Happy Things:

~puppies

~finding good songs

~dreams

~singing along to Jewel

~homemade vanilla ice cream (I don't care what you say, the best homemade is always vanilla!)

~spending time with Shawn

~traveling

~reading books about exciting interests

~discovering fun new hobbies and interests

~creativity

~watching That 70's Show

Sad Things:

~not having dreams; feeling adrift

~job situation looking bleak, although it is only September

~the economy

~not laughing enough and not knowing what to do about it

~feeling like there are so many obstacles to something you desperately want to pursue

~5 tests in 2 weeks

I'm glad I can think of more happy than sad things.  Why do I let the sad things bog me down so much?  But I think there's truth to the saying that thinking of 5 things to be happy about before you go to bed does wonders.

First of all, I have the best puppy in the world.  Already she barely cries at night anymore, is recognizing her name, and is getting good at coming when called.  Only one accident inside.  She is a total sweetheart, giving kisses to everybody.  She'll just sleep in my lap when I'm on the computer (like right now), but is really playful most of the time.  Even Shawn's heart of steel is starting to crumble, and she's the best person, er, dog in the world for cheering you up or to get your cuteness munchies on.  You know, when you have to just kiss something all over because it's so irresistably cute!  

Second, I'm on this extreme social kick.  When I am not in human presence, I immediately start to feel lonely.  Granted, puppies help to curb the loneliness, but I still get lonely quite often.  Not sure what to do about it.  Start a new hobby?  Except I'm no good at sticking to hobbies.  I have probably 19 hobbies that I've started at some point but then have lost interest in them in a week.  I feel a bit sensitive and thin-skinned right now, too.  Not taking criticism well.  I need to work on not viewing criticism as a personal failure, but rather as room to improve.  

Third, I'm proud at my succeeding efforts to think positively.  It makes life so much better.  Around this time last year, I believe, I started reading the book The Happiness Makeover.  One of its key points is positive thought (among many other jewels of wisdom; HIGHLY recommend it to anyone).  I'm proud at how far I've come.  

Fourth, I feel like my ability to make decisions is paralyzed at the moment.  For some reason I'm stressing over having no real plan upon graduation.  I'm reminded of how much I've wanted to travel in the past.  Except there's no place I just have to move and no job I just have to do.  New York is okay and London would be fun, so would New Zealand or California or wherever.  I feel a bit apathetic.  This bugs the heck out of me to not have a plan.  And then fitting Shawn into it is even harder, and that's a whole other topic I probably shouldn't discuss online.

Fifth, I REALLY don't want to start school.  : (

Sixth, but life is still good.  It has its ups and downs, but there's nothing I can't face, and maybe even enjoy the highlights and the little things that make it all worthwhile. 

On being a butterfly

I just told a friend how it's funny, well, actually kind of sad, but toward the end of summers I always start really feeling like myself again, but then school starts. I covet the day there's no more school! But I also realize it's a little scary to be out of school and move on and change things so much. I think that's why a lot of people don't make a big change after graduating, but I also think a lot of those people end up regretting it. I believe firmly that everyone needs to spread their wings at some point in their life; usually when they're young.  Your wings often grow less flexible the older you get.

School.  Sigh.  Sometimes I enjoy going to classes, if they're something I'm fascinated by.  I love meeting all kinds of different people, and have made most of the best friends of my life in college.  But the stress just eats at me.  I can't be my happiest like this.  Going to school puts me in survival mode, not thriving.  Some people may argue that you simply have to have the right mentality, and you'll thrive anywhere.  Well, maybe this is true, but I feel healthy again when summer has had its effect on me for a few months.  I hope I feel like that when I get a job someday, but I'm a little scared I won't.  It's just so much easier to be happy when there's no school.

I'm so glad it's summer.  I can't wait to feel like me again.  I've only got one more year of this bloody hell.

I want to be less inhibited.  And to realize that I don't need anything or anyone to be madly in love with life and to experience it to its fullest.

It takes not caring so much what other people think.

It takes loving yourself.

It takes having good self-esteem.

It requires one to embrace the good and wondrous and lovely and beautiful and colorful, and to let go quickly of the bad and ugly and difficult (although difficult often yields beauty and joy).  Why do we hold on so tightly to the things that make us sad and unhappy?

The truth is, I love the way I am when I am less inhibited by useless notions of right and wrong ("Is it okay to say that?  What if they don't see it as a joke?  What if they don't like me?").  I feel like I have just chipped away a bit of the surface of it, but have yet to rid myself of the whole.

The truth is, you can never escape yourself.  No matter where you move, what job you have, what friends like you, who your family is, what you accomplish in life...though it may sound cliche, happiness starts from the inside out.  If you're not happy here and now, will you really be happier with peripheral changes?  

I think a great part of happiness comes from deeply experiencing your life; in a way giving yourself permission to enjoy the good parts uninhibited and uncensored.  Of course I'm not encouraging drug use or promiscuity.  Just being free to enjoy the simple little things that make us all glad to be alive and human.  Skipping to class on your way to finals, letting your breath catch in your throat from sight of a sunrise, taking 20 minutes to sit on your front porch in the cool of dawn simply being and listening to birds singing...

"Happiness is not a destination, but a method of life." -Burton Hills

Tonight I happened to start going through my pictures of Europe and then I couldn't stop!  I am overwhelmed by how lucky I feel to have visited so many places and had such lovely experiences, all at a very young age.  There's this one picture I took of an apartment window in Sevilla.  This apartment window is like none other you've ever seen.  This mere apartment window has the power to instantaneously make me happy, no, JOYOUS to be alive!!