

I feel so lucky.  Life is good.  (Hence the many exclamation points that I just now noticed but opt to sleep instead of change them.)

Is it odd that I recreationally go to the pet store to look at puppies?  And when I say "recreationally," I mean I've been FOUR TIMES IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS.  Meanwhile, I drag helpless victims in with me.  Today's was Dad.  And I swear to you, when I was done with him, the man had nearly stuffed an entire Australian Shepherd Dog puppy into his pocket.  Whole.

Needless to say, I think the time is looming when I should just break down and get a dog.

Speaking of breaking, Shawn has definitely been walking around on a BROKEN ANKLE for the past THREE WEEKS.  Poor baby.  He showed up at my house wielding crutches and sporting a knee-high black walking cast, and I couldn't help but say aloud, "You POOOOOOR thing!" in that high, rather nauseating voice we all know and love.  I don't think he appreciated that so much, but I'm all, "If I can't have something small and furry and lickably delicious to croon at, I damn well right am going to croon at you!"

Do you believe in ghosts?

I've always been raised to not believe in ghosts, but lately they've been a common theme in conversation.  A cartoon ghost even appeared on tv tonight, just hours after I had an extended conversation about them with a friend and received an email about them from someone else!  (Those kinds of coincidences are creepy. *shivers*)

It intrigues me that at least 3 people very close to me, and who I trust, have ghost stories from their own lives.  One friend was telling me hers, and it literally made all the hairs on my body stand on end.

I feel like I'm going through this really spacey, superstitious phase.  Or at least I'm interested in finding out more about things I've previously blown off as silly or a spoof.  

What do you think?  Are ghosts real?  Please feel free to share any ghost stories, the creepier, the better!  (I think I may have already asked for ghost stories around Halloween, but if you have more or want to repost, that's fine, too.)

Boo!  ; )

10 Weird Things About Me (stolen from Martha)

1. I not only played the normal kid instruments (flute and piano) but I also played the harp (and I kind of want to start it up again).  

2. I knit, even so well that people won't believe me when I say I made a particularly ornate cabled beanie cap--they think I bought it from American Eagle!  

3. I can wax poetic about the workings of the inner ear.

4. In most of my spare time, I enjoy reading books about alternative ideas like psychic phenomena, tarot, and Wicca.  

5. I obedience trained my dog, almost to obedience competition quality, at the age of 15.  I'm still very snooty about people who don't train their dogs well.  

6. My hair has been prone to change color at will.  Call me Tonks.  

7. I do visualization exercises before I go to bed and swear that they have cured me from illness.

8. A self-declared poetry nerd, I should really get around to writing again and try to submit some of my work.  I have one particularly haunting poem that perfectly reflects my religious state, and desperately desire to share it with the world through publishing.

9. I am an absolute language geek and wish I could learn every language in the world fluently.  I immensely enjoy tutoring struggling students in Spanish.

10. My life will be complete when I own the tiniest, sweetest Chihuahua that I can dress up in rhinestone-studded clothing and carry around in a purse.

So I am totally lusting after this woman's long, luscious, purpley-deep brown hair.  I saw her in Barnes & Noble wearing a rich purple cardigan with a cream lace cami, and for one swift moment I wanted to be her.

It is nights like this where going blonde again is totally NOT an option.  At least not yet.  I want to be a luscious, purpley-brown minx.

It's odd and unexplainable, but lately I've had a near-ravenous craving for space.  From everybody.  It doesn't mean I love everybody any less, but being alone is bliss for me right now.  I fight the urge to not keep my phone turned off all day.  When people invite me to hang out, more often than not I'd rather stay in my room and read for leisure.  Usually I make myself go anyway, and end up having a pretty good time.

Like last night when Shawn's sisters and I went out to a favorite local bar to celebrate B's birthday.  I ended up having a really fun time with them, and felt so included by his sisters.  It was great.  We met up early at T's house to get ready, and everyone cooed over each other's clothes and makeup and hair, and it was such serious bonding time that I didn't have the heart to tell them that I'm usually not that girly.  A perfect example of not being all that girly is when T came over beforehand to help me pick out an outfit, and I decided on one, and she said, "Well, don't you want to bring a couple more to my house in case you change your mind?"  And I'm all, oh yeah, most girls bring multiple changes of clothes on a regular if not daily basis.  But I pride myself on my ability to make up my mind (a feat near-impossible for a woman), if only about my evening attire.   

I think I'm starting to love them.  : )

Today I came to an epiphany.  

Life is so much sweeter if you choose to believe that people are for you, and not against you.

Sometimes I tend to live thinking the opposite.  Call it part of my jaded middle school & high school past.

But when you expect the best of people, it's so much easier to be happy.  It's so much more fruitful when you believe the tailgater behind you must be in a big hurry for a very important reason instead of just wanting to hack you off.  

Life is so much more beautiful when you avidly search for the good in all things.

I want to be more like this.

I was brave today.

After Miranda told me she would have to move out unexpectedly by March (she needs the money to move to Europe!), I found myself in need of another roomie.

So I posted an ad on facebook.  But that's not the brave thing I did.  I posted the ad for a female or gay male roommate.  This was big for me.  I never thought I'd be open to living with any guy, however, the past few years as I've become more open minded to the idea of homosexuality, I've secretly entertained the idea of one day being able to live my own "Will & Grace" show.  In fact, I almost desperately want to meet that perfectly lovable, poetic, melodramatic gay friend and share some of my space with him.

And I just hope my parents won't keel over dead if this perfect-for-me roomie comes knocking on my door.  Er, email. 

Today especially I'd love to believe that all eventually works together for ultimate good.  It makes the world feel so much friendlier.

But the world isn't always so friendly, and it's hard to believe when it seems like so much is fighting against us.

Perhaps these thoughts were provoked by the death of Heath Ledger.  

Perhaps it all simply ties to the way I've experienced the world.

Life can be so beautiful and so terrible all at once. 

Even in saying this, I feel I have no right to utter those words, because life has been so much fairer to me than countless others in this world.  

Someday I hope I understand.

Wow, I can't believe school starts tomorrow.  I think I'm ready.  This semester should be very interesting and fun because I get to take classes all about teaching and Deaf people.  I also am really looking forward to observing in an elementary classroom!!  Yay!

I've had quite the round of social activities in the past day or two.  Yesterday I met my wonderful & inspiring friend Kara for lunch at a local Indian restaurant.  She's one of those people you just connect with on a whole other level than most people.  You feel like you could tell her anything in the world and she would implicitly understand.  I love people like that.  I hope to be one, if not already.  She has a joy for life that I've never seen in anyone else.  We talked also about psychics, which I have a deep fascination to learn more about them at the moment.  We talked about mysticism and faith and travel (she's quite the traveler).  I wish I could spend more time with her.  I wish distance didn't separate me from many of the people I love the most.

My friend from Denmark has also been visiting.  She's a doll, and it's great taking her shopping and out to eat and watching her enjoy things here so much more than the average American.  I took her to dinner last night with Shawn and his friend, and she said she wishes she could just stay here.  Sometimes I wish things could stay just how they are in a given moment, now, and never change.

Yesterday I also went flea marketing with my grandma.  I can only take so much of looking at stations of old, cluttered, dusty things, but it's kind of exciting all the same because you never know when you'll find a treasure.  

With school starting tomorrow, I have a lot of different emotions; anything from excited, to nervous that it will be too stressful, to relieved that I'll have more to occupy my time, to sad that I won't have as much time to learn what I want to learn, to just happy.  But most of all I have this feeling that no matter what happens, this will be a good semester.  : )

After talking with my sweet friend, Abbey, this evening I realized that this break has had just enough activities interspersed at just the right intervals to keep me from coming to Ft. Worth to visit.  It is as if some mad genius planned it all.  This is how my break has gone:

School ended.  I collapsed and promptly got bored (a new feeling for me--I am rarely bored).  Should have gotten a job.

Christmas Activities quickly ensued.  All FIVE Christmas gatherings.  (Divorced parents and their significant others, even when they are not your own, do make for a busy holiday.)

I breathed for two days after Christmas, then my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins came into town.  The day before they left, my dear friend Cara who you all know and love came for a lovely visit.  The next day she left and Shawn, Shawn's family and I jumped in the car and went to visit his grandparents for their Christmas celebration, staying two days.

I breathed a few more days and then Shawn's friend Matt (for whom Shawn was one of the best men) married April yesterday in one of the most beautiful and fulfilling weddings I have yet to witness.  Of all the weddings I have seen, if pressed I think I would pick that one to be mine (different bride and groom and guests, obviously).  It was exquisite and tasteful.  Did I mention it was exquisite?

Today Shawn and some friends and I rode down to Arkansas to do some rock climbing.  It was a really good group, especially since his sister came.  The more I get to know her, the more I like her.  : )  

This coming Tuesday is Shawn's birthday.  It is all I can do to keep from giving him his presents literally weeks early, just because I can.  

Then I breathe a few more days and on the 14th, school starts!

Poor Ft. Worth got edged out this time.  : (  I've had a fabulous break, don't get me wrong.  I wish I could have squeezed in enough time to come visit.  But with the rate time is flying by, maybe the next vacation will be just around the bend...

Happy New Year!

Resolution:  to produce something artistic everyday, preferably for 30 minutes or more.  

Question:  should I keep my hair red or go back blonde?  

I was all set on being red for a while until Shawn told me he likes it better blonde.  : /

If I go back blonde, it would probably be more of a strawberry blonde, like this picture with maybe a few lighter highlights on top:

Wow, two posts in one night.  

I've noticed a couple of people saying they feel lonely lately.  I feel lonely, too.  Not a devastating loneliness, but more a "oh I wish someone was here to share this" kind of lonely.  I want to tell someone when paint from the gods has fallen and a single light dancing covers the streets in a green pathway to heaven.  I want someone to be there with me in the house just for a hug now and then.  

I felt really, really spoiled this Christmas, and overwhelmed at the number of gifts we give each other.  I think I might like it a little better if we reverted to handmade cards and a hug or phone call.  I was a little embarrassed at how many presents I got in front of him.  

Lately, I've discovered I generally dislike rich people.  It seems like middle-class to poor people are often kinder, more genuine, and less pompous.  

I think I'm falling in love with him more.  And I can't help it.  It's scary sometimes.  But also l o v e l y.

Even though I don't like most rich people, I kind of want to be rich when I grow up.  I don't like worrying about finances, and especially detest making other people worry about finances.  I hope I never have marital problems (though one could argue that a few "problems" are healthy), but I especially do not want marital problems over finances, conflicting life dreams, or infidelity.

I want to move somewhere warm, and even then get a hot tub.  : )  

I want to stop buying so much stuff.  It just clutters up your house.

I wish I was more humanitarian.  Often I feel lazy, apathetic, and distrustful of organizations that claim to give your donations to someone who really needs it.

Part of me still wants to study Spanish in-depth.  I don't know how to feel about that or what to do with it.

I should do a lot of things more or less, but I hate living by shoulds, so I don't.  I'm happy and healthy anyway.

I've had recurring nightmares about zombies ever since I watched Shaun of the Dead at least 2 weeks ago.

Maybe that's enough stream-of-consciousness writing for now.  I hope you can connect in some way.    

P.S. I'm happy

Christmas Fave Fours

Four Favorite Christmas Songs

I try to make a mental list of this every year and am never quite satisfied.  

1. Oh, Holy Night

2. Carol of the Bells

3. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

4. Let It Snow

5. Silent Night

Christmas Songs I Could Do Without Hearing Next Year

This list proves significantly longer, though there are few outstandingly nauseating ones.  I am easily made sick of Christmas music (yes, what a grinch!).

1. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

2. Santa Baby

3. Jingle Bells (so worn out, especially in child Batman renditions)

Favorite Christmas Movies

1. A Family Stone

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (animated version)

3. Elf

4. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (claymation)

Foods I Eat Each Christmas

1. Pie

2. Ham

3. Iced Sugar Cookies, family recipe and hand-decorated

4. Stuffing (mmmm!)

Favorite Christmas Traditions

1. Decorating said Iced Hand-Decorated Sugar Cookies with family and friends

2. Cooking with Mom

3. Caroling (we don't really do this, but I'd like to do it again)

4. Playing the elf and passing out everyone's presents

5. Having my cousins come to visit

Four Things I Got For Christmas This Year

1. A lovely new pea coat with a tiny black & white pattern from Shawn

2. The book Acrylic Revolution and a field easel from Shawn

3. A book on the grammatical intricacies of American Sign Language

4. A huge tub of margarita mix and rim salt along with a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila from Shawn's sister!

Productivity

Lately I've been reading an encouraging book about art called The View From the Studio Door:  How Artists Find Their Way In An Uncertain World by Ted Orland.  He and David Bayles wrote another fabulous book, Art & Fear.  

Sometimes producing art is scary.  You feel uncreative, afraid of people's judgment, fear not being able to produce immediate masterpieces.  Ted writes that with the first brush stroke or pen mark you have been creative--you have brought something new into existence (though the idea of whether anything is new or not is a whole other concept to ponder).  While masterpieces are inspiring and often elicit praise, you shouldn't do your work for all this, but because you enjoy the process.  

That makes one feel better about each piece of work produced--when one can deeply appreciate it for the joy of the process.

In other non-news, break has been good though a bit boring so far.  It seems I don't know what to do with myself when I don't have looming, ominous deadlines.

Last night was a fun time.  My friends Brian and Eric were in from out of town as well as my friend Abbey.  They all came over and got to meet Shawn (Abbey already had, briefly).  We all ended up going out to my favorite relaxed bar.  I couldn't believe Brian bought everyone's drinks!  

As I was reviewing the night this morning, I came to a startling realization.  I think I'm very hesitant to trust people my own age.  But with people even just a few years older, I automatically feel a bit more at ease.  Interesting.

Well, I'm off to the not-so-glam job of cleaning my shower (it is vile by now).  Hope everyone's having a lovely break and holiday!

Absolutely Edible

As in, I kind of want to stick his entire face in my mouth, in one wallopy, salivated kiss.

I want one.  

One that stays that way forever.

(It's a blue Australian Heeler, by the way.)

to be haunted by someone's eyes and find the footsteps of his memory in your thoughts.

wishing he would drive long and far into the night to find you.

to feel the joyous ache of long conversations that feel too short.  wanting to stay, listening through waves of sound and air, just listening to him breathe.

wanting to stay.

Accidental Babies by Damien Rice

"is he dark enough

to see your light?"

"do you miss my smell?"

"is he bold enough

to take you on?"

"do you feel

like you belong?"

"does he drive you wild?

or just mildly free?"

"what about me?"

Wow, I just realized that last post must have come off sounding quite negative.  It amazes me how technology can drive me into fits of rage that few humans could elicit.

I've been noticing negativity a lot lately.  I've been trying to be more mindful of when I'm negative and who I feel negative toward or around them.  I don't know if you're this way, but a few people make me feel negative whenever I'm around them.  By the way, anyone who would be reading this would not be in that small group of people.  But I've noticed I have a friend (again, nobody reading this) who keeps shooting herself in the foot.  And I've found I feel negative, critical, and a bit judgemental around her most of the time.  I think I need to change my way of responding to her problems (mentally and verbally).  It frustrates me that she tells me all these problems but they seem to never go away or become replaced with new and bigger problems.  I guess I need to treat her kindly, but not encourage her to dwell too much on problems and also not feel personally responsible for fixing her problems.

I read a very interesting concept in my Psychology book (Exploring Psychology by David G. Meyers).  It is called having an external locus of control versus internal locus of control.  If you have an external locus of control, it means you believe that outside factors like luck or fate are responsible for your destiny.  If you have an internal locus of control, you believe that you are in charge of your own destiny.  People who have internal loci of control are far more likely to excel academically, be healthier, and do not suffer as often from depression.    This is a generalization, of course, but I believe that so often when we are unhappy with our lives, it is our responsibility alone to change something to make it better.  Sometimes you have to change quite a few things before something good clicks.  Also, I can see that the shift from having a fairly external locus of control to having an internal locus of control is a major change I've made in the past year.  And it seems that after I made that change (which was a rapid change, by the way) I have been significantly happier than perhaps I've ever been.  I know that there are all kinds of factors that probably contribute to this, but the change to having an internal locus of control is one of the more major changes I have made lately.  One more note--I think it is healthy to realize that some things in life are not in your control and therefore to not be too hard on yourself if, say, you fail.  

Which locus of control do you think you have, and how does it seem to be working for you?

Sidenote:  Kelly, if I goofed something up with any those explanations, or you feel like you could better describe them, please feel free to correct/describe.

So I tried to do that effin' quiz that everyone's been doing, and when I tried to paste it, it kept jumping down BELOW the text box to type in.  And that's rational in WHAT dimension?  

Oh computers, bane of my existence.  I'm almost ready to revoke my Mac worshiping.  But then when I think of actually loving a PC, as in touching one from day to day, something inside me shivers and I realize that whatever makes them freeze up all the gd time is starting, telepathically, to make my heart all frosty around the edges.  : )  Behold, I'm saved by the radiance that is Apple.

Except for the friggin' text box tricks.

Farewell November

I'm finally starting to get used to my new hair.  I haven't quite figured out how to style it yet.  It probably doesn't help that I sleep on it wet, waking with huge cowlicks and fronds of RED sticking every direction.  I have to admit, the day after I cut it, I almost cried.  And I was on the verge of dying it blonde for several days.  I can't say I won't dye it blonde the next go around, but RED is fun for a bit.  I think it taught me, too, to be more confident regardless of what I think others will think.

Other news as of late:  I'm looking for a job.  I may apply to this funky place I love for drinks and appetizers (you have to admit it, anywhere that serves drinks lets you rake in the tips).  I've also thought of some clothing stores and other places...  We'll see.  That's really vague, but I feel a little iffy posting specifics all over the internet. 

Someone very close to me has a lot on their mind so any kind thoughts/prayers would be appreciated.  I know everything will work out okay, but it's hard to remember that when you're in the middle of the situation.  This person totally does not deserve any of what's happening.  But if a few things work out here and there, it could make life a lot easier for him/her.

I've been feeling a little uncentered lately if that makes sense.  Like some things inside are a little off.  I think I need a good day to relax, reflect, and be still.  But alas, finals are around the bend.  I'm pretty burned out with school, too.  : /  I seem to get that way usually right before Christmas for some reason.  Needless to say, I'm really excited for break.  Breaks help me feel real again, haha.  Although the good news is that this semester I've been feeling the most happy, like myself, and like a normal human being (in a good way, not a conformist attitude) that I've felt in years.  

It feels good to be me.  

Other things that feel good:

~Being smiled at by a dear friend.

~Being understood.

~A good back scratch, especially when you haven't had one for a while.

~Laughing   HYSTERICALLY. 

~Sitting on the front porch in the early morning dawn, engulfed in a blanket, sipping hot tea, watching the world wake up.

Before and After Pics

before

after

The State of the Universe

Today my roommates and I had our "family Thanksgiving."  When we first moved into our house, we planned on getting a "family portrait" taken, framed, and prominently displayed on the mantle.  That never happened, but we still do "family" stuff like host a Thanksgiving for our friends.

Oh, and my hair is RED now.  Not red.  RED.  And short.  I'm talking pretty pixie.  It is pretty much its own living entity at the moment, living and functioning separately from my body.  I've had more than one person say I look like an elf.  I'll take that as a good thing.  It was kind of a spur of the moment decision.  And I almost cried about it yesterday, and even called several old hair stylists to see if they could die it back blonde for me.  I'm not sure that I won't still do that.  Tomorrow.  We'll see how I feel in the morning.  It is just so unusual for me.  And I would post pics, but the friggin photo link isn't working.  

Lately I've been in a very shy mood.  I don't really like to say hi to people I know passing on the sidewalk, even though I know it's polite.  So when I changed my hair drastically, I've been getting all kinds of attention for it.  It's kind of weird for me to not like attention, being an only child.  It's all been really positive attention, too.  People are silly sometimes, getting in funky moods that last months.  Or maybe it's just a new facet of who I am--someone who doesn't like to be in the spotlight.  We'll see.    

Do you believe in psychics?

Absolutely Precious

Gay

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=2051907

This was a fascinating videoclip about Gay Mormons.

For some reason homosexuality has always fascinated me. And lately the LDS Church has ignited a growing interest. Both are groups that I do not believe I will ever have any desire to be a member of within my lifetime, but their differences from myself I find intriguing.

It was the negative (if not horrific) treatment of gays and lesbians by the Christian Church that pushed me over the edge in the way I relate to the Christian religion. Granted, I know that not all Christians treat gays and lesbians poorly, but seeing how a large deal of them treated gays and lesbians as well of the negative views on gays that I was raised with made me start to wonder if I wanted to be connected with people who could say and do things like that.

Anyway, I really didn't want to open a can of worms, and that is a whole other story, but I hope you take something of worth from the videoclip.

A Very Happy Pre-Halloween



The Rock Star and the Vampire



Notice the bite marks



Vampire Roomies--a Ghastly Crew!

Eeeee!! I'm thoroughly pumped about the fab annual Halloween Party that my roommates and I are throwing tomorrow night. Wish some of you lovely internet and faraway friends could come.

I'm going to be a vampira. Mwahahahaha.

Life is so confusing. Being a grown up is so complicated.

I saw "Stardust" tonight. Fabulous movie, even though it was a little predictable. I think every girl wants to be a Star.

I feel a little of my luster is faint, but I don't know how to change it. It's hard to describe, except that I'm generally happy but feel bogged down my uncertainties that I make for myself. Things could be more certain if I allowed it, but I'm not sure that's what I want...


All I want is a life that allows me to shine as bright as I am able.

'scuse the cheese.

Whew, it's been a while! To be honest, I've tried to sit down and write several times, even opened up a new post, but I just wasn't feeling in the right mode.

Shawn was so cute today. Last night I was open about some hard-to-share things, but he was very supportive and loving, and today it felt like a burden had lifted and that we could be free to be ourselves around each other. Maybe I hadn't been feeling that free for a while. But I truly believe that communication is the wonder drug for any relationship, whether romantic or friendship. It's the way we truly connect as humans.

Today we borrowed my cousins' mountain bikes and took them out on the trail. It was my first-ever experience mountain biking. I'll have to admit, it was intense. I think I fell over at least four times! But it was also a blast. Lately I've been looking into buying a mountain bike, so I wanted to go on a trail to see if I really like that. I don't know if I'll ever become the US Womens Mountain Biking Champion, but it's really fun to get out and try something different.

School has been absolutely insane this week, with tons of projects thrown on me spur of the moment. But despite all that, I think I'm learning to deal with the stress better (finally, now that I'm a senior!). I still have a ways to go in the stress management department, but I've been trying to embrace a philosophy of being easy on myself. Life is hard enough on you--you don't need to be hard on yourself! I think for so long I've tried to constantly change and improve myself for the better, which is good, but there's something to be said for just sitting back and enjoying yourself for the way you are. For loving who you are. I think the gross majority of Americans don't love themselves--that's so sad. You should be your own best cheerleader and comforter.

This is very odd. Normally I am a sugar-holic. Like, I could eat the stuff raw for breakfast, and often do! But lately anything even feintly sweet has been repulsive. I've been craving salt. I joked with Shawn today at McAlister's (a deli) that I would love the sweet tea if it were instead a salty brine. He wrinkled his nose and couldn't even find words to express the horror.

Well, there's life in a nutshell. There's so much more but you just can't put everything into words. Sometimes you don't want to. Sometimes they're beautiful just the way they are in your mind, unlabeled by language and free.

Poll:

Remember the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding"? How the guy is forced to choose between his fiancee, Cameron Diaz, and his best friend, Julia Roberts?



Who would you choose to marry: your best friend or the person with the special spark?

this is absolutely precious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY4Epc2XSGc



thanks, dooce.com!

Artistic Book Autopsies:

http://centripetalnotion.com/2007/09/13/13:26:26/



Thanks, http://www.dooce.com

(And thanks, Cara, for posting dooce.com a while ago. I love it!)

I realized that I only have one scary story of genuine merit and need a few more to boost my repertoire. If you post yours, I'll post mine. Or you could create one a la Mary Shelley. (Frankenstein was written after she and some friends decided to bring their best ghost story to their next lake getaway.)

I have to confess, I have "Into the Ocean" by Blue October stuck on repeat, as I do "Calling You." I mean, one would THINK a girl would get sick of hearing about rain and oceans and motion and I thought of just your face, but after 572 times I'm still as in love as I've always been.

Things, however, that I'm not in love with

-Awkward silences. It's so psychological and just, well, awkward. We are perfectly capable of communicating and enjoying each other as human beings, but such little ideas can make a moment freeze over. Take, for example, last night. It's 1am and my friends and I (after, ahem, a few drinks) shuffle into the local equivalent of IHOP (International House of Pancakes for the uninitiated). As we're walking in, my all-time favorite junior, let's call him Drew, is exiting. Rather giddy already, I'm sure I say much too loudly, "Oh my GOSH! It's Drew!" He flashes that "I know you've been drinking but we'll pretend I don't know you know that I know" smile. We stumble over the usual phrases, and then, in a brilliant wave of charisma, I shout out, "It was great to see you! We should hang out!" Then, clearly brooding for a second, I shout, "You, know, friendly." Drew and I stand there just staring at each other for literally the amount of time it takes not only for the crickets to begin to chirp, but to develop a full out symphony. Then we mumble byes and he's gone.

-Walking around in a slightly dazed state ALL WEEK LONG. Forgetting to call people back. Forgetting to email people back. Forgetting to put your head back on just when you'd found it after the last time you lost it.

-Cleaning. (*shudders, cowering*)


Things I love

-Being more open and expressive the past few days. I think writing regularly helps you tell people what's on your mind.

-Not only having the boyfriend to lunch with Grandma, but seeing him hug her in the beginning, when he's only met her once. Did I mention he's a candidate for sainthood?

-Lake trips with friends you haven't seen for a while.

-My new friend Mandy. She just makes me smiley all over. This may be odd, but the first day in class I saw her, I immediately knew we'd be friends.

-My American Sign Language 1 class. We actually played the game "telephone" the other day. You know, where you tell someone something, and they tell the next person, and the next, and the next. I love reliving the glory days of 2nd grade.

-Babbling. And while I'm babbling, someone randomly latching onto my lip with his fingers and proceeding (oh the audacity!) to wiggle it up and down.

-Drawing. Even if it doesn't turn out perfect. Whoever said anything would be perfect clearly has a brain of mush. NOTHING IN LIFE WILL BE PERFECT. If I had really understood this from the beginning instead of learning it about 6 months ago, it would have saved me a veritable decade of angst, at least. You have to make thousands of mistakes to learn an art. Funny how life's like that, too, how you have to make thousands of mistakes to learn to live. That it all turns out okay.

I find myself watching this daily:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4R6vMPYR1vo

In this moment, I feel so very happy. For starters, I've had loads and loads of this creative energy exploding inside of me. I don't know where it's coming from, but I've been having a heyday writing. I even drew tonight for the first time in months. The thing you must know about drawing and me is that it resonates within the deepest part of me, but it also is one of the most vulnerable parts of me. I feel like it is possibly my ultimate form of expression, and yet, I am the most scared of it. While writing is fairly hidden on the page and you have to dive into it to understand and judge it, drawing and painting is immediately there, vulnerable for the world to see. You can rate it in a second. And that scares me shitless, but it also thrills me. So I want to work more on drawing and painting as well as writing. (Writing is more comfortable, like a dear, old friend.)

And my subject tonight, haha. I drew an older Albert Einstein upside down! (Drawing things upside down is easier than right side up!) I love the faces of the elderly. The shadowy wrinkles, mmm, they tell so much.

Four

Four First Names of Crushes I've Had:
1. Bobby Yawn. For real. This was in kindergarten--I got started early.
2. Jesse (first kiss!)
3. Heath
4. oh, I think it was Zack

Four Pieces of Clothing I wish I still owned:
1. My teal jeweled earrings that killed each other this morning! One of them launched herself onto her sister, over great heights, to body slam her and knock out jewels from both earrings. It was quite dramatic. I almost cried.
2. grandma's brooch (thanks, Cara)
3. This pair of brown Arizona shoes that were Doc Marten look alikes. They were the best. Probably because they cost 30% of Docs price.

I can't think of any more. I like to move on and have variety in my clothes.

Four Names I've Been Called at One Time or Another:
1. Brittly
2. Sugar
3. Brita
4. Breet (that one's Spanish)
(I've always wanted a better nickname, but it's never worked out so well since my name is kind of a nickname.)

Four Professions I Secretly Want to Try:
1. National Geographic photographer or photojournalist
2. Orphanage worker in Latin/South America or the next Mother Teresa
3. Singer/songwriter
4. Surfer, ski bum, or hot scuba instructor
(So hard to choose just 4!)

Four Musicians I'd Most Want to Go on a Date With:
(okay, celebs, since I don't know offhand a lot of Musicians I'd like to date)
1. Tom Welling. Actually, I have no idea what Tom Welling is like in person, but I am positively fixated with Clark Kent in Smallville.
2. Chris Martin of Coldplay. Move over, Gwyneth! And he better sing me "Yellow" and swear it was written solely for me.
3. James McAvoy. Mr. Tumnus the faun in Narnia, you know. Maybe it's the goat thing.
4. Steve Irwin. I know he's deceased and all, but he was so fabulous.

Four Things I'd Rather Throw than Eat:
1. Mushrooms. (This could be quite comical, actually! Picture (with slight caveman accent): "Us hicks no like strangers in here parts. Pelt! Pelt strangers with mushrooms!")
2. Peanut butter. I'm sure you could make some kind of artwork while you're at it, of Japanese ink blot fashion.
3. Water balloons. (hehehe...)
4. Spam. (It kind of catches the breath in my throat even as I type it.)

Four Things I Like to Sniff:
1. My sweetie. Find a boy you really like, and even when he's sweaty and nasty, he'll still smell good to you.
2. Incense
3. Raining
4. My puppy. She has her own particular scent that is lovely and home to me.

Four People I'd Like to Tag:
1. You
2. you
3. you
4. and you

and then some other days i don't feel like being a vegetarian. maybe i'll do a research paper for class on it. i guess you don't have to completely dive in.

although i do kinda wish i was diving into a pool of chocolate right now... ...did i just say that aloud?

Oh, that infamous, nearly unanswerable question--"So, what's new with you?"

Even though I just spent the evening with my parents and my Dad asked me this, I didn't give him the straight answer. Not on purpose, but just because the vast majority of us have that programmed response, "Oh, nothing much. School is busy."

But I think there are some new things in the life of Britt.

I had a fun Labor Day, helping prepare and eat Chicken Curry, potato cakes, and hummus at Shawn's dad's with his family. His sister even said, "Look! You fit in perfectly!" I won't go into the details of what I think about how I fit in with them, but I digress.

Almost humorously, I thought that Labor Day would be the last day in my life to eat meat. I've been playing for quite a while with the idea of becoming vegetarian (vegan, in fact), and this week I've started to take it to the next level. But the problem is all these food committments. And tomorrow I go to some old family friends' house for probably burgers (yuck!). But I have a hard time telling people. Usually because I think they'll judge me. As, oh, LOONY. But it's not loony to me. It makes sense in my head. And while I don't have the energy to type up all the whys of why vegetarianism/veganism appeals so much, I know I do it out of a sense of compassion. I think I'll actually be healthier thinking more carefully about getting balanced meals. Maybe I won't be able to make the change all at once, but I guess a journey of 1,000 miles begins with a step.

Ever the rebel, I'm thinking of taking a short course in naughty terms in American Sign Language. No, it's not really because I'm a rebel (although I positively am dreaming at this very moment of getting my nose pierced). But it's necessary to know those words if you work in education. This way I can shock the kids who try out all the "new words" they learn.

Wow, there are a lot of other things I won't go into detail about: how I have an interview scheduled with Big Brothers, Big Sisters (I hope I'm not biting off more than I can chew), how I cooked fantastic spaghetti with sauteed veggies tonight and felt quite the accomplished cook, how I spent a day this weekend having a blast with just myself (I went to Pet Warehouse to look at all the animals, then grabbed sushi from the grocery store and ate it in Starbucks. Then I read for a while and wrote for a little bit. It was all a blast!), how the little girl in me would love to start taking horsebackriding lessons again, how I've started writing every day...

There's so much to life. Even in the shadows, it's ever beautiful.

i want to be deliciously eccentric. that is all.

and when i'm old, i want to be the woman Evie in the movie "Driving Lessons."

Life, it's so mysteriously funny. Like watching a strange girl in the street laughing, but never knowing exactly what elicits these laughs from her.

Today and yesterday I was in a plain old miserably crabby mood. A lot of it had to do with the questions I've been having. Sometimes I just can't get the questions out of my mind and it stresses me, tainting my life for the worst. I want to develop beyond this. I know I am capable of living beyond this. But, see, this is one thing I can't reconcile is I feel like I've spent so much of my life just trying to change myself. Right now, today, I want to take the deepest breath, let go, and be who I am. Not someone else I think is better than me. I want to believe that I'm fabulous, wonderful, and amazing in so many ways by just being me. And I'm getting there.

But today turned around. I'm pretty sure it happened when Shawn came over. That is really saying something to admit that someone can pull you out of a complete bitchy funk, but he did. He must be magic.

I read in my psychology book (Exploring Psychology) several interesting tidbits. One was that people who regularly attend a religious service live longer, on average, than those who don't. This may be due to several factors, like having a strong community support, a lifestyle that does not involve as much smoking and drinking, and a lesser level of stress due to faith that a higher power is taking care of problems. It also said that people who meditate or practice concentrated prayer live longer. I can personally believe this. Whenever I meditate, I just feel healthier, calmer, and more at peace. All this talk has made me believe that I need to work on dealing more healthily with the stress in my life. Like meditating every day. Exercising regularly. Depending on people when I honestly need them. Appreciating the simple things in life.

i need to take a step back. i need to enjoy the simple things in life once again. i have this longing for simplicity, yet it is almost cruelly out of reach...

any ideas?

i feel so undefinable tonight, like a stray mark colored outside the lines.

if perfect love drives out fear, what happens when love was never perfect from the beginning? what about it that perfect does not exist?

Devirginization of the Hookah

Tonight was the rather infamous night that I gave the old hookah (bought in Granada, Spain) her first firing-up. And girl, was it wonderful! It was far more intense than any previous hookah-ing, the "real deal" if you will. ^^ I definitely felt this one. Maybe it was because I'd had previous practice. ; ) (Cigars + Venice, yikes!) I will definitely have to bring the old girl with me when I come to visit so that all you Texans can experience her wonders. Wish you could've been there. My friend Rob, whom you probably remember for his, ahem, experience with these things, helped us figure out how to get her loaded up and such, complete with the vase full of apple juice instead of water, and the top full of apple tobacco, mmm. It was such a good night, so simple and full of laughter. Especially since beforehand we went to my favorite little posh bar that has the funky-cool atmosphere, with sofas and colored lights. It was quite the fun Thursday evening, definitely just the ticket after a long first week of classes.

I'm back.

In black.

Or rather the adorable black dress I bought today.

Europe was fantastic!! More to come. Let's suffice to say that it was a wonderful summer of discovery and personal growth. i hope to keep that personal growth going over the year. Why is it so hard to grow during school? Maybe it's because school shellshocks you.

It is really lovely being home, too. I rather began to miss it. ;)

Just like I miss you!

And p.s., for the person who thought I wrote the poem in the previous post, I am quite flattered, but Kim Addonizio is actually an internationally (?) acclaimed poet! I wish I could write like her! Maybe some day...

one of my favorite poems

First Poem For You
by Kim Addonizio

I like to touch your tattoos in complete
darkness, when I can’t see them. I’m sure of
where they are, know by heart the neat
lines of lightning pulsing just above
your nipple, can find, as if by instinct, the blue
swirls of water on your shoulder where a serpent
twists, facing a dragon. When I pull you
to me, taking you until we’re spent
and quiet on the sheets, I love to kiss
the pictures in your skin. They’ll last until
you’re seared to ashes; whatever persists
or turns to pain between us, they will still
be there. Such permanence is terrifying.
So I touch them in the dark; but touch them, trying.

just a little note to say i´m alive and loving and singing and wondering and life is good.

p.s. sleep is the miracle drug.

there is one person who can, from a state of pure bliss, reduce me to tears.

it´s not the person i want it to be.




i don´t know what to do with this kind of information.

other than that, life is idyllic.

United Methodist Women

Today at a church I visited they had posted something on that large white screen up front. You know, the one we've all grown to know and love.

"You are invited to a program on Gang Awareness. The United Methodist Women will have refreshments available at 6:30."

I mean, goodness forbid that just any old women should provide refreshments after a Gang Awareness program! We better leave this one to the pros. If you have ANY concerns about the quality of your food, you can rest assured that it has been lovingly and sanitarily prepared by none other than the United Methodist Women.

I will sleep easy tonight. : )


*Cara, please don't take this as a sign of disrespect toward United Methodists--to the contrary, I thought it was adorable!

A Fart Story 2, and Other Miscellany

First of all, my money is on J.K. Rowling revealing that she will be releasing a book of a new series after the final Harry Potter is released. She's had that book written for what, a year? I doubt she's spent the time just sitting there, twiddling her thumbs and being a mom. Not that a girl does much sitting and twiddling of one's thumbs when one is a mom.

Speaking of being a mom, I dreamed I was pregnant the other night. Something has been happening around town with, oh, I don't know, babies being EVERYWHERE. No joke. And you thought rabbits were prolific. I can barely step out the door without practically plowing some sunflower dress-clad blonde thing down. They dash across the street. Women everywhere are wheeling them in enormous strollers. A dad walks outside of his house with one screaming while Shawn and I are walking by, minding our own baby-free business. And yet I stare at that baby, mid-scream, and remark, "Wow, she is absolutely beautiful," and then proceed to turn into a large pinky pile of mush.

In fact, my second in the trilogy of Fart Stories includes a kid. Let's call her Tiffany. I had just spent however long babysitting Tiffany and her younger brother. Tiffany was maybe 3 at the time. Mind you, whenever put within the general vicinity of a child, I am compelled to play a certain game with them. This game is entitled "Whoopsie Daisy." It involves me standing there, bent over and holding the child's legs while she kind of sits. I'm basically a ginormous human swing, if you get the picture. I proceed to follow my swingish duties, counting and swinging at the same time: "A one-ey and a two-ey and a three-ey and a WHOOOOOOPS-IE DAISY!!" With the WHOOOOOOPS-IE DAISY!! I give the child an extra large arching throw up into the air, during which the child generally shrieks with glee.

Well, Tiffany and I had been playing this game right before her parents arrived back at home. They came in with another couple, and they all proceed to collapse into the L-shaped couch, aka Stadium Seating. Tiffany immediately insists that we show Mommy and Daddy the new game. So I take her in my hands and start to play. I count,

"A one-ey and a two-ey and a three-ey and a PFFFFFFFFFT!!!!WHOOOOOOPS-IE DAISY!!" The room is left in complete silence for one agonizing moment as my face begins to burn, yea, blister due to the shade of red it is turning. Then Tiffany's dad says,

"Tiffany, what do you say?" Tiffany looks around the room confusedly for a moment, and then in the sweetest voice I've ever heard, says,

"'Scuse me."

a night for love poems

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings

Late Night Confession

I am in love.

With Hinder.


I love the lead-singer's smoker's voice.

I love the lyrics that, while brutally savage at times, are so real and true to human emotions.

In ways I don't understand, I have this emotional connection with their music, especially their songs "Better Than Me" and "Lips of an Angel."


Salvador, step aside, at least just for a little while while I positively feel to the essence of my being "Better Than Me."

Once in a blue moon, there are some questions that just render themselves unanswerable. I happened to encounter one such question this weekend in Memphis for my cousin's wedding.

Having arrived a day early to enjoy ourselves, my parents, Shawn, and I went downtown to enjoy dinner, sitesee, walk out the impending blood clots in our legs from prolonged car riding, etc.

The happenin' street in downtown Memphis is dubbed "Beale Street." It's kind of your typical area of nightlife with a rock n roll flair. (That's what Memphis is about, after all.) We get to the end of this street and there before our very eyes stands a vast group of people with blood-spattered clothes, grotesquely dark eye makeup, and even a pregnant lady with what looks like the traces entrails hanging off of her belly. My dad walks over to two of these young men and asks what everyone is doing. Instead of gracing us with an, oh, human response, they immediately hunch down, arms trailing toward the ground, and begin moaning. Dad just laughs goodheartedly and we move on to find dinner. We eventually overhear talk that it is a zombie invasion.

While in the restaurant we settle into (also located on Beale Street), we inform the waitress of said interesting happenings. With a look of genuine innocence, she exclaims,

"Oh, do you think they're real?"

I need to get it through my head once and for all to never, ever allow what a guy (or anyone!) does or says or thinks to determine how I feel about myself.

Others can certainly offer valuable advice and input, but they should never determine your sense self-worth.

I think I've been allowing that to happen for quite a while; this whole business of being too worried about what others think.

Today I'm going to try and be myself through and through, even if it means being a little more rough around the edges. At least it will be genuine and compassionate, not watered-down and overly conformative.

P.S. Tomorrow, a haircut! As much as I've enjoyed doing the shag-dog version of a sixth grade boy... ; )

And speaking of sixth grade boys, am I the only one over 20 who can't help laughing hysterically over the sheer mention of the passage of gas? : /

True story:

(*Standing in a crowded, immobile high school hallway after lunch. The air is heavy and humid from the swarms of bodies pressing in from every side. Britt farts. Not the usual innocuously silent fart. The Secret Weapon. It seems the body whips this one out during "that time." This thing could poison a prison full of cockroaches. After an atomic bomb had finished everything else off.)

Leslie: "Oh man, somebody farted."

Britt: "Yeah."

Leslie: (turning a shade of green, the apparent effects of aforementioned poisoning) "Man, it's killing me."

Britt: "Yeah, uh, that's hORrible."

Martha's Interview Questions

1. no holds barred... tell me about your dream life. GO!

Dream life now or later? Wildest fantasy dream life or more practical? I guess all of my dream worlds have a few things in common: I would be with the person of my dreams (which is a whole 'nother post or fifteen, but a quick list of traits would be: deeply compassionate, beliefs complement mine, giving, a continual burden to make a positive impact in the world, funny...), be a deaf educator, working and volunteering to make a positive difference in the world. Ideally we would be doing this someplace warm, if not tropical. And by the beach. And we could learn to surf and scuba dive. We would travel often to places all over the globe, sometimes for humanitarian goals, other times just for enjoyment. We might have kids (I haven't decided about this yet). If we had kids, we might have 4, 2 of whom would be adopted and Deaf. And I guess that is my fantasy dream life, and I don't think it's too impossible to say it might happen. : )


2. if you could author the biography of anyone (alive or dead; famous or not), who would it be and why?

Heehee, my first response was Harry Potter. I wish I could write like J.K. Rowling. Not to mention have her royalties... She is so creative. It is so hard to write an "easy read." I would love to be able to tap into the imagination like that.


3. if you could have been born a child prodigy... what would you want your remarkable gift/talent to be?

Hm, I don't have a clear answer on this. Perhaps just connecting with people. I kinda wish I had been born a person who is lively, vivaceous, talkative, hilariously entertaining, etc. Not that I don't have measures of these qualities. But I think I'd rather have amazing people skills rather than fame and/or fortune.


4. if someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you want to play you? why?

Nicole Kidman and Gwyneth Paltrow run pretty close. I think Nicole Kidman might be able to capture my emotional side a little bit better than Gwyneth, but then again, Gwyneth did do a great job in an emotional role in Proof, so it's a hard choice.


5. what is the greatest gift you've ever been given? what's the greatest gift you've ever given to someone else?

Probably my sense of compassion. Who gives you that gift? God? Your parents? You? Without my sense of compassion and empathy for others, I would like to think I'd feel very adrift. In fact, if I had to choose between having amazing people skills or a quietly intense sense of compassion, I'd choose compassion any day.

The greatest gift I've ever given to someone is time. People spend time on the people and things that are most important to them, and never think that people don't realize it if you don't spend time with them.

Interesting article:

Laughter not necessarily the best medicine, professor says
Hot Topic - Expert Source

Date: May 16, 2007
Contact: Dr. Timothy Bender
(417) 836-4129

SPRINGFIELD — A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender, “I’d like two drinks: one for me, and one for the road.”
Feel better?

In recent years, many people have claimed that laughing – even at groan-inducing jokes like this one – can boost your immune system. However, according to Dr. Timothy Bender, psychology professor at Missouri State University, the health benefits of humor have yet to be proven in a scientifically-sound study.

“Most of the research on the physical healing effects of laughter has not been very good research, and the research that has been good has come up with inconsistent results,” Bender says. “Humor is a form of communication, which requires a sender and a receiver. If the receiver takes the humor wrong, it might not necessarily be solving problems, it might actually be introducing more problems. We need more research on how we socially respond to humor, what the social factors are that influence our response to humorous situations.”

Whether it’s actually helpful or not, having a jovial disposition can’t hurt, says Bender, a self-proclaimed “pun-ophile” and the professor of an upcoming summer course on the psychology of humor. “Laughter has some effect on pain relief, for a short period of time. Now, whether that’s due to the laughter or the humor of the situation or due to something else – distraction or some other factor – is still being debated.”

The study of the psychology of humor is relatively new, says Bender, which could explain why some of the research is not taken seriously (pardon the pun) by the academic community. Psychology of humor is an offshoot of “positive psychology,” an area of study that has only surfaced in the last couple of decades.

“With positive psychology, you look at what people are doing right, instead of looking at the problems people have, the abnormalities and the disorders,” says Bender. “What are people who are getting along really well doing that might be the reason they’re getting along so well? One aspect of that is looking at humor and seeing what type of humor a successful person has, as well as what effects humor might have in the workplace, in teaching and in therapy.”

Bender explains that researchers in positive psychology examine everything from why we laugh when we’re tickled (a sign of submission, studies suggest) to why laughter is contagious (specifically-functioned “mirror neurons” activate when someone else laughs, giving us the urge to do the same).

While laughter may not help us live longer or healthier, studying people who laugh will afford scientists a unique insight into the human psyche.

“I think the best thing that’s going to come out of any of the research in laughter is not so much how we can use laughter to get things done, but how laughter can tell us something about people,” says Bender. “Laughter is a means for finding out about how healthy a person is mentally and what level of well-being they have at the moment. It’s a good measure of personality.”

Source

Okay, I must have the willpower of a ladybug, because I'm posting instead of studying. : /

But there is so much change happening. Since when does life change so fast?! So and so's engaged (I'm pretty sure the count FOR THIS WEEK is 2-3ish), and that person's graduating, and he's moving, and...

Sometimes I just want to stop time. To enjoy just a few more moments of the way things are right now. But now's already going.

Yet some of it is so beautiful. Like when you have good anticipations about going somewhere new. Or meeting someone.

Other times I wish I had a chrystal ball and could see what would happen if I chose options A, B, or C. So many of these very permanent decisions we're all making at such young ages make me get this way. Like decisions about the M-word (ma--iage).

Yet some of those seemingly "permanent" decisions might not be so permanent as one might think, and in most cases it would be very hard to choose an option that would absolutely devastate your life. Or even make it half bad. In fact, things might work out really great, regardless of what option you chose. I guess that's part of growing up--learning to deal with uncertainties and change. In fact, learning to live with them daily. And the best you make of them is all up to you.

Facebook Confession

Earlier this evening I was looking through someone's facebook pictures. They have been a distant (yet strangely close) part of my life for a very long time. I think I grew jealous and started getting even a little depressed as I was looking through those pictures, seeing what a good time this person was having, yet all at the same time I was happy that they looked happy. Then, for some reason, I started looking through my own pictures. As it turned out, it looked like I was having just as much fun, if not more, than the people I was getting jealous about!

Isn't our humanity such a funny thing? How we get jealous over the highlights of others' lives meanwhile failing to be content and even being blind to the joy positively engulfing us?!

Tonight I feel happy. In fact, even though today has been up and down, it has been a healthy up and down. And there are just so many things to be happy and joyous and content about. : )

And I don't know where I'm going tomorrow, but I'd like to go there smiling.

Old

What happens when you get old, according to preschoolers.

This has been on my mind lately:

http://hubel.sfasu.edu/courseinfo/articles/fetal_tests.htm

What do you think about abortion?

I think it would be cool to, in addition to being a parent-infant advisor (someone who informs new parents of deaf children of all the parents' options and teaches parents how to teach their kids), to be someone who counsels potential abortion patients, particularly those carrying deaf fetuses (I would counsel them to keep their baby, of course).

Wow, that sounds so specialized, but it's something that really interests me.

Gosh, I'm really starting to love that boy. :)

Tonight Miranda, Jess, and I went over unexpectedly to some neighbors' house. We had never met them before, but they just came over and invited us, so we thought why not? At first it was slightly awkward after everyone had asked the general questions of name, major, and hometown. But we discovered that they have a ginormous tv. No, not Enormous. GINORMOUS! This tv might not have been nearly as spectacular if it had not had the capability of playing not one, but THREE KARAOKE CDS. Oh yes. So, for the first time in my young life, I sung karaoke in front of complete strangers. The karaoke was quite amusing and now I am quite hooked.

And the offer now stands that if you ever have need of a karaoke companion, I'm your girl.

Anecdote of the week that will make your heart gush.

So my sign language class had a "silent night" at a local, ahem, venue Friday night. A silent night is when everyone doesn't use their voices, but communicate in sign language the whole night.

One of my friends, Marianne, brings her boyfriend, who doesn't know much sign language ( he's not a part of the class). As we all are discussing name signs (people of the Deaf community have a special sign signifying their name so that they don't have to fingerspell it every time), the issue came up that Marianne does not have a name sign. Her boyfriend immediately makes the sign for beautiful but with an "M" and says, "I keep telling Marianne this should be her name sign."

Dance of 1000 Hands

This is quite possibly the coolest thing I have seen. In the world.

Just as a disclaimer for what is said below, I also want to note that I DON'T find it extraordinary that deaf people did this. I think deaf people, just like hearing people, can do absolutely anything they set their mind to do! In fact, in a lot of cases I think the deaf are even more perceptive of the visual arts than hearing people. I AM very impressed that these artists obviously put so much work into an astoundingly intricate performance.

This was sent to me in an email:

Dance of 1000 Hands

Read the paragraph below FIRST before you watch the video website.

There is an awesome dance, called the Thousand-Hand Guanyin, which is making the rounds across the net. Considering the tight coordination required, their accomplishment is nothing short of amazing, even if they were not all deaf. Yes, you read correctly. All 21 of the dancers are completely deaf. Relying only on signals from trainers at the four corners of the stage, these extraordinary dancers deliver a visual spectacle that is at once intricate and stirring.

Its first major international debut was in Athens at the closing ceremonies for the 2004 Paralympics. But it had long been in the repertoire of the Chinese Disabled People's Performing Art Troupe and had traveled to more than 40 countries.

Its lead dancer is 29 year old Tai Lihua, who has a BA from the Hubei Fine Arts Institute. The video was recorded in Beijing during the Spring Festival of 2005.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4478632727623323561